GK: ----after a word from the Professional Organization of English Majors. If you're graduating from college and looking for a job, you're probably hoping to avoid the fate of so many English majors----
FN (ON INTERCOM): Welcome to Burger World ---- would you like to try our two-pounder with a pound of fries and a gallon of soda pop?
GK: Maybe you're hoping to teach instead....
SS (LETHARGIC MONOTONE): The Scarlet Letter is a book about shame. It's about shame and public humiliation and redemption and lying--Has anybody here read the book? Anybody Googled it online? Scarlet Letter? Anybody? Anybody know what "scarlet" means? What is the letter referred to in the title? Anyone? Is it A? What does A stand for?
TR (TEEN): You mean in the book?
SS: Yes, in the book, Adam.
TR (TEEN): Uhhh. Admiration?
SS: No. But the first two letters are right. A-d-
TR (TEEN): Administration?
SS: No. But thanks for trying.
TR (TEEN): No problem.
SS: I really appreciate you speaking up.
TR (TEEN): Hey.
SS: (WEEPY) It's okay if you don't know. At least you thought about it.
TR (TEEN): Sure. Whatever.
GK: Teaching jobs are hard to come by this year ---- and you can earn better money sitting in a cubicle writing press releases for pharmaceuticals.
TR (LETHARGIC MONOTONE): Zonotan. A new drug that keeps your medulla from invading the cortices of your trigeminal sphingus and reducing the motor range of the interstitial phalanges........
GK: Or you could go overseas and teach English as a second language----
SS: Welcome to Burger World.
TR (ITALIAN ACCENT): Welcome to Burger World.
SS: Would you like to try our two-pounder a pound of fries----
TR (FRENCH): No, I don't think so.
SS: No, you say it. Would you like to try our two-pound burger----
TR (FRENCH): Would you like to try our two-pound burger----
GK: Before you finally decide, remember what your graduation speaker told you at commencement-----
TR (ON P.A. WITH FN ECHOES): And I say to you, the Class of 2010, dare to dream and dream big. March to your own drummer. Go against the flow. Defy the conventional. Be bold.
FN (TEEN): What does that mean?
GK: It means radio.
FN (TEEN): Radio????
GK: Radio. It's liberating. Here's your education. (SHOVEL WET MANURE) The professor shovelled the manure into the spreader and he drove the tractor across the classroom (TRACTOR) and the spreader flung the big wet lumps of education (SFX) out onto you and your classmates until you were covered with it and then you were graduating. (LAST SPLORT OF MANURE) It's a form of broadcasting but this is a better one. Because it's liberating.
SS: Liberating. Wow.
GK: In radio you can be scintillating (DING). Discriminating (HMM). Or titillating (BA BOOM BA BOOM). Luxuriating (AHHHH), Hibernating (ZZZ). Hallucinating (SFX). Be captivating (SFX), dominating (WHIP), intimidating (OH YEAH?), pontificating (AND FURTHERMORE, W ECHO), devastating (BOMBS), inebriating (POURING), self-flagellating (LASHES AND WHIMPERS), defoliating (SFX), decapitating (SFX), irritating (HEH HEH HEH), penetrating (DRILL), invigorating (HEAVY BREATHING), exhilarating (YES YES YES YES). Pulsating (SFX), ululating (TONGUE FLUTTER). Inflating (SFX). Oxidating. (WHOOSH OF FLAME)
TR (BUSH): Don't you be misunderestimating English. It's frustrating but it's also degenerating. Regenerating. Is that what I mean? One of those.
GK: Radio. It's where English goes to enjoy itself. A message from the Professional Organization of English Majors.