TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets.nBut on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions:n Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK:nIt was November, and my landlady was getting impatient for the October rent (THUMPING ON DOOR...SS DORIS: I know you're in there. THUMPING) ---- just as a cold front hit (WIND), and my health insurance company wrote, suggesting I downgrade to a more basic plan, called "life insurance."n It all made me think about Florida and about my old pal Slats Moran at the Oceanview Country Club in St Augustine. He'd invited me to come visit him anytime. And here it was, anytime.

TR (SLATS, ON PHONE): Hey Guy, come on down. Love to see you.n

GK:nI'd like to see you. How's the weather?

TR (SLATS): Perfect.

GK: How's the golf?

TR (SLATS): Never better.

GK: I sort of have a phobia about alligators, you know. We hear stories up here...gators sneaking up behind people and chewing their legs off.

TR (ON PHONE): Awwww. Alligators aren't a big problem. Mostly they are attracted to pacemakers.

GK: I didn't know that.

TR (ON PHONE): They can sense pacemakers a mile away and it drives them wild and they come tearing up and they'll rip a person to pieces.

GK: So you've had alligator attacks?

TR (ON PHONE): Yeah, but most Floridians know that you can repel an alligator by taking out your teeth.

GK: Oh.

TR (ON PHONE): You take out your teeth and put your toupee between your teeth and lie on your back with your legs in the air and alligators won't touch you.

GK: I'm not surprised.

TR (ON PHONE): So come on down. It'd be good to see you again. (BRIDGE)

GK:nSo I went. And it was good. Very summery in November. (GULLS) I was offered a part-time job to dress up as a pirate and walk around and be obnoxious ----- (TR: Aye me hearty, ahoy all wenches, let's keelhaul these scurvy dogs and have us some grog and sell trinkets to the landlubbers, what say?)

GK: You have bad breath, sir.

TR: Ha!!! HAAA!!

GK: I went off and played golf and it was good to pick up a golf club and (GOLF SWING) ---- you know something? The secret of golf is taking a break. I hadn't played in thirty-four years and my game was fantastic. (GOLF SWING, OOOOOHHH OF BYSTANDERS) Golf pros won't tell you that. The secret of improving your game is not to play. (GOLF PUTT...AND ROLLS INTO CUP. LIGHT APPLAUSE.)

SS: Hi. That was a beautiful birdie. Really nice form. You alone? Care to ---- play around? (STING) My name is Jaguar. I live in a house by the beach. With a tennis court. If you'd prefer to volley...

GK: She was beautiful. You could tell she had been adored all her life and she had sort of gotten used to it. She was like the Mona Lisa except ambulatory. She wore yellow plaid shorts and green golf shoes and her clubs were German made. Titanium. She wore a broad-brimmed hat that shaded her face. We headed for the first tee and then Slats came up.

TR: Hi, Guy. Oh----- Mrs. Murdoch. I didn't see you standing there.

SS:nHi Slats.

TR:nMr. Murdoch asked me to come get you and tell you he wants you aboard the jet in twenty minutes.

SS:nOh. Rupert said that?

TR:nHe's just bought the New York Times and he wants you to come with him to New York.

SS: Well, la dida. Maybe he could just come and tell me himself.

TR: He's over on the 17th, just finishing up a round. I'll go call your limousine. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)

GK: You're married to Rupert Murdoch?

SS:nI was going to tell you later.

GK: THE Rupert Murdoch? The owner of the Fox News Network and the Wall Street Journal. I thought he was married to a-----

SS:nHe was. She was his fourth wife. I'm No. 6.

GK: I see. So how did you-----

SS:nI was his personal trainer.

GK: Aha.

SS:nI held his ankles while he did his sit-ups.

GK: Right.

SS:nAnd one day he sat up and asked me to marry him.

GK: Great. I believe I read about the wedding.

SS: Yes. It was a big story for about a day. Twenty-three-year-old gymnast marries 89-year-old media tycoon. Prenuptial agreement settles on $1.5 billion in case of death or divorce.

GK: Eighty-nine? I thought he was 79.

SS: We don't insist on a lot of accuracy in our home.

GK: That must be exciting, to be married to the most powerful man in America.

SS:nPowerful? The man is unable to pull on his own Supphose. The man can't unscrew the lid off the Marmite. Anyway, how about we play some golf?

GK: Shouldn't you go board that jet for New York?

SS:nLook. There he is over there. A man his age should not be wearing shorts, you know that?

GK: She set her ball down on the tee and (SS EFFORT, SWING) she hit a hard low drive that hooked about 90 degrees and (HITS FN, KONK, CRY) beaned her husband sitting in his golf cart which suddenly (GOLF CART ACCEL) took off down the fairway and through a pond (SFX) and through a chain link fence (SFX) and onto the freeway (HORNS, BRAKES) and through the plate glass window of a drugstore (SFX) into the section of lotions (BIG SPLORT).

SS: Oh my goodness. I've just struck my beloved husband in left ear with a 100-mile-per-hour golf ball and sent him careening through heavy traffic and a plate glass window into a drug store! How can an 89-year-old man survive such an experience?

GK: Let me drive you over there. Hop in.

SS: Okay. (GOLF CART) I imagine you wonder why I'm not more upset.

GK: Well, some people just have more self-control. (TRAFFIC PASSING) Hang on, I'm going to cross the freeway here----- (HORNS HONKING, AS GOLF CART ACCEL) Hold on. Going over the curb here. (CART BOUNCES) Great. And here's the drug store. Boy, he went right through that window.nHere are the news photographers, Mrs. Murdoch. FOOTSTEPS, CROWD MURMURS, PRESS SHOUTS)


GK: Let her through. Let the lady through. Make way, please. Coming through. ---- Okay, we're past the paparazzi now.

