SS: THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS. . .brought to you by Wild Bill Skin Moisturizer....it helps hide ugly bruises from fistfights so you're still attractive to the gal you were fighting over...And now, today's story...
GK: Broadway, Dusty. Music Row is up that way. And that's where we're going to find Mr. Montague the record producer who is the uncle of the girl that your nephew met at the Passover seder in Tuscaloosa.
TR: It was a barbershop in Tuscaloosa. It wasn't Passover, it was a combover.
GK: Anyway, he met the record producer's niece.
TR: She was someone who knew someone who knew hairdresser of the niece. Not the niece. A friend of a friend.
GK: Well, that's good enough I've got some songs and soon as I catch sight of him and his bronze Lexus, I am going to spring into action and sing.
Why should we get into trouble
When it's hard to get out of
Let's postpone disappointment
And let's not fall in love.
TR: Not one of your stronger attempts, pardner. Pardon me for saying.
GK: How about? (SINGS)
If I could but drive your car, Caroline,
Then I would be happy I know
It is my ambition to feel your transmission
And play your radio.
I love you so much as I let out the clutch
And I slip you into first gear.
If I could but drive your car, Caroline
Then we'd be engaged, my dear.
TR: You can skip that one, too.
GK: I just have a feeling, Dusty that years from now when they're writing my biography, this is going to be the first scene in the book. The old saddle bum known as Lefty bids a fond farewell to his longtime companion of the trail and boards the bus to fame and fortune...
TR: Bids farewell??
GK: The moment when their two roads diverge
TR: You're gonna just say goodbye after all these years?
GK: Kinda tragic, isn't it. I could write a song about it.
They had been pardners for years on the trail
Endured the flash floods, the rain and the hail,
One found fortune and fame in Nashville
And the other went over the hill.
TR: So you're gonna get rich and go live in a mansion and I'm gonna just drift away into the twilight?
GK: You're always welcome to come stay in the guesthouse.
TR: I could live in the guesthouse. You may need security.
GK: I need someone younger, quick on their feet. Able to prevent those fleet-footed women from snatching me off the stage.
TR: I could be your bartender.
GK: Gonna need a sommelier. Someone who knows about fine wines.
You know, I wonder if it isn't more likely that Mr. Montague might be hanging out in that cocktail lounge, considering how the music business is nowadays. See that purple neon sign that says Cocktails?
TR: You know, the state legislature passed a law that allows you to carry guns into saloons now.
GK: We've been doing that out West for years
TR: But, it's illegal to consume alcohol while carrying a gun.
GK: Well that's going to cut down on gun usage, that's for sure.
TR: I don't know.
GK: Why take a gun into a saloon anyway?
TR: Maybe the band's too loud, and you want them to play guitar. Maybe your best girl is in there with her ex-boyfriend who wants her to take care of his dog while he goes fishing.
GK: Hey, I like that.
An old cowboy named Lefty Bob was missing his best girl
And figured she had gone for beers with her old boyfriend Merle
He picked up his pistol and he heard his mother say:
Take that gun to town, Bob, and go in that saloon, son, and blow that man away.
SS: Excuse me who are you? You see that sign? "No singing in parking lot." Okay?
GK: This your property?
SS: That's right. This belongs to the cocktail lounge and I own the lounge and it isn't a music lounge. It's a place where people come to get away from music. And that's why my place is packed every night of the week. Only sound is the bubbler in the fish tank and the bartender breathing. People like that.
GK: You wouldn't happen to know a record producer named Montague, would you?
SS: I do. But he left town two years ago.
SS: Got out of the music business and went into social networking. Got a job with Haven't We Met Before Dot Com.
GK: I see. (SINGS)
Evening, ma'am, a pleasure I'm sure, and how do you do?
I just walked into a website and who should I meet but you
I knew I would get lucky when I came through the door
And haven't I met you before?
SS: Take it that way, sir. Way over that way. (THEME)
THE LIVES OF THE COWBOYS brought to you by Salome Liniment...cures aches and pains while its clean fresh aroma makes you unreasonably attractive to women.