GK: Let's talk about Internet addiction. Do you take your laptop with you when you go on vacation?
SS: Yes, of course.
GK: Then you have a problem. This year, take your vacation at the summer camp for adults known as Camp Liberty. Wireless Camp. In Ohio. (GULLS)
SS: Wireless Camp?
GK: Wireless. There's no wireless.
SS: No wireless.
GK: Or dial-up. No cell service either.
GK: No signal. No emails, no Facebook, no texting, no Twitter. And it's in Ohio so there are normal people all around you.
TR (JOHN WAYNE): You heard the man. Give me those cellphones and hand over your laptops. I want to see you people sit down and open up a book! The kind with pages. And every night you sit down and write a letter home, with a ballpoint pen on a piece of paper. You hear me?
FN: Capital "U." Capital "R." so mean--frowneyface frowneyface.
GK: Camp Liberty: it's unplugged, and the only thing that's roaming are the German Shepherd patrol dogs (SNIFFING) trained to detect electronic devices, even tiny ones hidden in a body cavity. (SS: Hey!) And wireless detecting hawks soar overhead (HAWK SCREECH), their sharp eyes scanning for digital flashes. The staff are all former Internet addicts.
FN (GENTLE): I'm here because I've been where you are now. I used to Google myself eight or ten times a day. My friends were people I'd never met. I'd sneak away from meals to check e-mail. Whenever I went anywhere I'd say to my wife, BRB. It was all so wrong.
GK: At Wireless Camp, your attention span gradually gets longer. and longer. Five minutes, then ten minutes, and finally you're able to do one thing for thirty minutes. Such as yoga (SITAR), horseback riding (HOOVES, WHINNY), badminton (SFX), paintball (BANG, SPLAT), and evening campfire...
ALL (SING, to KUMBAYA): We're offline, my Lord. We're offline. We're offline, my Lord. We feel fine...
GK: And the friends you make you keep for a lifetime.
SS (WEEPY): I can't believe it's the last day. I want to take you all home with me. I'm quitting Facebook and I'm moving to Ohio. Where my friends are.GK: You won't be the same after Wireless Camp. If you think you may need it, you probably do. Set yourself free. At Camp Liberty Wireless Camp. In Ohio. (GULLS)