SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was spring in Minnesota, a beautiful thing, but I had to leave town because I had written a book and an old gangster named Joey Roast Beef was all upset about it.....

TR (JOEY): Hey. Noir. I hear you got a book out and that I am portrayed as a dope. Is that true? (CLICK OF GUN HAMMER)

GK: There's no need for violence, Joey.

TR (JOEY): I ain't going to be violence, just extremely accurate.

GK: Aim the pistol at the floor, Joey.

TR (JOEY): You tell me the truth about this book or else you're gonna be ON the floor.

GK: I donno what you're talking about, Joey. A book? I can barely write a shopping list to go to the grocery.

TR (JOEY): You told the world that I'm not that smart ---- that's what you did ----- and I ain't sitting still for it-----


GK: Sugar ----- what you doing here? And without any clothes on? Buck naked.

TR (JOEY): Huh?


SS (SUGAR): What'd you say, Guy?

TR (JOEY): Hey, what you talking about? She's got clothes on.

SS (SUGAR): Of course I got clothes on. Whom do you take me for? A tramp?

TR (JOEY): Oh boy. I fell for that old naked-woman-behind-you trick. Oh boy. For dumb.

TR (JOEY): Gimme back the gun, Guy. Please. With sugar on top.

SS: Sugar on top?? What kind of a way is that to talk? (SLAP) Shame on you. (BRIDGE)

GK: So I got out of St. Paul until the whole thing blew over and the cheapest flight was to Atlanta so I went there. It was gorgeous, of course. I went to Miss Mary Mac's Tearoom and the sound of Georgia voices brought me to tears.


FN (WOMAN): Come on in, angel cakes, that is so sweet of you to drop by, bless your heart, come on in and set a spell?

SS (SOUTHERN): What can I bring you to drink, darling? Would you like some iced tea or lemonade?

FN (GEORGIA): How about a nice big piece of pah?

GK: You're serving pieces of older men here. Your own pa?

FN (GEORGIA): Not pa, sweetheart. Pah. Strawberry pah, banana cream pah, pecan pah. We got it all. Don't you worry your sweet head over it. (BRIDGE)


GK: So I ordered myself a serving of pecan pie and it came and underneath was taped a note. Someone had written. "I am an advocate for civilization who has been betrayed by sick pathetic radical Islamic traitors seeking to promulgate their secular socialist Kenyan anti-colonialist world view and corrupt our country through their bizarre and permissive ideas who pose the greatest threat to this nation since 1939." The words "secular socialist Kenyan anti-colonialist" told me it had been written by Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House of Representatives who had suspended his campaign for president. (FOOTSTEPS THROUGH CAFE) I went back in the kitchen. ----- Excuse me, anybody see a large man with white helmet hair?

FN (LADY): I believe he went out the back door, darling. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE) (FAST WALK, TRAFFIC)

GK: I went out in the street just in time to see a heedful of white hair being shoved into a pickup truck by a woman with a shotgun. (TR NEWT: Help Help Help) (TRUCK REV AND PULL AWAY) And they headed east. And on the sidewalk I found a note. (STING) WE HAVE NEWT. PAY TEN MILLION DOLLARS RANSOM, OR ELSE SIGNED: L.M.E. (STING, BRIDGE) I called the Georgia State Police and (SIREN OFF) soon I was meeting with Lieutenant Roy Bob Eikenberry.

FN (GEORGIA): Call me Roy Bob.

FN (GEORGIA): Let's go find Newt-- Let's go. (SIREN, FADING) (BRIDGE) We went to State Police headquarters. (RADAR) Lieutenant Eikenberry got a radar fix on Mr. Gingrich's head and located the pickup heading for the Georgia coast.

FN (GEORGIA): Heading for the Sea Islands, I reckon. We'll take the chopper. (STING. CHOPPER)

GK: We flew east and when we got to the coast we saw the pickup truck abandoned on the shore. And offshore sat a submarine. (STING)

FN (GEORGIA): See the flag on the conning tower. It's the Kenyan navy.

GK: From Kenya?

FN (GEORGIA): See? Up in the air? They've been releasing helium balloons with secular socialist literature to float over Georgia for schoolchildren to find. But thank goodness we have shotguns. (THREE SHOTGUN SHOTS) Got em.

GK: So what do we do now, Lt. Eikenberry? (SFX: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL")

FN (GEORGIA): Let me check my computer here. (CLICKS) An email from L.M.E. And two sound files. Listen. (CLICK)

TR (NEWT, ON TAPE): This is Newt Gingrich, in the hands of atheists doing the work of the liberal media elite, and I will fight their invidious plots with every resource at my disposal so that I can fulfil my mission to establish a colony on the moon so that as this nation is taken over by secular socialism the forces of civilization can regroup. Thank you." (CLICK) -----

GK: What's the other one say?

