(GUY NOIR THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions -- Guy
Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was February and the whole town was frozen shut. Nuts and bolts contracted, hinges, couplings, hardware -- everything got smaller -- (SFX) -- the trains were running late due to tight tracks (LOW WHISTLE, SCREECH OF WHEELS) and some bridges over the river had shrunk (SFX) so that pedestrians crossing in dim light (CRY OF MAN FALLING A LONG DISTANCE, SPLASH) fell through the gaps --
GK: ...and the runways at the airport had shrunk so that jetplanes had to be catapulted into the air -- (JET REV, RATCHET OF CATAPULT, RELEASE AND JET FLIGHT)
GK: -- and meanwhile my office in the Acme Building seemed to have gotten smaller too. Due to cash flow problems, I now had an officemate who sublet the eastern half of my desk. A fellow in the cruise business named Elwyn Bodey. (ELVIS CLEARS THROAT)
(SILENCE. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND EXHALES)
ELVIS: You never see anybody light a cigarette before?
GK: This is Minnesota, pal. Only people you see smoking here are people whose pants caught on fire.
ELVIS: You mind if I listen to the radio?
GK: Okay. (SWITCH ON RADIO, JAZZ SAX, THEN JAZZ BASS SOLO)
ELVIS: You like jazz?
GK: Some jazz.
ELVIS: Jazz is how you attract women, you know. Women go for men who go for jazz. Simple as that.
ELVIS: You dating anyone these days?
GK: Sure. Of course.
ELVIS: How come they don't call you at the office?
ELVIS: Women you're dating.
GK: Would you mind not sliding your pen and pencil holder over to my side of the desk? And your little silver trophy? This is the line. Thank you. Fourteen across, by the way, is lumpen. Blank "proletariat" -- that's lumpen.
ELVIS: (PHONE RING, PICK UP) Sunset Celebrity Cruises, L-t-d. How may I help? (VOICE AT OTHER END)
GK: This is not your phone, sir.
ELVIS: Yes, ma'am. The Guadacanal Rawalpindi Pago-Pago tour features the Tropikettes and comedian Danny Meadows and Eddie Rictus, the lead singer of The Collies. (VOICE AT OTHER END) The Collies. They recorded "Jenny Jenny" -- 1958. Big hit. You remember --
Jenny Jenny Jenny
Jenny Jenny Jenny
Shimmy Shimmy Wop Dop A Shoop Shoop
(VOICE AT OTHER END)
ELVIS: Okay, you think about it. Thanks for calling. (HANG UP)
GK: So you promote cruises of remote islands with washed-up rocknroll stars?
ELVIS: And what do you do? You follow men around to see if they're holding hands with Amber the cocktail waitress.
GK: You know, I'm glad you didn't sign that six-month lease -- (PHONE RINGS)
ELVIS: Sunset Celebrity Cruises, L-t-d. How may I help?"
(VOICE AT OTHER END)
ELVIS: Yes indeed, that's our Galapagos Grand Tour, 14 days at sea, featuring comedian Danny Meadows, the Tripikettes, and the Poodles. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Two of them are from the original Poodles, and two of them are new. (VOICE AT OTHER END) No, you're thinking of the Robins. The Poodles were the ones who recorded--
When I go up to my room and I feel blue
I put my arms around my pillow and pretend that it is you
I'm the boy who everyone thinks is weird
And then you appeared
My best friend
And so forth. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Okay, thanks for your interest.
GK: Sales aren't exactly going through the roof, huh?
ELVIS: It's not until March. Plenty of time. People book at the last minute. (PHONE RINGS) Sunset Celebrity Cruises, L-t-d. How may I help?" (VOICE AT OTHER END) Just a moment. (TO GK) For you.
GK: Hello. Noir here.
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): Guy?
GK: Darling --
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): HUH??
GK: Where are you? I'm going crazy thinking about you.
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): Quit kidding around, Guy. I got your pastrami sandwich all set to go.
GK: I want you. I want you now.
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): A pastrami with Monterey jack, we're out of cheddar. Okay?
GK: Anything you want, I'll do it, darling. Anything.
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): Wendell's coming over now. Six ninety-five. Cash. Okay? Cash.
GK: I can't wait. I'm counting the minutes.
