TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was the middle of September, and I was doing security at a golf tournament for business executive. (SWING, HIT, FLIGHT OF BALL)

TR (JOWLY): Great shot, J.T. You really impacted it there.

GK: Being around business executives always makes me wonder how it is that they earn buckets of money and I earn spoonfuls. They just don't strike me as terribly bright.

TR (POMPOUS, JOWLY): I think we're going to have to ramp up our whole campaign here and roll out a total paradigm shift and take it to the next level and make it seamless because at the end of the day it's the score that counts ---- that's what you bring to the table ---- that's what closes the loop.


GK: They were hearty fellows who laughed at each other's jokes (CHORTLING), ----- and they were bad golfers. (SWING, HIT, FLIGHT OF BALL, GLASS BREAKAGE). And that was my job as a security guy, to cover for them. (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) You okay, ma'am?

SS: Your golf ball busted my windshield.

GK: You're okay though?

SS: Well, who's going to pay for this? I want money to replace my windshield!

GK: Ma'am, those men on the golf course are job creators. You hit them with a bill like that, they're likely to move their factories to Thailand. Here's a hundred bucks. Have a nice day. (BRIDGE) The private eye business is going nowhere. All I get are lost pets and people wanting me to spy on their children. Meanwhile, my romantic life is a hollow shell. No women in my life. I miss that. The woman asking, "Do you notice something different about me?" Keeps a man on his toes.


GK: Okay, okay. Don't knock the door down. It's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS IN)

TR: Hey, Noir.

GK: Yeah, Joey.

TR: What happened to my cat? The cat named Mommy.

GK: I don't know, Joey.

TR: She's gone.

GK: I'm sorry to hear that, Joey.

TR: I need you to find her--

GK: Where did you lose him?

TR: Her.

GK: Where did you lose her?

TR: I donno. Go find Mommy, Noir.

GK: Okay, but put the gun down.

TR: What?

GK: You got a gun in your right hand, Joey.

TR: Oh. Right.

GK: You hard of hearing?

TR: My kids took away the car keys so now I got no way to clean the wax out of my ears.

GK: Okay. I'll try to find your cat. (GUNSHOT) Your gun went off, Joey.

TR: My what?

GK: Don't shoot your gun.

TR: Oh. Sorry. (STING, BRIDGE)

GK: The cat Mommy is Joey's best friend. And I had an interest in finding the cat because I'm afraid of me becoming Joey's best friend and I'm not sure I could survive that.


GK: Okay, Joey. Okay. I'm on it. Okay? (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)

TK: (GRUFF JOWLY GUY) Pest control.

GK: Who called you?

TK: I donno. Somebody. Gotta spray for bugs.

GK: Right now?

TK: Only takes a second.

GK: What are you spraying?

TK: It's harmless.

GK: How do I know that?

TK: Take my word for it. I've been breathing this stuff for years, and look at me. I'm healthy as a horse. (HE HAWKS AND SPITS AND WHINNIES)

GK: But all I have is just cockroaches and we're like neighbors.

TK: Here goes. Only takes a second. (A LONG BLAST OF SPRAY) (DISORIENTATION CHORDS)

GK: The air was filled with a bluish-gray mist and the moment I breathed it, I felt my head spin

GK: I was brought back to consciousness by someone at the door. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Joey? Is that you? (SS MUFFLED VOICE) Come on in. The door's open.


GK: She was tall and long-legged and her blonde hair hung down sort of like what Beethoven had in mind when he wrote the Moonlight sonata. She wore a knit sweater and jeans so tight it looked as if she'd been poured into them and forgot to say When. She sure took a man's mind off the recession. ---- Yes, ma'am. What can I do for you?

SS (LOUD, NEW YORK): Mr. Noir, the name's Lewis. Melissa Lewis. I need your help.

GK: Right. Have a seat. What's your problem, Miss Lewis?

SS (LOUD): My problem? I'm 43, I have a good job, my friends say I'm fun to be with, I'm good looking, but I haven't been on a date in the past six months.

GK: You're from New York, aren't you?

SS (LOUD): From Queens. Yes.

GK: Let me ask you a question. When you were in school, did they teach you about indoor voices and outdoor voices, Miss Lewis?

