TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was June, and St. Paul was in the midst of a heat wave. My window A/C was blowing out air only a couple degrees cooler than outdoors and at that rate it was gonna take til October to make the apartment habitable. My landlady Doris was not much help.

SS (DORIS): It's all psychological. Put an icecube in a washcloth, put it on your forehead, it's all you need.

GK: Doris, I'm not going to go around with an icecube on my face.

SS (DORIS): The electric meter in the basement is spinning like a gerbil wheel. The electric bill is gonna put me out on the street.

GK: Well, get a solar-powered air-conditioner then.

SS (DORIS): I'll give you a wind-powered one ---- it's called Open The Window and Feel The Breeze (BRIDGE)

GK: I was sweltering in my room and I suppose it was delusional thinking but I'd gotten a call from Rico in Chicago the day before.

TR (RICO) Listen. I got a deal going, I need your help. All you got to do is stand there and be the lookout.

GK: Lookout for what?

TR (RICO) The F.B.I. Ya see the law, ya fall down and have a heart attack.

GK: What's this about, Rico?

TR (RICO) It's educational. Nothing unsavory. We're helping out parents who want their kids to get into a good college. The academically-challenged children of financially gifted parents.

GK: And you're selling them answers to the admissions test.

TR (RICO) They're desperate. These kids've been playing video games for years, they can't find the United States on a map ---- they won't even get in to the University of Phoenix unless we help.

GK: I don't want any part of this.

TR (RICO) How about 50 grand, Noir ? Huh? Is that something you'd like to be a part of?

GK: I'll have to think about it.


GK: I thought about it on my way to the airport. My conscience was telling me not to.

FN (REVERB): It's dishonest. And it's unfair to the other kids.

GK: Shut up.

FN (REVERB): You won't be able to live with yourself.

GK: You don't know me very well, do you. (BRIDGE) I found a cheap flight to Chi-town. (BRIDGE) And I boarded the plane.

FN (P.A.): This is your pilot speaking. Just want to thank you for choosing Johnny Rigoletto Airline. We'll be taking off for Chicago shortly. First, this important safety announcement.

TR GODFATHER (P.A.): Hello. This is Johnny Rigoletto. Your personal safety is very important to us and that's why our flight attendants are passing through the cabin collecting a $50 safety fee from each of you. It would be a terrible thing if something bad should happen to your safety. Capisce? (BRIDGE)

GK: I flew down to Chicago and got a room at the Vienna Beef Motel, where every room comes with a complimentary hot dog on the pillow. I was supposed to meet Rico at a bar called Tony's so I walked in (JAZZ TRIO, VERY MINIMALISTIC) ---- and I sat down at the bar and waited.

TR: What can I get you?

GK: Whiskey and soda. Hold the whiskey.

TR: Why not just order a soda?

GK: Nostalgia. ----And just then, she walked in. (FOOTSTEPS) She was tall and lean, and her eyes flashed like a warning light on a bridge abutment. She was so beautiful I had to look away lest I throw myself at her feet and never get up.

SB: Oh hi. Do I know you?

GK: Not yet, no. But it wouldn't take long. You're a dancer, aren't you. Ballet?

SB: How'd you know?

GK: I saw the rice cakes in your tote bag. And the bag says Robert Joffrey.

SB: Oh, right. Yeah, I've been pigging out on rice cakes. Say, I wonder if you could help me?

GK: I was just thinking the same thing.

SB: I need some help with my air conditioner. It's so heavy. And so awkward to carry. You've got wonderful legs. Are you a dancer?

GK: When the opportunity presents itself.

SB: Because you lift with the legs, you know---not the back.

GK: Real men lift with their ankles. See?

SB: Oh my!

GK: You look like you're about to faint and like I'm about to catch you in my arms.

SB: I'm just so hot, Mr. Noir. I've been making do by taking lots of cold showers, and using a big rotating fan, and walking around in my underwear, but I'm still hot hot hot.

GK: Uh huh.

SB: It's not healthy to be this hot. I need relief.

GK: Don't we all.

SB: I live just upstairs.

GK: Well, let's go upstairs and take a look.

SB: The air-conditioner's in the basement. In my storage unit.

GK: Okay. And your apartment is upstairs.

SB: On the seventh floor.

GK: So we'll take the elevator.

