GK: Hello?

SS: Honey, is that you?

GK: Hi mom.

SS: Oh honey--I've been worried sick about you. Somebody said you were moving to New York and I got this sudden vision ---- you know how it is? ---- I got a vision of you lying in the middle of a busy street and people stepping over you and dropping spare change on you ----

GK: I'm fine, mom.

SS: You're not moving there, are you? Say you're not. Say, "God forbid. Perish the thought."

GK: I'm not moving to New York.

SS: Thank goodness.

GK: I can't afford to, Mom.

SS: You can't afford to. ---- Can't afford to. ---- So it's only the expense that keeps you here, close to your family-- close to those who know and love you?

GK: I didn't say that, Mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Right. Anyway. I'm calling to see if you couldn't come over here and have a cup of coffee for Thanksgiving and I know what you're thinking, and the answer is "no." We don't expect you to come to Thanksgiving itself. We realize that you have many much more interesting people in your life and you should spend the day with them and never mind your family. Just come and have a cup of coffee. We're here all day Sunday, all day Monday, all day Tuesday, all day Wednesday. You get the picture.

GK: Okay, Mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): And if you can't come until Friday. That's okay.

GK: Mom--

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Soon as I see your car pull up. I'll jump up and make a fresh pot of coffee. And I'll make your father put on a diaper.

GK: Mom--

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Because when he sees you-- well-- he's going to be excited. Listen, my arthritis is killing me-- I've got to hang upside down for a minute--talk to your dad, he's right here--Hank? Hank--


GK: Mom, see the doctor about your arthritis--

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): There's nothing they can do. It's caused by childbirth. Here-- talk to the man whose seed got this whole thing going--

GK: Oh please.


SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): Here, talk to your son, Hank. Talk to him, he's right here on the phone. No this phone. The one in my hand. No not the cell phone. Here, take it, just take it.



GK: Hi Dad.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Happy Thanksgiving.

GK: Happy Thanksgiving to you, Dad. (A BEAT) You going somewhere for Thanksgiving?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Nope. Staying right here.

GK: Not going to Lois and Elmer's?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Nope. They're deaf as a post, both of them.

GK: Or Louie and Myrtle's?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): No. Not this year.

GK: Why not?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): They got some digestive situation going on where if they eat carbohydrates, they give off clouds of gas.

GK: Really?

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Billows of gas.

GK: I didn't know that.

TR (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Sit there on the couch after dinner and have a big eruption and it almost knocks them over. And loud ----- it sounds like a band of tubas.

GK: Aren't they embarrassed about it?

TR: Actually they seem to get a big kick out of it.

SS: What are you talking about?

TR: For some people it's the next best thing to orgasm.


SS (MIDWESTERN, OFF): Just give me the phone, give it to me---(ON ) Duane, honey are you still there?

GK: I'm here mom.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So who are they? Tell me, I want to know.

GK: Who?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Your Thanksgiving friends.

GK: I'm going to have Thanksgiving at a homeless shelter, Mom. I'm serving dinner to a couple hundred homeless people.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): So if your dad and I got in line, then we could see you for Thanksgiving.

GK: Mom----

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): We'll wear old clothes and we'll muss up our hair.

GK: Mom, just get a grip, okay?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): (UPSET) Should I wrap garbage bags around my feet?

GK: Mom.


GK: Do you want me to come home?

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): For Thanksgiving?

GK: Yes.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Only if you want to. You don't have to.

GK: I'll come home for Thanksgiving.

SS (MIDWESTERN, ON PHONE): Only if it would make you happy.

GK: It will.

SS (MOM): Okay. Good. We bought an organic free-range turkey, no hormones, no feed additives, and he was killed humanely by lethal injection. Okay?

GK: Fine.

SS (MOM): Bye now, love you.

GK: Love you mom.

SS (MOM): Don't forget. Thursday.

GK: I know, Mom. See you then.