TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was May, and spring had arrived in Minnesota followed quickly by summer and then fall. The pigeons on the window ledge were mating (SFX) and I was trying not to look. I could hear a couple of mice going at it in the wall (SFX, HARD KNOCKS ON WALL) ----- hey, get a hotel room, wouldja? And then there was a knock at the door. (KNOCKS) Come on in, the door's unlocked. (DOOR OPEN. FIFTEEN SLOW FOOTSTEPS, HIGH HEELS) She was tall and beautiful, with excellent bone structure, and she was carrying a clipboard. She had an air of authority about her and suddenly I wanted someone to tell me what to do.

KE: Mr. Noir?

GK: You got it.

KE: I'm Kathryn ------your landlord Lou asked me to come over. I'm an interior designer.

GK: Lou is redecorating my office??? How sweet of him.

KE: Lou is redoing the office for the next tenant.

GK: The next tenant??? Who is that?

KE: Me.

GK: This is all so sudden. When is this supposed to happen?

KE: He didn't tell you?

GK: Not a word.

KE: Well----- anyway----- I'm going to have to knock out this wall. ---- Open that up. ----- Take up this floor.------ Would you mind if I bring in my assistants to look around?

GK: No----

KE: Jacob! (FOOTSTEPS) Taylor! Andrew! Ava! ----- Excuse me, Mr. Noir. You mind if we move a few things? (FOOTSTEPS, MOVING FURNITURE)

GK: I'll wait outside-----


GK: So I'd been thrown out on the street. It was bound to happen. When a high-end coffee shop moves in and a wine store and a yarn shop, it doesn't take a private eye to see that the building is heading upscale. No need for yours truly. (TRAFFIC) I headed out the door feeling sorry for myself and who should I run into but my ex-girlfriend Sugar-----

SS: Hi Guy.

GK: Sugar!!!! Hey, good to see you. You look great.

SS: Like you to meet Harold, Guy.

TR: Hi.

GK: A pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. (BRIDGE) He was a tall wiry guy with a big beezer and I could tell they were an item because she was obviously picking out his clothes. Plaids. Sugar loves plaids. Yellow plaid pants, green plaid shirt, and a sportcoat that for some reason was a solid color, orange.

SS: Harold is a programmer, Guy. He works for the Federated Organization of Associations. He's their director of operational strategy. In line to become a vice-president.

GK: So where you two living?

SS: Funny you should ask. We're just on our way to look at a new house out in North Oaks.

GK: North Oaks. Well, isn't that something. Moving up in the world. I used to know you when you were in Frogtown.

SS: Don't get sarcastic, Guy.

GK: Nice to meet you, Howard.

TR: Harold.

GK: Right. Harold. The one before the last one was Howard.

SS: Ta-ta, Guy. Take care. MWAH. (BRIDGE)

GK: A beautiful spring day and you get kicked out of your office and then you run into your ex-girlfriend who has found herself someone with a bank account who is looking for direction in his life. I headed into the park along the river (DOGS PASSING) past the walking path where people walk their dogs and where the runners go (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) and out there on the river (BOAT HORN) a tow of empty barges was heading upstream and the crew was standing out on the deck staring in to shore and then I saw what they were staring at ----- young women wearing formal dresses, their shoes kicked off, some of them swinging on the swings, (SFX) some of them draped over the merry-go-round drinking from juice boxes, (SFX) and others sitting on jackets with their bare feet buried in the sand.


GIRL1: And I said no way and he was like way and I was like no way and then he was like, whatever! And then I was like out of there. Totally.

GIRL4: Men our age are idiots. I call him up and he just grunts into the phone. Hi Josh. (GRUNTS) How are you? (GRUNTS) Don't you want to know how I am? (GRUNTS) I'm really good. Want to go out to hear some music. (GRUNTS)

GIRL5: My boyfriend's idea of going out to dinner is a drive-through window. He is so cheap!!!!

(OTHER WOMEN AGREEING:::::: They are so cheap! Don't want to spend anything!!! ETC)

GIRL6: Excuse me?? Who are you?

GK: Just out for a walk. Walking around the park. Getting some fresh air.

GIRL7: Well, don't let us stop you.

GK: You look like you're on the way to the prom, you need a ride?

GIRL8: Oh boy. Here we go again.

GIRL9: We're singing at the Prom.

GK: Aha. A girl group.

GIRL10: We're called the Velveteens.

