GK: brought to you by SunBrite Drive-Through Counseling. If you don't have time to sit in a therapist's office and talk through your problems, SunBrite offers 24-hour drive-up service. Just pull up to the menu board and make your choice.
SS (SPEAKER): Welcome to SunBrite. What's the problem today?
TR: Uh, feelings of abject worthlessness and the fear that my head is about to explode.
SS (SPEAKER): Okay. Do you want psychiatry, holistic, behavioral, or Baptist?
TR: Uh. Let me try psychiatric.
SS (SPEAKER): Okay. Your total is fifty dollars. Pull forward to Window No. 3. And thank you for coming to Drive-Through Counselling.
TR: Okay. (CAR PULL AHEAD SLOWLY, AND STOP. PAUSE. TR SIGH. PAUSE.)
DR (SPEAKER): You the guy with the low self-esteem?
DR (SPEAKER): Okay. ---- Here's six little white pills. Take two today and then one a day for the next four days and see if they don't make you feel giddy and goofy.
TR: What about my head feeling like it's going to explode?
DR (SPEAKER): Here's a steel helmet. (CLUNK)
TR: Excuse me. I'll be right back. (CAR REV, SQUEAL OF TIRES, U TURN, BRAKES)
SS (SPEAKER): Yes, sir? You're back?
TR: Instead of psychiatric, give me Baptist.
SS (SPEAKER): Okay. That'll be ten bucks for handling.
TR: What sort of handling?
SS (SPEAKER): He lays hands on you.
TR: Okay. Thanks. (CAR PULLS AHEAD, STOPS)
FN (PREACHER): Let us pray. Lord, thank you for bringing this poor sinner to SunBrite---- and may you take hold of him, Lord, and shake him ---- shake the worthlessness out of him and the misery and the weird idea that his head is going to explode. That is just dumb, Lord. Shake the dumbness out of him. (TR HEAD SHAKING, EXTENDED) There. Feel better?
TR: Oddly I do.
FN (PREACHER): Praise the Lord. How about a faith offering?
TR: How much?
FN (PREACHER): How much was in your billfold that fell out of your pants when I shook you?
TR: Couple hundred bucks.
FN (PREACHER): Thank you and come back anytime
GK: SunBrite Drive-Through Counselling. Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Get a life. Okay? Now get out of here.
HM & AO:
Sun-Brite Drive-Through Counselling Window
If you've tried Buddhist, Hindu, Shinto,
Maybe you can find the light
Here at Sun-Brite.