FN: Listen. (CLICK)

SS (ON TAPE): Okay. Let me just say this. The ransom is negotiable. If ten million is too much, lets talk about five. Make us an offer. Let's go, people.


GK: Something wrong, Lieutenant?

FN (GEORGIA): I donno, Mr. Noir. Kidnappers don't usually start reducing their demands so quickly. There's more here than meets the eye. (STING)

GK: We called the Las Vegas casino that had been financing the Gingrich campaign ---- (TR ON PHONE: This is Sheldon's Shangri-La Casino and Tanning Salon. If you are a friend, press one. If you are not, hang up.) ---- and then my phone rang.


FN: This is Cory Flintoff, Noir.

TR: And this is Ira Glass.

FN: And this is Ann Taylor.

SS: This is Terry Gross.

TR: Don't interfere, Noir. Back off. Or else.

GK: So the liberal media elite really are running this.

TR (TAPPET): Back off or me and my brother will stick a potato up your tailpipe. (LAUGHTER)

TR (IRA): We're fundraising, Noir. Don't try to stop us. We know what's best and you don't. Back off.

GK: You'll never get away with it, Glass.

FN (ANN): We've got him and when you pay the ransom, we'll be able to cancel pledge week and get back to broadcasting our anti-colonialist news. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: Lt. Eikenberry and camped along the Georgia coast for the next three days, and finally another email arrived.

FN (GEORGIA): She says they'd be willing to consider two million. One million if you'll take Callista too.

GK: The next morning the kidnappers were down to a half million and Mitt Romney had come out with a statement.

TR (RICH GUY): I acknowledge that I was playful and I pulled some pranks in my prep-school days at Cranbrook, which I don't remember but nonetheless I apologize for them. I am not involved in the kidnapping of Speaker Newt Gingrich but if I am involved, and don't know it, I apologize for that too. (BRIDGE)

GK: We sat on the beach (SURF, GULLS) and we waited for word from the kidnappers and meanwhile (SHOTGUN BLASTS) the lieutenant shot down more balloons.


GK: What's that?

FN (GEORGIA): Something about a rocket.

GK: They have rockets? What is this coming up from the water? (SEALS) Navy seals? Wait---- here comes a woman waving a white hanky. (FOOTSTEPS)

SS (GROSS): Listen---- I'm Terry Gross ----- I just have to tell you: this is urgent. We don't have time to negotiate.

GK: Listen, ma'am, we're doing our best.

SS (GROSS): Yeah, well, I'm the one who's been locked up with him and I need some FRESH AIR.

GK: We're trying to raise the money.

SS (GROSS): Listen, how about we pay you to take him back?

FN: Pay us?

SS (GROSS): How about we give you a hundred grand?

FN: Well, I don't know.

SS (GROSS): Two hundred grand.

TR (OFF, NEWT): Are those reporters? I am going to hold a news conference. I am announcing that I am unsuspending my campaign for President. I will fight on against the Kenyan socialist element in our country. I will not be silenced. I have brought new ideas to the table. I have led the way. We will establish our headquarters on the moon and we will wait until the time is right and we will return ---- we will return----- we will return. (BRIDGE)

GK: And Ira Glass jumped out from behind a palmetto, an AK-47 in his arms.

TR (IRA): Don't make me use this. I may appear to be a mild-mannered public radio host but if necessary I can sweep this beach with a hail of blazing hot lead.

GK: Why you------ (RUNNING) Come back here, Glass. The game's up, Glass. (RUNNING)

TR (IRA): Let's see you catch me, Noir. I may be small but I have fast legs. (STARTS OUTBOARD, SPEEDS AWAY) (OFF) Bueno sera, baby!!!!

GK: Ira Glass headed out to sea (BOAT ON WAVES) and a half-mile off shore, the Kenyan submarine surfaced (KLAXON) and the boat pulled alongside and Glass leaped aboard. The Navy Seal gave chase (SFX) but the sub dove (SFX). Moments later, an enormous rocket launcher rose slowly from the sea (SFX) and Newt sat straddling nose cone, holding onto a rope.

TR (NEWT): It is a better thing I do now than I have ever done, and it is a better place to go than I have ever been.


TR (NEWT): There are diamonds on the moon, Callista, and they're all yours.

GK: And he held onto the rope as the rocket rose up into the sky (TR NEWT: YEEEHAW....WHOOPI) Up into the clouds it rose and off toward the moon. He left earth to continue his battle for truth from a new location.


SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye.