TR: Next station stop, St. Paul! (BRAKES OF TRAIN, HISS OF STEAM)

GK: When I came home from Hollywood on the Empire Builder, Natasha was waiting for me at the Union Station in St. Paul-----

SS: Oh, my dollink. My dollink. I luff you, I luff you. You are my dollink. Yes, you, dollink.

GK: Her brown eyes gazed up at me with a luminous intensity under her wild chestnut hair. I threw her over my shoulder and (STRIDING OF BOOTS THROUGH CROWD) made my way through the crowded terminal when suddenly----

TR (HIGH): No! You cannot have her! You filthy beast! You dog! You---- (CRACK OF PUNCH. OOFFF. FALL OF BODY. STRIDE RESUMES)

GK: Having to fight off her old boyfriends is the price of being in love with a beautiful woman. (OMINOUS CLINK OF A STEEL SABER).

TR (SLOWLY, WITH HEAVY SLAVIC ACCENT): You are surprised to see me? You had forgotten Boris? Heh heh. I never forget you. Heh heh heh heh. (CLINK OF SWORDPLAY. TR WOUNDED, FALLS, DIES.) (FOOTSTEPS RESUME)

GK: Natasha knew many men before she met me, but none that she really loved as she loves me.

SS: Dollink ----

GK: Yes?

SS: Shouldn't you say, "none WHOM she really loved"----- instead of "none THAT she really loved"? I don't mean to correct you, dollink. You so smart----

GK: I guess I don't get what you're saying, darling.

FN: Hold it right there. (FOOTSTEPS)

GK: What do you want, Turgeson?

FN: I want her.

GK: You can't have her.

FN: Then I challenge you to a duel. (SLAP)

GK: Fine. Choose your weapon. Sword? Pistol? Bullwhip?

FN: English grammar.

GK: What?

FN: You heard me. Let's hear you declare your love for her using the subjunctive mood.

GK: The subjunctive mood????

FN: You don't know what it is, do you.

GK: Darn.

FN: Let me show you. ----- "I suggest that you avoid men like him, Natasha, for if I were to meet him, I would defeat him in a duel as if he had been punctured with the sword."

GK: I don't get it.

SS: You beeg dommy. I don't luff you, you too stoopid. You not even know subjunctive mood, you dommy.

GK: Natasha---- No----

SS: I want him. He's an Eenglish major.

GK: But----

SS: He's a real man. He knows Eenglish. Too bad for you. Goodbye.

FN: C'mon, baby.

SS: I luff you. You my dollink now.

TR: A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.