SS: The Lives Of The Cowboys......brought to you by Maricopa Brand Mouthwash ---- if you've quit drinking but you don't want the other cowboys to know, Maricopa Mouthwash gives you whiskey breath day after day with no hangovers. Kills spiders and cures snakebite ---- makes you smell like a real cowboy even though you're sober. And now.....the Lives of the Cowboys.
(COWS, HORSES WALKING)
GK: Good to get out of Minnesota and be in Arizona, Dusty. Sunshine. Hope it doesn't give me hallucinations.
TR: Sign says, Golden Gulch up ahead. Reckon we can park the herd in a box canyon and head into town, what do you say?
GK: I was thinking the same thing. And I'd like to find me a radio. Today is Saturday, you know.
TR: So what?
GK: Four o'clock. "Slim Jim and The Vagabond Kid, starring Ernest and Clarence Iverson, sponsored by Whoopee Time Oatmeal."
TR: You still listening to that show?
GK: Last week Slim and the Kid were trapped in that abandoned mineshaft while trying to rescue Miss Julie from the Donner gang. I'd sort of like to find out what happens.
TR: I thought only kids listened to that show.
GK: Well, you were wrong. Let's go. (HORSES, GIDDYUP, GALLOPING, BRIDGE UP UNDER AND FADE. FOOTSTEPS ON BOARDWALK. DOOR OPEN)
TR: Huh. Here's the saloon. (FOOTSTEPS) Hey!!! Barkeep!!!!
GK: Two minutes to four. Show's gonna be on.
SS: Yeah? What can I get you?
TR: I want a glass of hooch and he wants a radio.
SS: A radio! What for???
GK: Want to listen to something. Hey, there's a radio right there on the back counter.
SS: That's my radio. My personal radio. That radio back in the corner, that's the radio for the general public. The public radio.
GK: Oh. Well, let me listen to that then. (FOOTSTEPS)
SS: Hold on. (FOOTSTEPS STOP) Your membership paid up?
SS: Here----- talk to Eunice, our membership director.
FN (LADY): Hi. Now what sort of premium would you like with that? We got the coffee mug, the hemp tote bag .....
GK: I don't care. Whatever. Turn the radio on. Please.
TR (REVERB): Julie!!!! Julie!!!!
FN (MAN): Look out. That heavy beam looks like it's just about to fall. (WOOD GROANING)
GK: And it will fall, all I have to do is push it with my toe----- (WOOD GROANING) and you two will be flat as pancakes! Ha ha ha ha ha.
TR (REVERB): What do you want, Donner?
GK: I want her. (SS WHIMPERING, "Please. No. Let me go.") I want her for my own. Miss Julie Hustvedt.
FN (WHISPER): What're we going to do, Slim?
TR: You keep him occupied and I'm going to sneak around that cavern with the dry creek bed and come up behind him.
FN (WHISPER): Okay. But hurry.
SS: Please, mister. Please. Let me go. Don't----- (PIANO IN MID PHRASE, CHOPIN) ------
GK: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? I WAS LISTENING TO THAT.
TR: I feel like hearing some music. Stead of some stupid kid show.
GK: That is not a kid show. Turn it back on.
TR: Are you a member?
TR: At what level?
GK: What do you mean?
TR: Are you individual, or a sustainer-
TR: I'm a member at the patron level---- hey, Eunice?
FN (LADY): Yes, Arthur----
TR: This guy a member?
FN (LADY): No, he hasn't decided which premium he wants....
GK: How much is a patron membership, ma'am?
FN (LADY): A hundred and twenty dollars.
GK: Oh boy. Okay. What's the level above that?
FN (LADY): There's the concierge level at a hundred and fifty---- You can pay in monthly installments.
GK: Okay, here's fifteen bucks. Turn my show back on. (RADIO DIAL, THROUGH A JAZZ SAX, TR AS RUSH, SS SINGING "LA VIE EN ROSE" AND THEN.......)
TR (SLIM JIM): I got you dead to rights, Donner.
GK: Oh yeah? Where are you?
TR (SLIM JIM): Right behind you. Let go of Miss Julie or else I'll jump on your back and pummel you into submission.
GK: Oh yeah? You boys clear out of this mine right now because------ (MATCH LIGHT, FUSE BURN) You hear that?
TR: Sounded like somebody lit a fuse.