SS (LOUD): In Queens, Mr. Noir, you have to be assertive otherwise people will walk all over you.

GK: Okay, but you're in Minnesota now, Miss Lewis. The land of the meek.

SS: So you think I talk too loud?

GK: Yes.

SS: I like my voice to be heard, otherwise why bother?

GK: Just try making it softer.

SS: (A LITTLE SOFTER): How about now?

GK: A little more.

SS: How is this?

GK: Okay. So how long you in town for?


GK: Really? Why?

SS: I can buy a 3-BR house in Minnesota for what I'd pay for a walk-in closet in Manhattan. For the first time in my life, I can actually sleep at night. I was in therapy for years, Mr. Noir. Turns out all I needed was a good night's sleep.

GK: So it's been good for you? (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah. Guy Noir here.

TR (TONY): Noir, it's Joey Robitussin. I'm sorry I shot my gun at you. I want you to find my kittycat.

GK: I will, Joey. I'm busy right now.

TR (ON PHONE): Just say her name into my phone and I'll record it and walk around playing it ---- just say ---- Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy.

GK: Why don't you say it, Joey? You're his owner.

TR: Her. She's scared of me, that's why. You say it. Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy.

GK: It's no wonder she's scared of you, Joey, going around shooting your gun off the way you do.

TR: Just say it and I record it on my answering machine so I can play it back to her.

GK: Okay. (PAUSE) Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy. (PAUSE)

TR: Say it higher.

GK: Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy. (PAUSE)

TR: Okay, I'm ready now.

GK: You didn't get that?

TR: All set, whenever you are.

GK: Okay. Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy. (PAUSE)

TR: Oh! there's the record button there. I was wondering why the light didn't go on. Try again, Noir.

GK: Joey, I've got work to do --- okay?

TR: I've got it figured out now. Really. Go ahead. I'll count to three and then you do it again, okay?

GK: Okay. One more time.

TR: One. Two. Three.

GK: Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy. (PAUSE)

TR: I think I got it.

GK: Good. You're welcome.

TR: Oh no! The tape wasn't in.

GK: Joey, you're going to have to work this out some other way.

TR: Please. All I ask is one more time. I gotta get my cat back.

GK: Joey, please.

TR: Don't make me have to come over there.

GK: Okay. One last time. Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy.

TR: You've got hostility in your voice, Noir. The cat isn't going to like that.


GK: Oh boy.

SS: I'm not even going to ask what that was all about.

GK: A guy I know wanting me to call his cat. So----- Miss Lewis, you want to get a little romance in your life, huh?

SS: I would like that, yes. I've been on several dates and they all seemed to end in the first fifteen minutes.

GK: Well, you're a tiny bit confrontational.

SS: I'm not confrontational, I just tell people what I think.

GK: Okay, but this is Minnesota. People are into conflict avoidance. So have you been on dates?

SS: Yes, of course.

GK: Do you dance?

SS: I love to dance.

GK: Do you lead?

SS: Somebody has to.

GK: Do you compliment men?

SS: I'm a truth-teller, Mr. Noir. If a man has something in his nose, I point it out to him. I don't want to sit looking at it for the rest of the evening.

GK: How do you point it out to him?

SS: I say, Hey, you got something in your nose. Is it a diamond? No, it's not.

GK: Melissa, I think maybe you need to learn Minnesotan -- it's very indirect communication. For example, if someone had snot in their nose, you would say something like, Did you know that every year your nasal passages produce three and a half gallons of snot? Isn't that something? ( POUNDING ON DOOR. MUFFLED YELLS: Hey! I know you're in there!)

GK: Go away, Joey.


GK: Put the gun down. There's a lady in here. (BLAZE OF GUNFIRE, RICOCHETS. SLAM DOOR. PAUSE. OPEN DOOR. BLAZE OF GUNFIRE. SLAM DOOR) There's a lady in here, Joey. Hold your fire.



TR: Who? Me?

SS: You. Dog breath. Get your fat butt out of here or I'm going to reach down your throat and pull out your lungs and have them for breakfast. On toast. Hear me?


SS: So----- can you help me find a date, Mr. Noir?

GK: I'm right here. Let's go. Dinner first and then a movie. What do you say?

SS: Fine. You're not going to call me Mommy, are you?

GK: I don't think of you in that way. No.


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.