TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was February, and winter was starting to get me down, waking up in the dark, and my landlady Doris was after me.

SS (DORIS): Quit clomping around up there, you sound like a bison in a feedlot.

GK: And my ex-girlfriend Sugar was after me.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy, you and I can't be friends any more. That's what my therapist says. He says we have a toxic relationship.

GK: Sugar, you're the one who keeps calling me.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): And you keep answering. So I've hired a private eye to keep you away from me.

GK: Just don't call me anymore.

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): His name is Ole Karamazov.

GK: Oh please. (CLICK, DIAL TONE) And the next day, he called me.

TR (ON PHONE): Noir? Listen to me. Sugar wants nothing to do with you. You know what "nothing" means or do you need me to come over and show you?

GK: And that same day, Doris called me.

SS (DORIS): There's a Mister Karamazov here to see you.

GK: We have a motto in the Noir family. When the going gets tough, look around and locate your nearest exit. I went down the backstairs (FAST FOOTSTEPS, DOWNSTAIRS) and out the back (DOOR SLAM) and headed for the bus depot (TR P.A.: Now boarding at door number four....) and the next bus was to Duluth and I got on and the door closed (AIR DOOR) and we pulled away (SFX). I sat behind a smoker (BAD COUGHING) and in front of a small child (BABY CRIES) and five hours later, after 15 stops in small towns on the way, we pulled into Duluth (BUS SHIFTING DOWN) overlooking Lake Superior and as we did, the man in the seat next to me who had boarded in Sandstone stuck a gun in my ribs.

TR (SOTTO VOCE): Okay, Mister, when the bus stops, I want you to get off real slow and don't you make a run for it, I'm right behind you, all the way.

GK: Mister, if this is a stickup, you picked the wrong guy. All I got on me is burned-out credit cards and a handful of worthless IOUs.

TR: Don't give me that.

GK: It's the truth.

TR: I know who you are.

GK: I'm an old broken-down private eye from St.Paul, that's who I am. I got less assets than your average college sophomore.

TR: Very funny, Mr. Steel.

GK: Mr. Who?

TR: Mr. Steel. Ulysses S. Steel. Owner of U.S. Steel.

GK: That's United States Steel.

TR: Sez who?

GK: Sez me.

TR: You calling me stupid?

GK: I'm saying you're wrong.

TR: Well, this .45 automatic says I'm right. Get moving. (AIR DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS) (BUS DEPOT AMBIENCE)


TR: Out this way.

GK: Where we going?

TR: To your home, dummy. So lead the way.

GK: I don't live in Duluth.

TR: Look, I know you. You're the ne'er-do-well son of a family that is one of America's 1%.

GK: Right. The bottom 1%.

TR: And even though you're the black sheep of the Steel family, they'll still pay us a million or two when they know we got you.

GK: Look. Here's my driver's license. Guy Noir. See?

TR: That's a fake license. Any teenager knows how to get one.

GK: Where we going?

TR: Going to the hideout. Until you're ready to talk.


GK: The hideout was out on Park Point, beyond the Lift Bridge.

TR: He a friend of yours? Earl Lift? Guy who owns the bridge?

GK: That's the Aerial Lift bridge.

TR: Sez who?

GK: We went to a motel called the Now And Then Motel.

TR: In there. (FOOTSTEPS)

FN: This him?

TR: Yeah.

SS (SEXY): Mr. Steel? I'm Roxanne. I'm with the gang.

GK: She was tall and pale, with red hair down to her waist. She had curves like an advanced test drive course. And a pair of bright green eyes that said go, go, go.

SS (SEXY): We just need to know your family's phone number. It's unlisted.

GK: It's unlisted because it doesn't exist. Look. I'm not from Duluth. I hate hockey.

SS (SEXY): You're just saying that.

GK: I despise hockey. I hate smoked fish. I wouldn't be from Duluth if you paid me.

TR: Rich guy like you, pay means nothing anyway. (BOAT HORN) There's one of your boats, Mr. Steel? How many of those you own? (BIG BOAT HORN).

SS (SEXY): Which mansion you live in? Huh? You got a grand ballroom, with a crystal chandelier?

GK: Only crystals I got is the one in my wristwatch.

SS (SEXY): You got a grand staircase and stained glass windows?

GK: Stained windows, yes. And they are glass but not what you're talking about.

FN: We're running out of patience here.


GK: Oops. That's my cell. Excuse me. (PICK UP)

SS (SUGAR, ON PHONE): Guy? It's me, Sugar. Where are you?

GK: I'm in Duluth, honey.

SS (SUGAR ON PHONE): Duluth???? What you doing up there? Get back here. I want to talk to you.

GK: Listen, Sugar. I'm in a situation here.

SS (SEXY): Is that your girlfriend?

GK: Ex-girlfriend.

SS (SEXY): Gimme that. Hello?

SS (SUGAR): Who's this?

SS (SEXY): It's Roxanne.

SS (SUGAR): Who are you?

SS (SEXY): We've got Mr. Steel and we want a million dollars.

SS (SUGAR): Mister Who? I don't know no Mr. Steel. That's Guy. Old galoot? Thinning hair? Gravy stain on his tie, about two-thirds of the way down on the left? That's Guy Noir. Hands off him, you two-timing floozie. Put him on a bus and send him back. (BRIDGE)

GK: And that's what they did. There was something about Sugar that was more authentic than a driver's license. Nothing says a guy is real like the fact that a woman is mad at him. That's your ticket to reality. (BRIDGE) But I got a look at Duluth and in the bus depot a woman sort of gave me the eye.

SS: You from here?

GK: I could be.

SS: I'm from Chisholm. West of here.

GK: You ever hear of Steel. U.S. Steel?

SS: Sure.

GK: My daddy. Ulysses----

SS: Really?

GK: That's what they tell me.


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.