GK: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was March, cold and gray, a month when the word "sequester" is in the air, meaning to isolate or hide away. That's what a guy feels like doing. Holing up in a cabin in the woods, maybe with a woman who wants to get to know him much better. Sequesterization is very attractive in the month of March. I was in the Brew Ha Ha coffeeshop reading an article in the paper about depression and at the end there was a quiz and I wound up with nine out of ten. Hey Wanda, give me a double espresso, huh?
HM (BOSTON): Hey, how about some hazelnut in your latte? With sprinkles on top?
GK: How is that going to change things, Wanda?
HM (BOSTON): Why not try something different for once. Like Amaretto. Or pumpkin flavor----
GK: Where I'm from, we don't put pie in our coffee. Gimme a double espresso.
HM (BOSTON): Ehhhhhh. Coming up. (ESPRESSO MACHINE)
GK: Maybe you oughta clean that machine sometime. (CELLPHONE RING) Sorry. Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah, Noir here.
FN (WOMAN): Hi there. Is this the Guy Noir who registered with the Shugah Shugah-dot-com dating service?
GK: No, I think you got the wrong one.
FN (WOMAN): Oh. The dating service gave me this number. My name is Lurleen. But my friends call me "Sweet Pea."
GK: I'm sorry. You're looking for somebody else.
FN (WOMAN): You sound kind of sexy. You like to mess around? Cause I do. I come from Georgia. Maybe you could tell. I sweat a lot and I like to strip down to my undies and roll around in hot mud. That sound good to you? That ring your bell, mister? That press your Up button?
GK: I'm sorry, ma'am. I am an ordained minister and I-----
FN (WOMAN): You wouldn't happen to be on your way to prayer meeting? Because I feel like I am getting a clear sign. I am getting all trembly and perspirey just listening to your voice.
GK: Sorry. (BRIDGE) You register for online dating, there's no telling who you might get. She may've been calling from a beauty parlor having her hair enlarged, soaking her vocal cords in warm gravy. (PHONE RING) (HE DRAWS A DEEP BREATH) (PICK UP) Yeah?
SS (DEEP): A very gracious good afternoon to you----I'm calling for a Guy Noir. I got his number from Sequester-dot-com. I read his profile and he and I are two peas in a pod. We are soulmates. I'm over to the mall right now with my walking group and I'd like to invite him over for a great big old cinnamon roll or something.
GK: Is that right? Well, this is Wendell, I'm a staff person here at the lunatic asylum. I apologize, ma'am. I'll see that he doesn't bother you again.
SS (DEEP): Oh. I see. Well, if he's unavailable, would you happen to be free to go swing dancing tonight?
GK: I'm sorry. I got the night shift tonight and I'm afraid I've come down with bleeding sores on my face and hands. But thanks just the same. (BRIDGE) I don't want to date older women. They look at men with a jaundiced eye. I can jaundice a woman myself, I don't need her to be pre-jaundiced. Oh. Hi.
ELH: This seat taken?
GK: Sorry? What?
ELH: Mind if I sit here? (ROMANTIC GUITAR)
GK: Her perfume was like it was spring and I was 17 all over again. (SAXOPHONE) Her hair was like wheat, her eyes like emeralds. Her skin was what God had in mind when he said let there be skin. Her jeans were so tight I could read the label on her underwear, it said Wash In Lukewarm, and Spin Lightly. And I would've. She gave me a smile so sweet I could've poured it on my pancakes.
ELH: My name's Patsy Lynn. I am up from Sugar Mill, Tennessee, and I am looking for a private eye by the name of Mr. Guy Noir and the description I have of him says, "Older gentleman in used suit with hangdog look about him and tendency to avoid eye contact." You happen to be him?
GK: I'm afraid so, ma'am. What can I do for you?
ELH: I raise dogs. A rare breed of dog known as the Tennessee setter, and I've come in search of a champion stud named Buddy Bodean Buford the Third who I understand is being kept in a cabin in the woods up near Ely. I wonder if you could show me up that way.
GK: It'd be my pleasure, Miss Lynn. Your voice is so musical. You wouldn't happen to be a singer, would you?
ELH: Me? Ha. No, sir. My sister Peggy Sue is a singer. Miserable life. Driving all over, singing in clubs, lights in your eyes, old drunks yelling at you, calling out requests for songs you never recorded.
GK: What sort of singer is she?
ELH: Embittered. Here. This is her latest. Got it on my iPhone. (CLICK, BAND ----- ELH SINGS: Well today I started getting over you. Smoked a cigarette and had a drink or two. You took my car and my guitar and used up my shampoo. And today I started getting over you. What a fool I was to stay with you all week. Didn't like your mind or your physique. You held no thrills, no social skills, no source of revenue. And today I started getting over you. (CLICK, MUSIC STOP) Oh, she's had a hard life, Peggy Sue. Dealing with managers, agents ----- no, I prefer working with dogs. There is no dishonesty in dogs, Mr. Noir. None whatsoever. (DOG PANTING) Is there, baby? No, there is not. (DOG WHINE) This is my best friend. Lady Love Oralee Jane. Finest Tennessee setter female around.
GK: So you're looking to mate Lady Love with Buddy Bodean who is sequestered in a cabin up near Ely.
ELH: That's what I'm looking for you to help me with.
GK: And what about Buddy Bodean's owner?
ELH: What about him? He's 87 years old. My daddy's uncle. He's no problem. Come. My Lamborghini is outside.
ELH: Italian sportscar. Ever hear of it?
GK: If you don't mind my asking, how'd you come to afford a Lamborghini? You're talking a couple hundred thousand.....
ELH: Two hundred fifty six thousand. Mileage: 13 in the city, 20 in the country.
GK: What line of work you in, Miss Lynn?
ELH: You ever hear of the personal assistant robot on the iPhone?
GK: You mean, Siri?
ELH: Down South, men don't like to be bossed around by a northern woman like Siri. So there's a different program down there. Called "Dearie". That's me.
GK: I see. So that's lucrative, huh?
ELH: Men will pay a lot of money to be whispered to.
GK: I guess so.
ELH: Start the car, Mr. Noir. (SPORTSCAR START) Pull onto the highway and head straight north. (ACCEL) Keep your left hand on the wheel and put your right arm around me, Mr. Noir.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
ELH: A little tighter.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
ELH: Whenever possible, lean over here and let me mop that perspiration off your brow.
GK: Yes, ma'am.
(THEME) TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.........Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)