TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was February, and it was bitterly cold in Minnesota. (WIND, RATTLES WINDOWS). My apartment at the Shropshire Arms was freezing, the radiator wasn't working.
SS (DORIS): What did you do to it, Noir? You musta sat on it or something. Radiators don't just break themselves.
GK: This one did.
SS (DORIS): Well, if you think I'm gonna call a plumber, you got another think coming. You break it you fix it.
GK: So I headed down to Danny's Deli to warm up. Gimme a bowl of chicken noodle, okay?
TR (DANNY): No chicken noodle, but we got celery miso.
GK: Celery miso? But there's no nutrients in celery. It's like making a soup out of a scrub brush.
TR (DANNY): People love it. It's very healthy.
GK: Celibacy is very healthy, Danny. So?
TR (DANNY): I'm talking about celery.
GK: What's going on here? The world's been taken over by evil nutritionists?
TR (DANNY): Try it, you might like it.
GK: Fine. Whatever. I don't care. (STING, BRIDGE) I was waiting for the celery miso when I got a call from the Seward Co-op over in Minneapolis. (CELLPHONE RING) Yeah? Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): It's Autumn at the co-op, Mr. Noir.
GK: Actually it's winter, I think. ----Oh, Your name is Autumn.
GK: What can I do for you, Autumn?
SS: We've had an attack on our produce manager, Mr. Noir. This morning. He was assaulted in the produce section while he was misting the spinach.
GK: What happened?
SS: A man walked in and threw milk in Albert's face.
GK: Threw milk in his face?
SS: Non-organic genetically modified cows' milk. Albert is lactose-intolerant. (STING)
SS: He was standing and misting the spinach and somebody said, "Hey Albert-" and he turned around and--splash. Milk right in the face. So vicious.
GK: Is he okay?
SS: We tried to neutralize it with soy milk and we wrapped him in a quilt and we sang comfort songs to him but he's emotionally scarred by the whole thing and he's in intensive therapy right now.
GK: I see.
SS: He is very important in the VVGONGMC, Mr. Noir.
GK: I see. I'm not familiar with that----
SS: The vegetarian slash vegan slash gluten free organic non-genetically modified community. This is just devastating to us. Who would do something like this?
GK: I'm not sure, but I can find out.
SS: We want you to find out, but we don't want any animals to be harmed in the process.
GK: I'll do my best. I'll be persistent but gentle.
SS: Thank you. (BRIDGE)
GK: The spouse is always a prime suspect in that sort of attack. Albert's wife Courtney was a folksinger who taught banjo in her home.
SS (QUIET): Of course I didn't do it. I'm a Unitarian, Mr. Noir. We don't physically attack people, we just pester them to death.
GK: Just looking for information, ma'am-----
SS (QUIET): Keep the fingers nice and curved, Kevin.
(BANJO DOING SCALES, SLOWLY, WITH MISTAKES)
SS (QUIET): Sure Albert had his faults. He cared more about his produce than he did about me. He allowed one gallon of hot water for my shower and three sheets of toilet paper per visit to the bathroom. But I would never throw milk at him. Maybe you ought to talk to Albert's brother, Myron.
GK: I found Myron in a dive bar down on West 7th Street watching the football game.
TR (BOORISH): I didn't do it. But I'm glad somebody did. What a jerkball he is. Holier than thou, crunchy granola ironic public radio hippie. Haven't talked to him in three years.
GK: So this is your bar, sir?
TR (BOORISH): Yeah. Ya want something to eat?
GK: What you got?
TR (BOORISH): We got burgers. The best in town. We pump em full of cheese and wrap them in bacon and then deep fry the whole thing and serve it with a little whipped cream on top. It's called the Moist Monty (FOOTBALL CHEERS).
GK: The Moist Monty.
TR (BOORISH): Yep. Famous all over town. And if you see my dingbat brother, tell him to GET OVER HIMSELF. Okay? (FOOTBALL) oh yeah, run it baby! Carry that pigskin WOOOO! (FOOTBALL CHEERS) (BRIDGE)
GK: The windchill was about 75 degrees below zero (BIG WIND) and I headed back to the Seward Co-op and I was just about to the entrance when I saw a shadowy figure hanging out by the recycling bins. He seemed to be holding a carton of 2% milk. (STING) I saw him and he saw me and he ran into the co-op (WHOOSH OF SLIDING DOORS) and I ran in behind him (SFX). People with shopping carts all over and he shoved them out of the way (SFX) and grabbed canteloupe and threw them at me (SFX) and I fended them off with a big eggplant, swinging it like a bat (SFX), and then he ran down the aisle (DR LAUGHTER), opening up all the bins as he ran, scattering seeds and nuts and granola all over the floor (SCRABBLING ON SEEDS) and then a couple of lesbian produce workers grabbed him (SFX) and pinned him down and I walked over and checked him out (WALKING ON SEEDS). He was wearing a green and gold cap and a sweatshirt that said "Live Dairy or Die"
DR: What you looking at, Fat Man? Never seen a Green Bay Packer cap before?
GK: So it was you, huh? Throwing milk in the face of a lactose-intolerant person. I suppose you're proud of yourself.
DR: Where I come from, man, that is considered a good deed.
GK: You're from Wisconsin, I take it.
DR: Sconsie. All the way, Woooo! Dairy or die!
GK: What you did was an act of assault.
DR: Oh yeah? Well, these people been spreading dirt about my cows.
SS (DEEP): Are not.
DR: Soy milk's got lady hormones in it. And do you know how many hormones they have to squeeze to get like, one tablespoon of milk? 275.
SS (DEEP): Lady hormones? Uh oh. Hear that, Karen?
FN (DIFFERENT DEEP): Yeah.
DR: It's people like you that are spreading lies about dairy and we're not gonna take it anymore.
GK: I just noticed the little tag on the chain around your neck. "In case of emergency, do not use peanut products." You've got an allergy, huh?
DR: So what?
GK: You watch out, maybe somebody gonna give you a facial with Peter Pan crunchy. Let him go.
SS (DEEP): And don't come back unless you have a member number.
FN (DEEP): Get outta here, Milkman.
DR: I'm outta here.
GK: So, that little mystery was solved. Albert came back to work ----- (FN: I want to thank my colleagues in produce for their support and all of you for your thoughts and prayers in the case of those of you who are deists.) The Seward Co-op couldn't afford pay me but they did give me two comp tickets to a documentary film about kale. So. I might go to that, who knows. Now I just have to find someone to go with. I'm sure it's very informative.
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: guy Noir, Private Eye.