TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye.


GK: It was June and I was in Cincinnati, called in to help out a guy who was working up a circus act involving trained pigs.

FN: Pigs are smart, Mr. Noir. They're smarter than dogs, smarter than horses. (PIGS) Look at these guys here. (PIGS) They can do pigonometry, they can do Latin.

GK: Pig Latin.

FN: Yes, of course. And they can use a telephone--

GK: Pigs use a telephone?

FN: They can make calls on a telephone.

GK: Okay, but it's hog calling.

FN: Of course. So what? And pigs can be trained to do laundry.
GK: Really?

FN: They can sort clothes, put them in the washer--

GK: That's hogwash.

FN: So what's wrong with that?

GK: What you going to have them do in the circus?

FN: Fly.

GK: Pigs flying?

FN: Watch-- Okay, Earl. Spread your wings. Spread --em. (PIG, OFF) (WINGS UNFURL)

GK: Wow. Nice wings.

FN: Go, Earl. (PIG, OFF) Come on, baby. Fly, Earl! (PIG, OFF, AND SWOOP, AND PIG PASSING WHILE SQUEALING IN EXCITEMENT) Loop the loop, Earl! (PIG LOOPS)

GK: You got yourself a heck of a circus act, mister. (PIG FLIES PAST) So what do you need me for?

FN: I need you to help me figure out how to get email on my telephone.

GK: You've got a p.c. right there, why not use that?

FN: The pigs use it.

GK: All the time?

FN: They're online morning, noon, and night.

GK: Tell --em to quit hogging the computer. (STING, BRIDGE) My plane didn't leave Cincinnati for a few hours so I headed down to a little cafe called Mom's Lunch. (DISHES RATTLING)

SS: Yeah, what can I get you?

GK: You got chili?

SS: Got Cincinnati chili.

GK: That's the one with all the spaghetti and beans, right?

SS: Cincinnati Chili.

GK: Right. How about regular chili?

SS: That is regular chili.

GK: I mean chili chili. Like what you get in a can.

SS: Ours doesn't come from a can.
GK: The kind with beans and some ground beef.

SS: Never heard of it.

GK: How about a salad?

SS: Got a Cincinnati salad.

GK: What's that?

SS: Spaghetti, beans, chili, and salad.

GK: Okay. How about fried chicken?

SS: Got Cincinnati fried chicken.

GK: Never mind. Okay, Cincinnati chili then.

SS: You want that three-way, four-way or five way?

GK: Uh. What's five-way?

SS: That's spaghetti, chili, cheese, beans, and onions.

GK: And four way?

SS: We got four-way onion or four-way bean.

GK: How about two-way, beans and chili?

SS: We don't do two-way. Just three-way, four-way, or five-way.

GK: Four way.

SS: Onion or bean.

GK: Onion.

SS: We're out of onion.

GK: Bean then. And hold the spaghetti.

SS: You want the spaghetti on the side?

GK: That's fine.

SS: But you're going to eat the spaghetti, right?

GK: Of course.

SS: Not going to throw it out when my back is turned--

GK: Wouldn't dream of it.

SS: You want that dry or wet?

GK: You mean with sauce--

SS: You want it wet?

GK: Sure. Is it hot sauce?

SS: Is it hot sauce, you ask? Let me put it this way -- it's so hot that we keep our toilet paper in the freezer. If you get my drift.

GK: I think I'll have it dry then.

SS: (LOUD) A Cincy Four-- dry, worms on the side.

FN (OFF): Cincy four, dry, worms on the side.

GK: So you're from Cincinnati?

SS: Please?

GK: I say, you're from Cincinnati?

SS: Yeah. Born here, lived here ever since, never left.

GK: You like it better here than in Kentucky?

SS: Never been to Kentucky.

GK: Right across the river.

SS: Never saw a reason to go. The mister's been to Minnesota, though.

GK: That's where I live.

SS: I know.

GK: How do you know that?

SS: Because of all you don't know about Cincinnati.

FN: Here's your Cincinnati Chili four-way wet. Spaghetti on the side.

GK: I ordered it dry.

FN: It isn't as good dry.

GK: There's a lot of sauce on that.

FN: Sauce is what you eat Cincinnati Chili for. Without the sauce you might as well order Chicago Chili.

GK: What's that?

FN: Cincinnati without the spaghetti or the sauce.

GK: That's what I was hoping for.

FN: Then you ought to go to Chicago.

GK: You people seem to be a little inflexible.

FN: Try it, you'll like it.

SS: Best Cincinnati chili anywhere.

FN: Especially in Cincinnati.

GK: Okay.

SS: Go get him some iced tea, Jimmy.

FN: Sweet or unsweet?

SS: I'd say he could use some sweetening.

FN: Okay-- What's the matter with him? He's got steam coming out of his eyeballs.

SS: It's good for him. Maybe we should pour some cold beer on him--

FN: Okay (POP TOP, POURING) Is he breathing?

SS: Breathe, Mr. Noir! -- Yeah, he's okay. Just a little overwhelmed by Cincinnati four-way.

FN: Maybe we better get out the paddles.

SS: Naw. He's just stunned, that's all. Same thing happened to those first-round draft picks the Bengals paid all that money for. Brought em in, put too much sauce on the chili and it made them thoughtful and introspective. Ruined --em as football players, made --em into poets.

FN: You know something-- I'm gonna put the paddles on him.

SS: Mr. Noir, you want me to get the toilet paper out of the freezer? Mr. Noir? Take a big drink of water. Here you go--

FN: Get the water away. Stand back. Stand back. Contact. (PADDLES ZAPPING)

SS: He blinked.

FN: He'll be okay. One more. (PADDLES ZAPPING) (BRIDGE)

GK: I have no specific memory of being in Cincinnati. I remember there is a river and hills. And beyond that I don't remember. You say there were flying pigs, I won't say you're making it up, I just don't remember. And you know, I can't wait to go back.


TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir. Private Eye.