SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions......Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK:nIt was October in Minnesota and a Canadian weather system was forming over Saskatchewan and heading our way, and meanwhile I was trying to get Doris my landlady to turn on the heat.
SS (DORIS): No rent, no heat, Guy. You know the rules.
GK: Doris, have a heart. If I don't work, I can't pay the rent and if I am shivering violently when I talk to prospective clients on the phone, I can't get work.
SS (DORIS): I'll give you a blanket. Here.
GK: There's dog hair on it.
SS: (DORIS): Beggars can't be choosers. (STING)
GK: And that was why I took some cases that ordinarily I wouldn't take. I was desperate.
TR: I'm Archie Pelago, Mr. Noir, and I represent the Nudist Psychotherapists of Reno. The NPR is made up of psychotherapists who prefer to practice in the nude.
GK: In Reno.
TR:nFor the most part, yes. Some in Riverside, some in Rochester, some in Reading, Pennsylvania. We of the NPR have a lawsuit against the radio network using the same initials. We'd like you to investigate.
GK: But why can't you and they use the same initials?
TR: It causes confusion.
GK: Confusion between nude psychotherapists and news on the radio?
TR: People don't come to us for psychotherapy because they're afraid we're going to ask them to pledge contributions.
GK: But you charge money, don't you?
TR:nYes, but we don't take hours and hours to do it. You want to take the case or not?
GK: I'm on it. (STING, BRIDGE) I need the dough.
SS: Mr. Noir?
GK: Yes ---
SS:nMy named is Gloria Rome and I've got a problem. I'm dating this guy and a few weeks ago at the pool I noticed that he's got a huge tattoo on his butt and I want to know what it is.
GK: You couldn't ask?
SS:nI don't want to seem judgmental. I'm okay with tattoos. But we're getting to the point where, well, we may be taking each other's clothes off soon.nAnd I just don't want there to be any bad surprises, you know?
GK:nOf course not.
SS:nIt's kind of awkward----- getting undressed and then having to say, you know what, never mind.n
GK:nSo you want me to go and look at your boyfriend's butt.
SS:nIf you could. I'd be ever so grateful. (BRIDGE)
GK: The guy's name was Lyle L'Amour and I found out what health club he went to and when he liked to exercise and I went and worked out on the treadmill (RUNNING ON TREADMILL), and spent time lifting weights (CLANKING, and I did the Stairmaster (SFX) and I sat in the steam room.n(STEAM)nAnd he came in in his towel (TK: Hi) and he dropped the towel just as a big cloud of steam came up (STEAM SURGE) so I couldn't see what was on his body. And then I noticed the towel said NPR. ----- You wouldn't happen to be a psychotherapist, would you?
TK: I am. How did you know? (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So I went to see him at his office and, sure enough, he was a nudist psychotherapist.
TK: You're okay with me naked? It's so we share our vulnerability.
GK: Sure. Interesting tattoo.
TK: Oh, you noticed.
GK: Well, when a guy's butt is covered with bright red flames and it says, "In It To Win It" ---- it's hard to ignore.
TK: I got this in Mexico with some buddies. We'd had quite a lot of tequila.
GK: I can imagine.
TK: Anyway, how can I help you?
GK: What does "In It to Win It" mean?
TK: I played high school football. That was our slogan.
GK:n A guy with a really ugly tattoo on his butt isn't what I'd call a winner.
TK: You think this is ugly?
GK:n It's even uglier than your face. And Gloria is dumping you, effective right now.
TK: You mean Gloria Rome?
GK: The very one.
TK: You know Gloria?
GK: You bet I do.
TK: You're her old boyfriend, aren't you-----
GK: I wish.
TK: Why you----- (FIGHTING, KKKRRACKKKK, POW,
OOF) (BRIDGE COMES UP)
GK: So I reported back to Gloria Rome and she said she'd already dumped Lyle L'Amour and found someone new.
SS:n He's perfect for me except for one thing: he wears his baseball cap backwards.
GK: And he's what---- nine years old?
GK: You know, you might want to start thinking about dating older men. You won't get that tattoo or backward baseball cap problem.
SS: What? Men in their forties?
SS: Men in their fifties??
GK: You're getting warmer.
SS: I should go out with some old crinkly guy with a combover?
GK:n It takes men longer to mature. What can I say? It'd be nice if they were fully developed by forty or fifty, but it ain't necessarily so.
SS:n I'll think about it.
GK: Here's my business card.
SS: What do I owe you?
GK: For the advice? More than mere money can pay.
SS: What do you mean by that?
GK: Let's find out. (STING, BRIDGE) She looked at me with disgust, which so often women do in order to hide their attraction to you. She was struggling with the fact that she wanted to climb into my arms. So I went back to the office to wait for the phone call.
(PHONE RING) Yeah. Noir here.
TR (DUDE): Yeah, Mr. Noir, my name is, like, Jared? Okay? And I was like seeing this girl who I thought was like really really into me? And I thought she was going to like text me and we were going to like hang out together? And she hasn't?
GK: Are you asking me?
TR (DUDE): Huh?
GK: Are you telling me or asking me?
TR (DUDE): Uh, dude, I am like telling you?
GK: Then your voice should drop at the end of the sentence. Like this. Listen, I'm expecting a very important phone call and I'd like to help but you're basically hopeless, okay? (CLICKS) There's my call. Bye, kid. (CLICK) Yes, hello?
SS (DORIS): It's me. Doris.
GK: I'm on my way, Doris. Heading for the bank right now.
SS (DORIS): I was going to suggest you get yourself dolled up and we'll go out dining and dancing.
GK: You and me?
SS (DORIS): Why not? Put on your tuxedo and let's head down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, and find the Prom Ballroom and dance to Jules Herman and have us the tenderloin for two. And I'll forget about your October rent.
GK: You and me???
SS (DORIS): Why not? What's money? I got money. I need love, Guy.
GK: This is such a surprise, Doris.
SS (DORIS): Let's go and make fools of ourselves. A tenderloin medium rare and a baked potato and a slow dance in dim light, it could be magic. ----
GK: I don't know.
SS (DORIS): I'll be there in ten minutes. Either you got the rent in hand or you're in a tuxedo with your shoes shined and thinking naughty thoughts. Your choice.nnn
(THEME)TR:n A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions......Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)