SS (DORIS, ON PHONE): You're off your rocker.
GK: You know I'm crazy about you. (HANG UP)
ELVIS: Who was that?
GK: Just someone I know.
ELVIS: Sounded kind of old, even for you.
GK: I like my women experienced.
ELVIS: I like my women with big behinds.
GK: Beauty, Mr. Bodey, is more than a bountiful body.
ELVIS: Listen, buddy -- beauty is an itty-bitty body with a great big bootie.
GK: You must be batty. Who taught you that?
ELVIS: A girl named Betty. She was a busty beauty.
GK: What happened to her?
ELVIS: She moved to Berkeley. To study botany.
GK: You know -- you might get more business, that phone might ring more often, if you -- (PHONE RINGS. THEY WRESTLE FOR THE PHONE. GK YANKS IT AWAY) Yeah, Noir Detective Agency. Noir speaking.
TR (ON PHONE, RICO): Hey, Noir, it's me, Rico.
GK: Melissa. Darling. What a surprise to hear from you --
GK: Last night was so beautiful, darling. I hope you got home all right.
TR: You drinking again, Noir? Cut out the funny business.
GK: It just all happened so suddenly. We were saying goodnight and then -- wow --
TR: You must be smoking something too --
GK: By the way, you left your garter belt at my place. I'll mail it back.
ELVIS: Give me the phone --
GK: Melissa, I've got to run.
TR: Noir, I don't know what you're up to, but listen to me --
GK: Ciao, baby. And listen -- you were spectacular.
TR: -- whatever it is, I don't want no part of it.
ELVIS: Hand me the phone --
GK: Bye, baby. Later. (HANGS UP)
GK: Come on in, the door's unlocked. -- Stay out of my way now, okay? Or I may have to get rough. (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: She was tall and she wore jeans so tight I could read the embroidery on her underwear. It said Saturday. And this was only Thursday so there was time. She gave off a beautiful aroma that made me want to kill other men who were interested in her.
GK: I'm Guy Noir, come over and have a seat and I'll be with you in just a moment.
HM: I came to see him.
ELVIS: Hi, doll. How's it going?
HM: Not bad, Elwyn. Looking forward to our cruise.
ELVIS: Want you to meet Guy Noir -- this is Betty Alberghetti, of the Screaming Mimis.
GK: You're on one of his cruises?
ELVIS: You probably don't remember the Screaming Mimis, they were long after your time -- big big hits -- like:
ELVIS: (SINGS) You-u-u-u only you.
(HM SINGS); You-u-u-u only you.
(BOTH) You you you you
What shall we do
Me and you --
ELVIS: Betty and I are going to have lunch. See you later, Noir.
GK: See you.
HM: Bye. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)
(GK LONG SIGH) (PHONE RING, PICK
UP) Yeah, Noir here.
SS (ON PHONE): Is this the cruise line?
GK: Yeah, but the guy who handles that is gone right now.
SS (ON PHONE): Can you take a message for him?
GK: He'll be back in a minute.
SS (ON PHONE): I just want to change a reservation.
GK: Give him a call later. He'll be glad to..
SS (ON PHONE): It's just a simple reservation change.
SS (ON PHONE): My husband and I are on the March 13th cruise, with the Collies.
GK: Okay, but you're aware it isn't the full group, it's just Eddie Rictus.
SS (ON PHONE): Oh --
GK: Eddie Rictus the singer who just got out of San Quentin on a morals conviction. And he seems to have swine flu so you're going to want to get the shots.
SS (ON PHONE): Oh. Okay. Anyway for our entree on the gala First Night banquet, we'd like to switch from fish to filet mignon.
GK: Okay. Are your salmonella inoculations up to date?
SS (ON PHONE): I don't know.
GK: And does your personal insurance cover tsunamis? You might want to check the fine print.
SS (ON PHONE): Tsunamis?
GK: And we recommend you pick up a drug called Flagellate. It helps to reduce the severity of vomiting and diarrhea.
SS (ON PHONE): How do you spell that?
GK: That's spelled d-i-a-r-r-h-e-a.
SS: So tell me -- have you had a lot of cancellations for that cruise?
GK: No, we're almost full. You were aware that this is the clothing-optional Gay-Lesbian cruise, right?
SS: (OFF) George???? George!!!!
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.