TR (ANNC): And now, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Dr. Lyle DuCharme, Wildlife Otolaryngologist.


SS: My gosh, Dr. DuCharme. It's so beautiful up here. Look. There's Pike's Peak. Do you mind if I stop and take a picture?

GK: We're not here for photography, Maureen. We're here to treat chronic inner ear infections of mountain goats. And I think we're on the trail of one right now. See how the hoofprints go from one side to the other ----- the goat is staggering. He's suffering balance problems due to an inner ear infection.

SS: It wouldn't hurt to take one picture, would it?

GK: I want to treat as many mountain goats as possible this weekend, Maureen. That inner ear problem can cause vertigo, and they become unsteady leaping around on these peaks with sheer drops of thousands of feet. That's why we're here. Look------ up there------ (GOAT, OFF)

SS: He's beautiful. Do you mind if I take a picture?

GK: Hand me the hypodermic, Maureen.

SS: There you are.

GK: And the gun.

SS: There.

GK: Good. Lock and load. (RIFLE PUMP LEVER, LOCK) Got to be careful anesthetizing him so that he doesn't fall off the rock and drop thousands of feet off that sheer cliff. There. He backed up a little. (GUNSHOT, GOAT OFF)

SS: You got him, Doctor. Or is it a her?

GK: It's a him, Maureen.

SS: Are you sure?

GK: Of course.

SS: You've been wrong in the past.

GK: It's a male mountain goat, Maureen, believe me.

SS: How about we check to make sure?

GK: Why? What difference does it make?

SS: Oh, it makes all the difference in the world, Doctor.

GK: We're treating an inner ear problem, Maureen. (GOAT, FAINT) Look. The glands under the ears are very swollen. Open his mouth. Say Ah. (GOAT AHH)

SS: Goats just seem to understand you, Dr. DuCharme.

GK: Hold his tongue down, Maureen. (GOAT GAG)

GK: Aha! See that redness? That inflammation? We'll need to do a tonsillectomy. That's where the ear infection is coming from. Spray him with novocaine.

SS: Yes, doctor. (SPRITZES, GOAT GAG)

GK: And give me the operating snips. (CLINKS OF INSTRUMENTS)

SS: When you're up here in the mountains for weeks at a time, do you miss your lucrative small animal practice in Denver, Dr. DuCharme? I mean, you had a beautiful home, a condo in Aspen, a wide circle of friends, you went to the theater, the symphony, the opera----

GK: I was living a lie, Maureen. My true passion is treating the ear, nose and throat problems of mountain goats just like this one. (GOAT GAG) Whoops, he shut his mouth. Open up. Open. (GOAT RESISTS) Come on.

SS: There's got to be a better way to do this, Dr. DuCharme.

GK: I'll give him a stronger anesthetic. Syringe please.

SS: Okay. Just a moment, Doctor.

GK: This goat is unable to leap from rock to rock due to his inner ear problem and that means he's unable to breed and that means he's not likely to live long. Goats who don't breed suffer from despair and therefore have a much shorter life expectancy. (GOAT)

SS: I wonder if that's true of human males too----

GK: What'd you say, Maureen? Didn't catch that.

SS: Nothing, Doctor.

GK: Good. Hold his mouth open and I'll anesthetize him. (GOAT). There. Now I'll take out those infected tonsils.

SS: You're so strong and sure, Dr. DuCharme. Here you are, standing on a mountaintop and performing a tonsillectomy a few feet from a three-thousand foot drop. I admire your ability to focus. Why, if I were to look down there--(WIND)-oh my ----I'd get all dizzy. -----Oh oh. Dr. DuCharme-- there's another goat behind you. (CRAZED GOAT APPROACHES)

GK: What in the world?

SS: It's a male goat. (GOAT) The mate of this goat.

GK: This goat is a female?

SS: Yes.

GK: Oh my gosh. (GOAT)

SS: Dr. DuCharme, that male goat is furious seeing you with your hands in his mate's mouth---- look out! (GOAT PAWS THE GROUND) He wants to butt you over the edge of the cliff.

GK: What can we do?

SS: Pretend you're a goat.

GK: Really?

SS: Their eyesight is poor. Pretend you're a male goat and you and I are mating.

GK: Here? Now?

SS: Yes. It's our only chance. (SHE MAKES GOAT SOUND) Okay, now mount me.

GK: Mount you??? I will not.

SS: Okay, but at least put your arm around me. And be passionate. (GK GOAT, SS GOAT) More passionate. (GK GOAT) Oh, that's good. I like that. (GK GOAT) Oh Doctor. It's a whole other you. You're beautiful. So beautiful. (GK GOAT) Oh my. Oh Doctor, I don't ever want to go back to Denver. Look----- the male is backing away. (FN GOAT) He's impressed by your mating behavior. So am I.

GK: What are you doing?

SS: I'm just getting close to you, Doctor. Does that make you nervous?

GK: No. I guess not.

SS: Is it okay?

GK: It is.

SS: Is it more than okay?

GK: I guess so.

SS: Say it like a goat. (GK GOAT, SS GOAT)


TR: Join us again next time, when Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow family of automotive products brings you: Dr. Lyle DuCharme, Wildlife Otolaryngologist.