He's smooth and he's cool, and quick with a gun,
A master in the boudoir.
A guy in a trenchcoat who gets the job done,
That's Guy.....Guy Noir.

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was spring and I was in Seattle and the combination of salt air and friendly people and excellent crabcake made me think maybe there is such a thing as happiness. (GULLS) There just is a spirit in Seattle that makes you think the secret of happiness is precipitation. I walked along the shore and here was a dock where six boats had pulled up and they were playing Beethoven's Ode to Joy (BOAT HORNS PLAY 8 BARS OF ODE TO JOY) I was in Seattle investigating a report that the city sits on a shelf of granite whose magnetic properties make people more intelligent. There was some evidence for this. But then there were people who made you doubt it--

FN: So you're a private eye, huh?

GK: That's right.
FN: Follow people around and find out bad stuff about them, right?

GK: Sometimes.

FN: I'd like you to find out stuff about my wife. She's always pointing the finger at me -- I'd like to find out stuff about her.

GK: I don't think so.

FN: Nose-picking. She can't stand it. I'm lying there in the dark -- it's pitch-black -- and -- you know how it is, you've got this little hard one and it's right there, like low-hanging fruit -- and you very very quietly reach in and snag it with your fingernail and she yells, Use a handkerchief!

GK: Right.

FN: I'll bet there are moments in her day when she looks around and nobody's watching and she reaches up and grabs one-- I'd like a picture of that. Think you could do that?

GK: Me?

FN: You. Get a picture of my wife with her finger up her nose. I'd pay you money for that. Really. (BRIDGE)

GK: I did take on a case from a woman I met on the ferryboat back from Bainbridge. (SS OFF, MURMURS, LAUGHTER) She was sitting in the bar drinking herbal tea and we started talking (FERRY HORN, OFF) and as the boat pulled up to the pier, she asked me to take on an assignment.

SS: It's like this, Mr. Noir. About six months ago I fell in love with a man from New York City. And now we're planning to get married.

GK: Well, congratulations.

SS: It was a sudden romance. We were in the train at the Seattle-Tacoma airport, he was heading for concourse B, I was going to Baggage Claim, and we talked and he skipped concourse B and his luggage flew away to New York and he stayed here.

GK: Now that's what I call a love story.

SS: No reason to take things slow when you find your true love, I say. Go for it.

GK: So what's the problem?

SS: I'm trying to teach him how to fit in in Seattle.

GK: Aha.

SS: When I met him, he was a man who'd walk out of the dry cleaner's and take the plastic off his suit and just throw that away in a trash bin.

GK: I see.

SS: I taught him to recycle.

GK: Good.

SS: Seattleites would no more throw recyclables in the trash than we would walk around without pants.

GK: I'm sure.

SS: He was terrified of woods and mountains when he arrived. I've made a hiker out of him.

GK: Good.

SS: He was drinking instant coffee. So I had to teach him about that. He was a Yankees fan. I had to break that habit. He talked with a weird accent. I had to beat that out of him.

GK: Sounds like you did what you had to do.

SS: But I still have to teach him manners.

GK: Manners.

SS: Manners. Seattle manners. (BRIDGE)

GK: So she explained it to me, how Artie-- that was his name -- was a little impetuous for Seattle and interrupted people and that offended them and because people here were so polite, nobody would yell at him when he got out of line, and so that was my assignment. To follow Artie around and yell at him.


GK: Started in a coffee shop, of course. Sewall's Jewels of Seattle, was the name of it. (CROWD CHATTER) He was standing in a line leading to the counter where the sign said Order Here. And then before you knew it-- he was standing at the counter and ordering a mocha-- HEY!

TR: What??

GK: There's a line here.

TR: Where?

GK: Right here. Behind her.

TR: Who're you?

GK: There's a line. Stay in line. Don't sidle forward.

TR: Who's sidling?
GK: You-- you pretend to be looking at the menu up on the wall and you sidle forward and then you stand there and order.

SS (WOMAN, HUSHED): Mister, keep your voice down, wouldja?

GK: He's jumping the line.

SS (WOMAN): It's not important.

GK: It is important. This is a city of decent people --

TR (INTERRUPTS): She doesn't mind. She says it's not important. It's not important.

GK: (CONT.) and it depends on mutual respect and mutual
respect means staying in line-- you're interrupting me-- shut up.

SS (WOMAN): Shhhhhh. Don't make a big deal of it.

FN: What's the big fuss about?

GK: This guy needs to learn some manners. And that means standing in line and --

TR (INTERRUPTS): Why the big deal? Who am I hurting?

GK: You're hurting everybody. You're taking advantage of polite people by walking all over them and you're not going to get away with it.

TR: I don't get it. She was standing there and I move up to look at the menu--

GK: And then you stepped in front of her.

SS (WOMAN): Not a problem. Really.

TR: You're the one who's making the fuss.

GK: I wouldn't if you'd stay in line.

FN: Jeeze. I'm going to have to go take my medications.

TR: I didn't know there was an official line here. I mean, where is the sign that says, Line Here. Okay? Man--

GK: You know what you were doing, Mr. New York, you were jumping the line--

TR: Talk about impolite-- everybody's having a good day and you have to make a federal case out of (WHUMP, CHOKED TALK MUFFLED)

GK: I had to stuff a biscotti in him to make him shut up and then I shoved him to the back of the line and he stayed there. Lesson One. (BRIDGE) Next day, at the ferry landing, there he was in his big SUV-- (HONK) Hey-- you--

TR: What? Who're you?

GK: What you honking for?

TR: Get your head out of my window--

GK: This isn't midtown Manhattan. This is Seattle.

TR: I honked-- what's the matter with that?

GK: There's a line here. The line isn't going to move any faster if you honk.

TR: What business is it of yours?

GK: These people are listening to public radio. They're not interested in how loud your horn is.

TR: Who made you the politeness police???

GK: Stifle it or I'm going to tell Susie.

TR: Susie--

GK: I'm filing a report tonight.
TR: You're working for Susie?

GK: Making a list and checking it twice, gonna tell her if you're naughty or nice.

TR: Oh my gosh.

GK: That's better.

TR: Please-- don't.

GK: She's a wonderful woman.

TR: You're telling me.

GK: She's trying to teach you.

TR: I'm trying to learn.

GK: She's a Seattleite and Seattle is not New York and --

TR: I know that. I know that.

GK: Excuse me? Who was just talking?

TR: I'm sorry.

GK: Did I ask you to break in? Did I?

TR: No.
GK: Then don't. Listen while people talk and when they stop, then you can talk. But give them a chance to breathe--

TR: I know, I know.

GK: Excuse me?

TR: Sorry.

GK: Write it down. They talk, you listen. Pause. They breathe. They say some more. You listen some more. Pause. They stop. Then you talk. Got it?

TR: Got it.

GK: Welcome to Seattle. (BRIDGE) I loved Seattle. I thought about staying. I walked down to the Aquarium where little children (SFX) were playing around a fountain and I sat there, watching them, innocent kids, full of the joy of life, and I looked out at the Bay (GULLS, OFF) and I said to myself, Hey, today is the first day of the rest of my life, let's go out and live it with boldness and I stood up and unbeknownst to me one of the little children had tied my shoelaces together and I took a step and fell flat on my face (SFX, CHILD SNICKERING). It was April Fool's Day, after all.
TR: A dark night in a city that keeps its secrets, where one guy is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC OUT)