GK: The Velveteens, huh?

GIRL10: We used to be the Percales.

GK: The Velveteens---- you had that big hit with---- what was it?

You must remember this
I do not need your kiss
No matter how you sigh
And I don't think that we are lovers
You guys, goodbye-----

GK: Right. So----- it's none of my business ----- but ---- does your music reflect some personal experience with men?

GIRL12: Let us tell you about it.


There's a truck rally in Brainerd and he asks you on a date.
He calls you up at six o'clock to ask if you're free at eight.


Men are totally oblivious, somewhere out there in outer space.
They don't notice if you cut your hair or got a new dress, or if you want to punch them in the face.


They don't tell you their parents are coming over to visit, Marlene and Albert.
So you go to the door and there they are and you're wearing your boyfriend's boxers and his flannel shirt.

ALL (SING): Oblivious.

They're in college, getting an education
But they think texting "U R such a QT" counts as a conversation.


I want a boyfriend who thinks, who feels, who talks.
Justin just gets drunk playing Halo on his X-Box.


GK: You know, I'm a private eye. If any of you girls wanted, I bet I could find a nice guy for you. Free of charge. On the house. What do you say?

GIRL1: I say good luck with that.

JS: Girls! (SHE CLAPS HANDS) Bus is leaving in ten minutes. Rest stop is over. Who are you?

GK: Noir's the name. Guy Noir.

JS: Move away from my girls, mister. Don't look at them that way.

GK: What way?

JS: You know what way. That way. Put your eyes back in your head. You so much as lay a hand on one of those bare shoulders and I will be on you like a jaguar, you hear me?

GK: Who are you?

JS: Who said you could ask questions? I'm their manager Mama Maybelle Christiansen.

GK: Christiansen----- that's a Norwegian name.

JS: The Underground Railroad had some unusual station stops. Like Bismarck, North Dakota.

GK: You're from Bismarck?

JS: I was a landmark in Bismarck. People wanted to give directions ---- they'd say, "It's about two blocks north of that beautiful black woman."

GK: So how'd you get to managing the Velveteens?

JS: I was working as a grief counselor for the St. Olaf Choir-----after a concert I'd sit with whoever had made mistakes and we'd hold hands and cry.

GK: Aha. So these are St. Olaf women -----

JS: Sang in the choir. They were kicked out of choir for singing behind the beat. Syncopation. Let's sing one for the man.

Oh wah, oh wah, oh wah, oh wah, oh wah, oh wah
Why do women fall in love?

Why do men act that way
And break our hearts everyday
Why do we fall in love

They wear their pants down low
Playing with their video
Why do we fall in love

I hope they understand
Why I bring them home
Only reason I need a man
Is to program apps on my iPhone.

Tell me why, tell me why
Tell me why, tell me why
Why do women fall in love
Tell me why, tell me why


GK: The Velveteens pulled away on their big bus and I went back to the office and there was the interior designer.

KE: I cancelled the lease, Mr. Noir. I'm not moving into your office.

GK: Oh? You didn't care for the decor?

KE: Could I give you a decorating tip, Mr. Noir?

GK: What's that?

KE: Throw it all out and start over.

GK: Throw it all out? The file cabinet? The desk? The rubber plant? The picture of the Empire Builder crossing the Rockies?

KE: All of it.

GK: All of it.

KE: Good luck.

GK: You too. (BRIDGE) A beautiful spring day nonetheless and I opened up a window (SFX) just as----- (PHONE RING) Probably Doris on the warpath. (RING) Oh well. (PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.


GK: What's wrong, Sugar?

SS: What's wrong, he says. What's wrong-----

GK: What did I do?

SS: "What did I do?" he says. As if he didn't know.

GK: I don't know. Tell me.

SS: You are so cruel. I saw you in the park with those shameless St. Olaf hussies. I saw you. I know what's going on. I wasn't born yesterday.

GK: Sugar----

SS: Don't lie to me, you rounder.

GK: Sugar, the words "shameless hussy" and "St. Olaf" don't really go together, for one thing.

SS: Don't talk to me. I'm done with you. Understand?

GK: Sugar, you broke up with me five years ago.

SS: And it's over, Guy. Today was the last straw. It's over. (BRIDGE)

GK: So that's how I know she loves me. She's with Harold but she loves me. And I bought a CD by the Velveteens and I'm playing it all the time-----

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss
A sigh is still a sigh


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.