TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.
GK: It was June and I was in Cincinnati, called in to help out a guy who was working up a circus act involving trained pigs.
FN: Pigs are smart, Mr. Noir. They're smarter than dogs, smarter than horses. (PIGS) Look at these guys here. (PIGS) They can do pigonometry, they can do Latin.
GK: Pig Latin.
FN: Yes, of course. And they can use a telephone--
GK: Pigs use a telephone?
FN: They can make calls on a telephone.
GK: Okay, but it's hog calling.
FN: Of course. So what? And pigs can be trained to do laundry.
FN: They can sort clothes, put them in the washer--
GK: That's hogwash.
FN: So what's wrong with that?
GK: What you going to have them do in the circus?
GK: Pigs flying?
FN: Watch-- Okay, Earl. Spread your wings. Spread --em. (PIG, OFF) (WINGS UNFURL)
GK: Wow. Nice wings.
FN: Go, Earl. (PIG, OFF) Come on, baby. Fly, Earl! (PIG, OFF, AND SWOOP, AND PIG PASSING WHILE SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT) Loop the loop, Earl! (PIG LOOPS)
GK: You got yourself a heck of a circus act, mister. (PIG FLIES PAST) So what do you need me for?
FN: I need you to help me figure out how to get email on my telephone.
GK: You've got a p.c. right there, why not use that?
FN: The pigs use it.
GK: All the time?
FN: They're online morning, noon, and night.
GK: Tell --em to quit hogging the computer. (STING, BRIDGE) My plane didn't leave Cincinnati for a few hours so I headed down to a little cafe called Mom's Lunch. (DISHES RATTLING)
SS: Yeah, what can I get you?
GK: You got chili?
SS: Got Cincinnati chili.
GK: That's the one with all the spaghetti and beans, right?
SS: Cincinnati Chili.
GK: Right. How about regular chili?
SS: That is regular chili.
GK: I mean chili chili. Like what you get in a can.
SS: Ours doesn't come from a can.
GK: The kind with beans and some ground beef.
SS: Never heard of it.
GK: How about a salad?
SS: Got a Cincinnati salad.
GK: What's that?
SS: Spaghetti, beans, chili, and salad.
GK: Okay. How about fried chicken?
SS: Got Cincinnati fried chicken.
GK: Never mind. Okay, Cincinnati chili then.
SS: You want that three-way, four-way or five way?
GK: Uh. What's five-way?
SS: That's spaghetti, chili, cheese, beans, and onions.
GK: And four way?
SS: We got four-way onion or four-way bean.
GK: How about two-way, beans and chili?
SS: We don't do two-way. Just three-way, four-way, or five-way.
GK: Four way.
SS: Onion or bean.
SS: We're out of onion.
GK: Bean then. And hold the spaghetti.
SS: You want the spaghetti on the side?
GK: That's fine.
SS: But you're going to eat the spaghetti, right?
GK: Of course.
SS: Not going to throw it out when my back is turned--
GK: Wouldn't dream of it.
SS: You want that dry or wet?
GK: You mean with sauce--
SS: You want it wet?
GK: Sure. Is it hot sauce?
SS: Is it hot sauce, you ask? Let me put it this way -- it's so hot that we keep our toilet paper in the freezer. If you get my drift.
GK: I think I'll have it dry then.
SS: (LOUD) A Cincy Four-- dry, worms on the side.
FN (OFF): Cincy four, dry, worms on the side.
GK: So you're from Cincinnati?
GK: I say, you're from Cincinnati?
SS: Yeah. Born here, lived here ever since, never left.
GK: You like it better here than in Kentucky?
SS: Never been to Kentucky.
GK: Right across the river.
SS: Never saw a reason to go. The mister's been to Minnesota, though.
GK: That's where I live.
SS: I know.
GK: How do you know that?
SS: Because of all you don't know about Cincinnati.
FN: Here's your Cincinnati Chili four-way wet. Spaghetti on the side.
GK: I ordered it dry.
FN: It isn't as good dry.
GK: There's a lot of sauce on that.
FN: Sauce is what you eat Cincinnati Chili for. Without the sauce you might as well order Chicago Chili.
GK: What's that?
FN: Cincinnati without the spaghetti or the sauce.
GK: That's what I was hoping for.
FN: Then you ought to go to Chicago.
GK: You people seem to be a little inflexible.
FN: Try it, you'll like it.
SS: Best Cincinnati chili anywhere.
FN: Especially in Cincinnati.
SS: Go get him some iced tea, Jimmy.
FN: Sweet or unsweet?
SS: I'd say he could use some sweetening.
FN: Okay-- What's the matter with him? He's got steam coming out of his eyeballs.
SS: It's good for him. Maybe we should pour some cold beer on him--
FN: Okay (POP TOP, POURING) Is he breathing?
SS: Breathe, Mr. Noir! -- Yeah, he's okay. Just a little overwhelmed by Cincinnati four-way.
FN: Maybe we better get out the paddles.
SS: Naw. He's just stunned, that's all. Same thing happened to those first-round draft picks the Bengals paid all that money for. Brought em in, put too much sauce on the chili and it made them thoughtful and introspective. Ruined --em as football players, made --em into poets.
FN: You know something-- I'm gonna put the paddles on him.
SS: Mr. Noir, you want me to get the toilet paper out of the freezer? Mr. Noir? Take a big drink of water. Here you go--
FN: Get the water away. Stand back. Stand back. Contact. (PADDLES ZAPPING)
SS: He blinked.
FN: He'll be okay. One more. (PADDLES ZAPPING) (BRIDGE)
GK: I have no specific memory of being in Cincinnati. I remember there is a river and hills. And beyond that I don't remember. You say there were flying pigs, I won't say you're making it up, I just don't remember. And you know, I can't wait to go back.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.