SB: It's a walk-up. (STING) I hope that's okay----


GK: Sure. Why not.

SB (SEXY): Are you sure? (CELLPHONE RING)

GK: Excuse me. (PICK UP) Hello?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy? Is that you?

GK: Hi Sugar.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy--I know I shouldn't be calling you, I mean--- we broke up four years three months and fourteen days ago, but ---- you do know what day today is, don't you?

GK: Saturday?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy----- you big kidder. You know what today is. It's our anniversary. The anniversary of the first time you kissed me.

GK: Oh.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): So---- you busy tonight?

GK: I don't think so.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Because I'm not doing anything either. I thought it might be nice for us to do nothing together.

GK: How about I think about it and I call you back?

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): What's to think about? Are you okay?

GK: Let me check my calendar. I'll call you back.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): What's going on? Are you with someone else??

GK: I just gotta go Sugar, okay? I gotta go. (HANGUP, SIGH)

SB: Wife?

GK: No. I'm not married.

SB: Girlfriend?

GK: Ex-girlfriend.

SB: Mmmm. Come on, Mr. Noir. You ready to do some heavy lifting?


GK: So I lugged a 200-pound air conditioner up seven flights of stairs, eight counting the basement. (SFX) with Melissa giving me directions the whole way.

SB: A little more to the right. Okay to the left. Yes, that's it, keep coming, yes!

GK: And then we got to the top and I put the thing down (SFX) and she dropped the bomb.

SB: Wow, you brought that all the way up here. My boyfriend will be so impressed. (STING)

GK: Aha. A boyfriend. So he's a quadraplegic then?

SB: No, why? (SHE GETS IT) Oh. Right. No, he's at work. He works all the time, Mr. Noir. I'm tired of it.

GK: Uh huh.

SB: I wonder if you could do one more thing for me.
Go break up with him for me. Please.

GK: Isn't that something you should do yourself?

SB: I've tried, believe me. He won't listen. Please help me. Please?


GK: So I wrestled that a/c unit into the window (SFX), and then I went looking for Melissa's boyfriend. She said he usually hung out in Tony's so I went back down there. (BRIDGE)

GK: I practiced what I'd tell him. "Richard, my name is Guy Noir. I'm a private eye. I'm here on behalf of Melissa. Your girlfriend. She wants to break up with you. She says you don't listen."

TR (RICO) She says I don't what?

GK: You don't listen.

TR (RICO) I don't what?

GK: Listen. Oh. Rico. It's you-----I didn't see you standing there.

TR (RICO) Yeah. It's me. What's this you're saying about me and Melissa?

GK: You have a girlfriend named Melissa?

TR (RICO) Yeah. Right.

GK: Well, she just wanted me to pass that on. That it's over. With you and her. Okay? (CELLPHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICKUP) Yeah.

SS (SUGAR): Guy, it's me again.

GK: Sugar, I can't talk. How about I call you back?

SS (SUGAR): Why don't I meet you right now?

GK: I can't, Sugar.

SS (SUGAR): Sure you can. I miss you.

GK: Where are you?

SS (SUGAR, OFF PHONE, IN PERSON, CLOSE): I'm right here standing behind you.

GK: What are you doing in Chicago?

SS (SUGAR): Who is that woman, Guy?

GK: What woman? Oh. Her. Hi, Melissa.


SB: Guy, I need you to come upstairs and finish what we started---- okay?

SS (SUGAR): Who is she?

TR (RICO) Who do you think you are, Noir? Stealing my woman----

SB: I was never yours, Rico. Never in my heart.

SS (SUGAR): What is she talking about?

TR (RICO) Here's what I'm talking about. (HE SWINGS, KONK) (BRIDGE)

GK: I came to at the Vienna Beef Motel. The maid brought in a fresh hot dog and I ate it and thought things over. I'd lost two girls and two teeth, that's what Chicago did for me, but at the same time I found that there are a lot of women looking for men to install their air conditioners.

FN (WOMAN, ON PHONE): Come over and cool me off, Big Boy.

GK: I could come over in the morning.

FN (WOMAN): How about tonight? Anytime? Midnight is fine. I'll wait up. (SHE SINGS) The night time is the right time. ---- I want you to put it in the window right over my bed, honey. Right there over my bed. Where I can reach up and touch it.


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.