TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.


GK: Hello.

JL: Hello.

GK: I'm Carson Wyler. I'm Miranda's dad.

JL: Oh. Right. I'm Miranda's teacher, Arthur Bennington.

GK: Great to meet you. Miranda's said a lot about you.

JL: Oh really----

GK: Yes. And I'm sorry, my wife couldn't make it, she's at a fundraiser. She felt bad but---- had to be there.

JL: Oh. Of course. Okay.

GK: Let me just say before we get started that Miranda loves school. She wears her Grover Mills Middle School t-shirt to bed every night. Looks forward to school every morning. She says, "Dad, could we leave early for school?" She adores school.

JL: Miranda does?

GK: Yes, my daughter Miranda.

JL: Well---- okay. She is a wonderful student. Reading comprehension ---- she's way up there. Math skills ---- she's a real leader there. Writing skills are really really excellent. Spelling, grammar, both terrific. She's very cooperative, always ready to help other students work out the problems.

GK: So----- sounds good. Anything else?

JL: Mr. Wyler ----- I am the third teacher Miranda's had. I'm not sure you were aware of that. There were two before me. And it's only October.

GK: Yes. And?

JL: The other two were found in Miranda's desk.

GK: In her desk? Really?

JL: They were three and a half inches tall.

GK: The teachers----

JL: They each testified that Miranda had sprayed them with a sparkling liquid that shrank them to the size of pea pods.

GK: My daughter??

JL: That's what they said.

GK: The shrunken teachers?

JL: Yes---- look (LID OPEN) ---- this is Mr. Schaum. He came in late August.


GK: What did he just say?

JL: He said, "Miranda did this."

GK: My Miranda?? But she loves school.


GK: Did he just say something about lawyers?

JL: He did. Yes.

GK: And there's a woman in there too. Hi there---


JL: Miss Halvorson. She succeeded Mr. Schaum.

GK: Well, at least he won't be lonely in there. Heh heh heh.


JL: She resents the implication.

GK: Sorry. Well, I guess this must make you rather nervous, Mr. Bennington.

JL: It does. Of course it does. I'm close to retirement. My wife and I are planning to move to Vermont and open a summer theater. I'm an amateur actor. I can't imagine many roles for a three-inch-tall man. Tinker Bell and that's about it.


SS (GIRL): Dad?

GK: I'm talking to your teacher, darling. Can you wait out in the hall?

SS (GIRL): I'd rather wait in here. I'm curious what he's saying about me.

JL: I'm saying that you're doing very well in all your subjects and you're a wonderful wonderful little girl to have in the classroom, Miranda.

SS (GIRL): Who are you calling little?

JL: I'm just saying that we like you.

SS (GIRL): I like you too but I miss Mr. Schaum and Miss Halvorson. They were really really good teachers.

GK: You liked them, darling?

SS (GIRL): I liked them a lot.

GK: Well, maybe we can find a way to bring them back.

SS (GIRL): I don't think so, Daddy. I think they're pretty much gone.

JL: Wouldn't you like to have them back, Miranda? I know their families would like them back.

SS (GIRL): Why ask me, Mr. Bennington?

JL: Well-----

GK: What is that you have in your hand, Miranda?

SS (GIRL): This? This bottle of sparkle juice?

GK: Where did you get that?

SS (GIRL): Someone gave it to me at the airport and asked me to carry it aboard a plane, Daddy. But I wasn't getting aboard a plane. I was getting off a plane. With you and Mom.

JL: I think I should call security right now....(CREAK OF CHAIR, THREE STEPS....)

TR (ARABIC); I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mr. Bennington.

GK: Who is he?

SS (GIRL): He's my handler, Daddy.

GK: Your handler?

JL: Listen. I'm only a substitute teacher. I'm up for retirement in a few months. I don't want to be part of any of this.

TR (ARABIC): You are part of it now, Mr. Bennington. Oh, indeed you are.

GK: You're a terrorist, aren't you-----

TR (ARABIC): America is a very big country and now it is about to become a very very small country. Two hundred-fifty million mices running around.

SS (GIRL): He promised me that I'm going to be President of the United States, Daddy. Aren't you proud?

GK: Where did you meet him, Miranda?

SS (GIRL): Online. In a chat room.

GK: Oh no! I knew I should've shut that down.

TR (ARABIC): Too late, infidel!

JL: Please----- let me go----- I will tell nobody----- I just want to walk out that door----- okay? Please. (SLOW FOOTSTEPS) I'm just walking to the door and when I get there I'll turn left and go directly to the parking lot and I will speak to no one----- no one------ (BIG SPLORT & SPLASH. JL CRY OF HORROR. SHRINKING SFX)

GK: He's gone. Mr. Bennington-----


GK: Miranda?

SS (GIRL): Yes, Daddy.

GK: Congratulations on your presidency. I can't wait to see you inaugurated. What are you going to do, as president?

SS (GIRL): I'm going to cut taxes to nothing and I'm going to make the government very very small. Except for me. I'll still be big.

GK: And how about me, Miranda? I'll be big too, right?

SS (GIRL): You'll be big enough, Daddy.

GK: Same as now?

SS (GIRL): I'll think about it. I'll let you know.


TR: ADVENTURES IN PARENTING......brought to you by the Federated Organization of Associations. F.A.O. ----bringing people together.