TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was May, and I was in Washington, working for the American Apple Fritter Association, whose large marble headquarters stands on Connecticut Avenue, next door to the headquarters of the American Vacuum Cleaner Association and the Federation of Parking Ramp Employees. A big marble building with fourteen lawyers whose job it is to lobby Congress (FN DEEP GIBBERISH) and an executive director who gives speeches on the crucial role of apple fritters. (TR DRONING, OFF) So, I asked him--what is it you want me to do, sir--
TR: You are going to be our Associate Director of Interconnective Resources.
GK: And what are my duties?
TR: Your main duty is the same as my duty and the duty of half the people in Washington.
GK: And what is that, sir?
TR: To find something to do and to look busy doing it.
GK: So my job is to find a job to do.
TR: Exactly. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went to work at the AAFA, and I went out for coffee one morning--
SS: Coffee, Mr. Noir?
GK: You know my name?
SS: Of course.
GK: But how?
SS: I'm a barista but I'm also a vice-president.
GK: A vice-president of what?
SS: Whatever they need. I was a vice-president of NPR.
GK: National Public Radio? What was your job?
SS: My job was to be fired.
SS: Anytime there's a problem at NPR, they have to fire somebody and so they have fourteen vice-presidents on staff and our job is to be thrown overboard. We're on rotation.
GK: So you're ballast.
SS: It's fun. I'm also a vice-president of the ACLU.
GK: The civil liberties people. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went up to the Senate to lobby for apple fritters and went into the Senate gymnasium (SHOES ON GYM FLOOR) ----- the sanctum sanculorum of Washington ----- U.S. Senators in their gym shorts, shooting baskets ----- (SFX) Chuck Schumer playing pingpong with Scott Brown. (PING PONG)------ Mitch McConnell doing chinups with Al Franken (TR FRANKEN LAUGH) ----- Dick Durbin fencing with Orrin Hatch (SFX) ----- and, in the steam room, sat Saxbe Chambliss, the Senator from Georgia. (STEAM SFX)
RB: Hi there. Come on in. Can't see your face. Who is it?
GK: Olympia Snowe.
RB: Oh. Right. Good to see you. Except I can't see you. How's it going?
GK: Good. How're you, Sax?
RB: Can't complain, Lymp.
GK: Just wanted to ask for your help on the apple fritter bill.
RB: Oh? What's that?
GK: Want to designate it the national pastry. Make October National Apple Fritter month.
RB: Oh. This isn't going to get me in trouble with the Baptists, is it? I mean, apples. Eve ate of the apple and all that.
GK: Senator, you give a man a fritter and he has breakfast. Teach a man to make a fritter and he can open a bakery, and give young people jobs. It's all about job creation.
RB: What about obesity?
GK: What about it?
RB: You're right. Then I'm for it and when I introduce my grits bill to make grits our national side dish, I'll expect you to be with me.
GK: Absolutely. By the way, we've got Miss Apple Fritter USA coming in for a rally on the Mall tomorrow, and we'd love it if you could put in an appearance.
RB: I've got a hearing on military appropriations but I'll be there. (BRIDGE)
GK: I went back to the coffee shop (ESPRESSO) and the vice-president of the ACLU was there--
SS: Congress is about to renew the Patriot Act for another year and we're trying to find a way to defeat it. It's a huge invasion of privacy. It's unconstitutional. Government collecting information on you.
GK: You're fighting yesterday's battle, kid. All of the information the FBI used to gather on people -- it's all on Facebook. People doing updates every hour--
FN (TYPING): Sitting here in the coffeeshop, waiting for Monica, heading for her house afterward-- I hope, I hope--but where is she? She's an hour late.
GK: The government is inundated with personal information about everyone and his cousin. The FBI is paralyzed by floods of data. Don't worry about it. A man has plenty of time in which to enjoy a nice lunch and appreciate a beautiful woman in an apple fritter outfit.
AS: Do I look delicious?
GK: You look irresistible.
AS: Does this fritter make my butt look big?
GK: Isn't that the point?
AS: I guess so. Gosh this thing is hot.
GK: Well, it's a baked product. And I always liked a little sweat on a woman. So you're going to sing a song?
AS: Yes. (SINGS)
Baby you're hungry
I've got the answer can't you see?
You're hypoglycemic and maybe anemic
So fritter away the night with me.
I would like to fritter with you
I am soft and fruity, too--
Apple pies can be so bitter
Won't you let me be your fritter-----
GK: Round and round it goes, Washington. The Tea Party is up in arms about big government holding power over our lives ----- the bigger government gets the more powerless it is. Congress is immobilized by floods of data, paper (COPIER RUNNING FASTER AND FASTER) ----- reports, memos, letters from the AAFA and the AARP and the ACLU ----- more and more marble halls, more lawyers, more reports, and the wheels of government move slower and slower (SFX) ------ that's the beauty of Washington. The more hectic it seems, the slower it goes.Fox attacks NPR (TR RUSH: My friend you would not believe what these public radio Nazis have done now......) and NPR throws a vice-president out the window (SS FALLING CRY) and into the Potomac (SPLASH) and press conferences are held (FN DEEP GIBBERISH) and reports are released (TR HIGH GIBBERISH) and the copy machines run faster and faster (SFX) and through vast intense activity Washington maintains stability, twirling faster and faster, standing absolutely still.
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, private eye.