GK: It's a fuse all right. And it leads to a bundle of dynamite that'll bring a thousand tons of rock down on top of the two of you.
SS: Please. Slim---- Kid ----- run------ don't try to------- (PIANO IN MID PHRASE, CHOPIN)
TR: Ha. I just trumped your concierge membership with a platinum membership. So we'll hear my program.
GK: How much is that?
FN (LADY): It's five-hundred a year.
GK: Five hundred!
FN (LADY): That's right. And with it, you get a boxed set of "Wait Wait Don't Tell me".
GK: Dusty? You got that check blank from the Savings & Loan?
TR: I think so.
GK: Hurry. Give it to me.
TR: Here. It's kinda ragged. Been in my pocket for a few months.
GK: It's all right. Here. Give me that pen. (FAST SCRIBBLING) Here. A thousand dollars.
FN (LADY): Oh my. That's wonderful. The Mirage Savings & Loan of Scottsdale?
GK: It's good.
FN (LADY): You got a picture ID?
GK: Just switch the radio back and I'll find it. (RADIO DIAL. FOOTBALL GAME. SS SINGING "LOVE YOUR MAGIC SPELL IS EVERYWHERE". TR RUSH) .......
(BIG UNDERGROUND EXPLOSION, REVERBERATING, SECONDARY EXPLOSIONS. QUIET. NIGHT SOUNDS)
TR: You okay, Miss Julie?
SS: I'm fine, Slim. Where's the Vagabond Kid?
FN: Right here, Julie. Boy, I sure am glad to see you again. I thought you were a goner.
(GUNSHOTS. ORGAN GOES SOUR AND STOPS)
GK: What happened? Somebody shot the radio. What'd you do that for?
TR (DEMENTED KIRK): I never liked that show.
GK: You can't just walk in here and shoot the radio.
TR (DEMENTED KIRK): It's the public radio, it ain't just for you.
SS: You go out in the alley, Curt, and I'll bring you some supper.
TR (DEMENTED KIRK): Okay. Thanks.
GK: Would you be so good as to let me listen to the rest of my program on your personal radio?
SS: My personal radio?
SS: I was just about to tune in "Tucson Abbey," my favorite show.
GK: Please. I'll do anything. Money, favors, anything, I got to hear the last few minutes of this show-----
SS: Well, how about you scrub the men's toilet for me? It ain't been cleaned in about six months. It's pretty disgusting. But if you want to listen to your show------ (BRIDGE)
TR (DUSTY): What you doing down there on the floor, Lefty? You sick?
GK: Just scrubbing. (BRUSH SCRUBBING) And when I get done, believe me, I am going to be more careful of where I aim.
TR: Hey. Ain't your show on the radio today? "Slim Jim and the Vagabond Kid"?
GK: Oh. I guess so.
TR: I thought you were a big fan of that show? (TOILET FLUSH) What happened last week?
GK: On the show?
GK: Well, they ran Donner out of town and Miss Julie went back to work at the library and then Slim Jim and the Kid, they just go riding off down the trail ----- even though everybody could tell that Miss Julie was making eyes at them and trying to get them to canoodle with her, but no, they just rode out of town. There was supposed to be a big romance and whoever wrote the dang show just let it go.
DR: You talking about me?
GK: Where are you?
DR: Sitting in here, third stall from the end.
GK: You're the writer of "Slim Jim and the Vagabond Kid"?
DR: Yep. Thirty years come July.
GK: You are Durward Rollins?
GK: How come you didn't have Jim or the Kid make a play for the woman?
DR: I wrote a draft of that and it just didn't seem plausible. I had Julie and the Vagabond in a clinch, saying sweet nothings, and it just sounded silly.
GK: Well, what's wrong with a little romance? You ever in love with a woman, Mr. Rollins? Don't you remember what it was like?
DR: I was in love with one but she didn't care for me. And then I was in love with two at one time and I don't dare go back to that town ever again.
GK: Well, you ought to reconsider. Where are Slim Jim and the Vagabond Kid headed for on next week's show?
DR: Lubbock, Texas.
GK: Oh. Any prospect of them heading for California in the near future? Say, Santa Barbara or San Francisco?
DR: I doubt it.
GK: So no big love scenes for awhile, huh?
DR: It looks that way.
SS: The Lives of the Cowboys, brought to you by Maricopa Brand Mouthwash, makes you smell like a cowboy even though you're sober. -