SS: Good. How do I look? Grief-stricken?

GK: Close enough.nThere he is there. Lying by the emollient bottles.

SS: Oh my goodness.

TR (AUSTRALIAN, OLD MAN, SINGS): Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down

Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down.

GK: Got Mrs. Murdoch here. Make way. Coming through. Doctor---- this is the wife of Mr. Murdoch.

FN: Yes, I'm Dr. Krainis. Ernest Krainis. Came over from the ER.

SS: How is he, Doctor? Will he live?

FN: I'm afraid he's suffered a complete loss of personal identity.n

TR (SINGS): And take me koala back, Jack, take me koala back

He lives in a burlap sack, Mac, so take me koala back

SS: Is there anything that can be done, Doctor?

FN: We can attempt a brain implant but it would be very very dangerous.

SS: I see-----

TR (SINGS): All together now - tie me kangaroo down, sport, (UNDER) tie me kangaroo down

Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie me kangaroo down.

SS: (OVER): Let's do the brain implant.

FN: Sign here, Mrs. Murdoch.


GK: I noticed what looked like a hearing aid in Mr. Murdoch's left ear but it wasn't a hearing aid, it was a tiny radio transmitter. I palmed it when nobody was looking and I went back to the golf course and found the ball she had hit that clobbered Mr. Murdoch and I saw it was not a regulation golf ball. There was a seam around the middle. I turned it (SFX) and it opened up to reveal a tiny gyroscopenthat was tuned to the radio transmitter and that directed the flight of the ball straight into Mr. Murdoch's ear. I headed for the hospital (CAR ACCEL). There was a crowd of reporters by the door. (CROWD) Excuse me-----

FN: Yes, sir-----

GK: This is where Mr. Murdoch was taken----

FN: Yeah. In there right now.

GK:nAnd his wife?

FN: She's there with him.

GK: He was going to have an operation?

FN: I didn't hear about that.

GK: I heard he was going to get a brain implant.

FN: What's that?

GK: They inject your brain with brain matter from another person so you can regain intellectual function.

FN: Oh. I don't know. (FOOTSTEPS)n

GK: I walked down the hall past the ER (SFX: PAGING SPEAKER) and looked for the VIP waiting area and there she was. Hi Jaguar....

SS: Mr. Noir----- good of you to come see me in my hour of grief. I hope we get to play that round sometime. You are sexy, you know that? You big tall hunk of man meat---Where are you from?

GK:nUp north. --

SS:nHey Hey---you show me up north, and I'll give you down south, if you know what I mean, ba boom ba boom ba boom---(SINGS) It had to be had to be you...

GK:nJaguar--how is Mr. Murdoch? Did he get the operation?n

SS:nI guess so.nThey found a donor.

GK: Somebody who died in a car crash? Oh, hello, Doctor.

FN: No, a man who walked in off the street and donated some brain tissue. It's very simple, we simply use a needle to take out two milligrams of brain tissue and implant those in the patient and now he's up walking and talking-----

GK: A brain tissue donor walked in here-----

FN: Yes, a very nice man named Ira Glass.

GK: Really. Glass?

FN: Ira. Ever hear of him?

GK: I think so.

FN: I hadn't. Said he was from Chicago. Oh, here comes Mr. Murdoch now.

TR (APPROACHES, VOICE OF IRA): This is really just sort of unbelievable. Gotta call up Glenn Beck and get him straightened out on this whole Tea Party thing. Cutting taxes on the top 2 percent while you take away people's health care ---- that's just not right. My people are way out of line on all of that.

GK: So you're getting right back in the saddle, huh, Mr. Murdoch?

TR: The fox is a smart animal. So why do we have these dodos and birdbrains? O'Reilly----- Hannity----- Palin----- where'd they come from? I've got to get to New York and straighten these people out. Who are you?

GK: The name's Noir, sir. Guy Noir.

TR: Where you from?

GK: St. Paul.

TR: Saint Paul. Gene McCarthy was from St. Paul. Great man. You ever know him?

GK: Knew him pretty well.

TR: Then I'm going to put you in charge of Fox News. Get out there and tell those people to start telling the truth.

SS: How about you come with me to the Caribbean and I'll teach you scuba diving?nScuba skinny-diving.

GK: That's a difficult choice. Pursuing the truth or pursuing you.

SS: Don't take too long making up your mind.

GK: There was Mr. Murdoch offering me the power to change people's minds and Jaguar offering me the chance to be ecstatically happy in a warm place.

TR: Do the right thing, Mr. Noir. Together, you and I can make this a better world.

SS: Together you and I can enjoy the world there already is. One and a half billion goes a long way toward finding happiness.

TR: I'm planning to donate a billion and a half to public radio news. Travel fellowships to send reporters around the world.

SS: I just want to take a long trip around you. Around and up and down.

GK: I headed for the airport still unsure whether to go to the Caribbean or go to New York and take over Fox News and somehow I wound up on a plane back to St. Paul (PAGING ON P.A.) and arrived in a snowstorm (WIND) and took a cab to my apartment and scraped the ice off the windows (SFX) and turned on the heat (FWUMP). I didn't get really warm until she called. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah, this is Guy Noir.

SS: Hi baby. Sorry we didn't get together.

GK: Where are you?

SS:nI'm here with Ira. In Barbados.n

GK: On Barbados?

SS: You sound surprised. So was I. Wow. What a guy.n


TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets.nBut on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions:n Guy Noir, Private Eye.