SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Fluid of Light. Nothing starts fire faster than Fluid of Light. Just pour it on your charcoal and light it. (SFX) Fluid of Light......it makes fire fast (SFX)
(OUTDOOR AMBIENCE, DISTANT CATTLE.)
TR: Hey, Lefty? Lefty? Wake up, pardner.
GK: Oh---- huh---- wha-----what is it? How come it's so cold out?
TR: It's Minnesota, pardner. October's almost here. Time to resume the sufferin.
GK: Oh---- (HE SITS UP, STRETCHES) I dreamed we was in Amarillo, Texas. And I was dancing with a blonde-haired girl name of Amelia Morning Star.
TR: Nope. We're in Minnesota, Lefty. And you were thrashing around in your sleeping bag and hugging your pillow.
GK: She was a beautiful girl and she was in love with me.
TR: We're sleeping in a cornfield just west of Minneapolis and a guy's gonna come and get these cows on a truck in half an hour and we'll collect our money.
GK: She was dancing with me and her eyes shone like diamonds.
TR: And when the cows are sold, we're gonna head south as fast as possible.
GK: She gave off light, Dusty. The woman gave off light.
TR: We got a problem, Lefty.
GK: What's that?
TR: When I turned in last night, I counted 14 head of cattle out there.
TR: This morning there's 57.
GK: I guess our cattle are attractive.
TR: We gotta get rid of the extras. Otherwise we could be arrested for rustling.
GK: Well, we didn't steal any cattle. They came of their own accord.
TR: No jury is going to believe that, Lefty.
GK: Well, it's the truth.
TR: Take a look at us. We got little narrow slits for eyes. Our posture is poor. Our skin is rough and dry. If a law enforcement officer were to come riding along now, you and me'd be in the hoosegow in fifteen minutes.
(HORSES HOOVES, OFF. SS GIDDYUP)
GK: Who's this coming yonder? Looks like some kind of deputy.
TR: I'll hold her off while you get down there and cut those cows out of the herd-----
GK: Too late. Here she is.
SS: Good morning, gentlemen. Good morning! How we doing this morning?
TR: It was raining, ma'am, and visibility was poor and we were too tired to count the livestock, and we went to sleep, and we got no idea where those other cows came from, and that's the honest truth, and we throw ourselves on the mercy of the court. And we are remorseful, even though we've done nothing wrong.
SS: What in the world are you talking about?
TR: You're not a deputy sheriff?
SS: I'm Lieutenant Stephanie Stickley, I'm with the Minnesota Department of Health. Just a few questions and you can be on your way. You're not smokers, are you?
BOTH: No, ma'am.
SS: You're not in possession of literature or audio or visual materials that would tend to denigrate or discriminate against other persons on the basis of race, religion, gender, or body type?
BOTH: No, ma'am.
SS: How about transfats? You in possession of anything made from partially hydrogenated vegetable oil?
TR: Well----- I got a couple doughnuts in my pack.
SS: Doughnuts!!!! You didn't see the signs that said, "Lose your cookies"?
GK: We were on the open range. Not too much signage out there, ma'am.
SS: You're responsible for knowing the law, cowboy. ----
TR: Here they are, ma'am.
SS: Glazed doughtnuts. Don't you know these are bad for you? Transfats increase your cholesterol and can lead to heart disease which is the leading killer of American cowboys.
GK: I thought despair was.
SS: Heart disease. Throw those doughnuts up high in the air, cowboy.
TR: Okay. ----- (HE TOSSES TWO IN THE AIR, AND SHE SHOOTS THEM)-----
GK: Pretty good shooting, Lieutenant. (ELECTRONIC HUM) What's that in your hand, Lieutenant?
SS: This is a transfat detector. (HUM, THEN RAPID BEEPING) Aha. More transfats.
GK: Those are French fries I was saving to feed to the coyotes and try to kill them off with coronary disease.
SS: Okay, I'll let it go this time. Those your cattle, I assume?
TR: They think they are.
GK: None of the cattle smoke. We're strict about that. And they don't eat doughnuts. Just grass.
SS: They don't give off methane?
TR: We've warned them not to over and over and over-----
SS: There's a law against high methane levels. I'm going to go over to my truck and get a methane detector. I'll be right back. (SS GIDDUP, HORSE WHINNY AND GALLOP AWAY)
GK: What do we do now? What if she comes back and confiscates the cattle? We've ridden a thousand miles for nothing.
TR: We gotta go out there nd give em antacid tablets. Settle their stomachs so they don't fart.
GK: Oh boy. We gotta put these big pills down the throats of 57 cows?
TR: Come on, let's get started. (QUICK BRIDGE, TIME PASSAGE)
(COW MOOS, IN PROTEST)
TR: Open your dang mouth, cow. Open up! (COW MOO, GAG, CHOKE)
GK: You know, I used to eat tongue and I don't think I will anymore.
TR: Eat the pill, cow. Eat it. (COW MOO, GAG)
GK: Don't need to stick your arm down its throat.
TR: Don't want it to spit the tablet out.
GK: Do it like this. (COW MOO) Drop the tablet in and stroke its throat.
TR: I'll do it my way, you do it yours.
GK: You're getting the cows all riled up, Dusty.
TR: Just trying to get the job done. (COW MOO) Eat it, boss. (COW MOO, GAG) Swallow! Swallow! (COW SPITS, TR REACT) Dang it. Spit in my eye, willya? Why you------
GK: Don't. Don't hit a cow, Dusty. Sit down. Take a deep breath. Just relax. You get angry at cattle and it doesn't lead to anything good, let me tell you. Just take it easy. Deep breaths. (STRUM GUITAR)
They feed em in the coulee, they water in the pass,
We give em antacids so they won't have gas.
(HOOVES APPROACH, SS WHOAS)
SS: My methane detector is out of batteries, gentlemen, so I guess I'll let you go on. Take care. And remember, transfats are bad for you.
GK: Okay. Thank you, ma'am. Have a nice day. (SS GIDDUPS AND GALLOPS AWAY)
TR: Well, we got out of that pretty nicely. (TRUCK APPROACH, HORN HONK) And here's the man with the cattle truck. Howdy!
(TRUCK STOPS. FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL)
TK: Howdy. These are the cattle?
TK: I count 57, you were supposed to have only 14.
TR: It's a bonus for you. Fifty-seven cows for the price of 14.
TK: These all organic cattle?
TR: Yep. We asked them and they said yes.
TK: Free-range, grass-fed?
TK: And never struck or mistreated in any way?
TK: No abusive language was used in the herding of these cattle?
GK: We only yell at each other.
TK: Okay. Here's your money. Count it if you like.
TR: Thank you, sir. You have a good day now.
TK: Okay. You too.
(FOOTSTEPS AWAY, ON GRAVEL)
GK: Well, time to head south.
TR: That sky looks like snow.
GK: Let's ride, Dusty. (THEY MOUNT UP, GIDDUP, HORSES TROT) Wait a minute. Look yonder.
SS (GIRL): Hello! Hello!!!!
GK: It's a woman. A pale radiant woman!
TR: Don't stop, Lefty. Winter is coming. (GIDDUPS)
SS (ANNC): THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS.....brought to you by Fluid of Light. It heats up real fast. (SFX)