(GUY NOIR THEME)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions---- Guy Noir ----Private Eye.
GK: It was June on the northern tundra, I was sitting waiting for the mail and wishing there'd be a check, even a small one, and there wasn't, just a women's swimwear catalogue (FN GIRLISH LAUGHTER, DIVING BOARD, SPLASH) and an ad for a European cruise (SHIP HORN). I was thinking about the cruise when ----- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) yeah, come on in, it's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)----
FN: Got your pizza here.
GK: Thanks. It looks sort of small.
FN: Sixteen inch is what you ordered. Eggplant, broccoli, tofu, and zucchini.
GK: You sure that's for me?
FN: Positive. Fifteen bucks.
GK: Fifteen. Okay. (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Hold on a second----- Yeah. Noir here.
TR: You Guy Noir?
GK: Yeah. What can I do for you?
TR: I'm calling from Sedona.
GK: Sedona, Arizona.
TR: Right. It's about these two friends of mine who play the euphonium.
TR: Baritone euphonium. Made of chrome. Their names are Mona and Jonah.
TR: Mona wears a kimono and Jonah drives a Toyota Corolla towing a two-ton trailer with their showhorse Palomino Corona.
GK: Okay. And they perform on the euphonia around Sedona.
TR: With the Palomino. They perform pro bono at Shoshone matrimonial ceremonies, but not only in Sedona. All over Arizona.
GK: Okay. And they're professional duo-euphoniumists?
TR: Both Mona and Jonah have diplomas from the Euophonium Schola Cantorum of Patagonia, Arizona.
GK: The Schola Cantorum is not in Sedona?
TR: It's in Patagonia. It was in Sedona but there was a zoning ordinance passed by opponents of atonal euphonia.
GK: And Mona and Jonah play atonal euphonia.
TR: They can play tonal or atonal ---- do you own a euphonium?
GK: No. Anyway, what can I do for you, Mr-----
FN: Excuse me? You got fifteen bucks.
GK: Be with you in a minute. ------How can I help?
TR: You know something? I've forgotten what I called about.
GK: Your euphonium friends Mona and Jonah from Sedona.
TR: I know but what? Why am I on the phone?
GK: I don't know.
TR: This is embarrassing. What a boner.
GK: Call me back if you think of it.
TR: I'll do that. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: Could you go down to the coffeeshop and ask Sharon if she can pay me back the ten bucks she owes me?
FN: Oh boy. (HE LEAVES)
GK: Meanwhile I had turned the page of the women's swimwear catalogue (SEXY SAX) and a very charming young woman was striding out of the water in a tiny swim suit. I've seen more fabric on a Q-tip. She was looking straight at me with her big blue eyes as if.....as if.....
SS (REVERB): Hi. I was looking for you everywhere.
GK: Well, I'm not everywhere, I'm just here.
SS: Let me go get out of this tiny wet swimsuit and into something dry and translucent.
GK: Good idea. (SQUISHING FOOTSTEPS, AWAY) She strode across the deck and now I was standing at the bar on the Lido deck of the SS Bel Canto which was just pulling out of Venice on its way to the Aegean.
FN: Yes, sir, what can I get you?
GK: I want a Martini but I'm trying to stop drinking.
FN: How about I make you a Martini (SHAKER) and then I spit in it----- (SPIT) there. One prevention Martini, coming up.
GK: Thank you.
FN: No problem. (SHIP HORN)
(PHONE RING, PICK UP)
GK: Yeah, Noir here.
SS: Guy, this is Sharon down in the coffeeshop. What this about ten bucks I owe you? I don't owe you ten bucks.
GK: Okay, how about I owe you ten bucks?
SS: You want to borrow ten bucks?
GK: How about we make it fifteen?
SS: Okay, but this is the last time. (CLICK)
GK: You still there, Mr. Jones?
TR: Hi. I'm still thinking. About those euphonium players in Sedona. Mona and Jonah.
GK: You could call them on the phone and ask--
TR: Mona's gone and Jonah's alone.
GK: Okay. Glad to help if you just tell me how.
TR: I'm thinking.
GK: You do that. (BRIDGE) I turned the page of the catalogue and now she was hiking down the trail in the Grand Canyon (HAWKS IN AIR) and she was in a pair of shorts so tight, it was more like a tourniquet. You able to breathe in those tight shorts?
SS: I don't breathe from down there. I breathe from up here. Big breaths.
GK: I should say. I like your T-shirt. The Grand Canyon. Is that a 3-D picture? The South Rim really stands out.
SS: I like your eyes when they get all big like that.
GK: And she was breathing. I looked at her for awhile to make sure. I wasn't but at least there was one of us. ---- A string of pack mules passed us (SFX) and some hikers from France (TR, SS FRENCH) and some from Germany (TR, SS GERMAN) and some from a country whose language I didn't recognize (TR, SS GIBBERISH), perhaps from Mangan speaking Manganese------ I followed her down the narrow twisting trail in case she should slip and fall, I'd be able to pick her up and put her over my shoulder in the fireman's carry and bring her to a first aid station and then perhaps marry her. (SS: You saved my life My hero. How can I possibly pay you back? ORGAN WEDDING MARCH. SS: What a great idea! Let's do it!) She went to change into something for the wedding and there I was (SHIP'S HORN) back on the SS Bel Canto-----
FN: How was that Martini?
GK: Just what the doctor ordered. I didn't touch it.
FN: Good. How about not drinking another one?
GK: Sounds good. But not too much vermouth, okay?
FN: Okay. (POURING) Little vermouth. (BLIP) (SHAKE) (HE SPITS) There you go.
GK: Thanks. (STING) I turned the page of the catalogue and now she was wearing jeans and hiking boots and a red flannel shirt. But it wasn't her. It was another woman.
SS: Hi. I'm Desdemona. Were there are any messages for me?
GK: Give me a minute and I'll think of one.
SS: I'm here to meet a friend.
GK: You just did. Me. Where have you been all my life, gorgeous?
SS: Well, for the first half of your life, I wasn't born yet.
GK: Right. Good point.
SS: Did you get a call from someone named Jonah?
GK: You wouldn't be a euphonium player, would you?
SS: Of course. (EUPHONIUM SCALE)
GK: Didn't notice the instrument.
SS: Here's my Palomino. (HORSE WHINNY, EUPHONIUM PLAYS HUNTING HORN, GALLOPING HOOVES)
FN: No, I'm right here. You got the fifteen bucks?
GK: Sharon's got it down in the coffee shop.
FN: I already asked her.
GK: This time she's got it.
FN: What about a tip?
GK: The number 7 is going to be very lucky for you today.
FN: You call that a tip?
GK: A close friend is going to do something very special for you.
FN: Oh get out of here.
GK: Gladly. I see myself taking a sea voyage very very soon. (SHIP'S HORN) You still on the line, Mr. Jones?
TR: No, I left awhile ago.
GK: Oh, sorry.
TR: Quite all right.
GK: You mean I've been here alone all this time?
TR: Where did you think you were?
GK: Never mind.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, and there on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building is a guy still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions....Guy Noir, Private Eye.