TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--..Guy Noir, Private Eye.

GK: It was June and I was in Los Angeles, visiting an old friend named Johnny Lasagna who I met years ago when I was in Hollywood trying to get work in pictures. Long story. I always liked Johnny, though sometimes I can't remember why. (BRIDGE)

MS: Hey hey hey hey hey ---- you're beautiful. Hey, c'mon. What's with the handshake? Gimme a hug, ya big nuthin. (SQUEEZE) Good to see ya, Guy.

GK: Good to see you.

MS: Those were the days, huh? Huh? (SINGS) Those were the days, my friend, I thought they'd never end.

GK: Those were the days indeed. ---- (FOOTSTEPS) Nice place you got, Johnny. Nice view of the street.

MS: Yeah, 100 Billion Sold.
GK: Palm trees. Very nice. And a nice view of the parking lot so you can keep your eye on your car.

MS: Well, I don't have a car anymore. No, I gave it up. Environment. It was the least I could do.

GK: You told me last week it'd been repossessed.

MS: Oh yeah. Well, that too. Anyway--- this is my clock collection here. This is my big passion in life, Guy. This and the dogs.

GK: You have dogs?

MS: No, no. ----- Other people's dogs. I walk dogs. Best job I ever had. I love it. And my clocks. My Swiss clock. (CUCKOO) And my English clock. (THREE DEEP BONGS). This is a French one. Eighteenth century. (LITTLE HUNTING HORN) This one's from India. (TABLA) This is my old Route 66 Clock. (OLD AUTO HORN) Very rare.

GK: Uh huh. I read in the paper about a clock collection stolen from an old man's house in Santa Monica. Very valuable.

MS: I didn't hear about that.

GK: There was a detailed description of the stolen goods.

MS: I'll have to check that out.

GK: I seem to remember a Route 66 clock being among them.

MS: -----(BEAT) It's so great of you to come out here, Guy. Just like the old days. That summer you and I went around auditioning for parts -----

GK: So you're not in movies anymore, I take it.

MS: I took a break from movies, Guy. They just got to be so shallow, so empty. I'm selling home aromatherapy kits now ---- and I'm a music producer ----I'm busier than I've ever been ---- and I'm walking dogs. I love dogs. I mean that. My walks with dogs are the most meaningful parts of my day.

GK: Uh huh.

MS: It's a time when I can get outside myself ---- you know?--

GK: Okay.

MS: But what I called you about is this---- I've written a screenplay. And I want you to locate Susie Weill the movie producer ---- follow her ----- find out where she exercises -------- where she eats lunch ----- and where would be the best place for me to ---- you know----
GK: Run into her and give her your screenplay.

MS: Yeah ---- (DOOR BELL) Excuse me. Got a visitor. ---- Come on up, it's 3J. Take the stairs, the elevator's broken. ---- (BUZZER)

GK: Susie Weil, huh. I thought she mostly did musicals.

MS: She's hot right now. She can get anything made that she wants to make. (KNOCKS ON DOOR) Yeah, come in. Door's unlocked.

HM: Mr. Hammerfest?

MS: Hi, Ashley. Come on in, kid. I'll get set up in a minute. (BRIDGE)

GK: She was a singer-songwriter, you could tell right away. The long blonde hair down her back, the eccentric outfit, a vest and blouse and skirt sewn by aboriginal people somewhere -----

MS: Ashley is a singer-songwriter, Guy. She's going to be huge one of these days and meanwhile she records jingles for me.

HM: I'm playing at the Grocery next Thursday, if you want to come.
MS: Thursday is my yoga night. I wish I could but---- when I skip yoga, I don't like myself anymore.

GK: What's the Grocery?

HM: What's the Grocery?

MS: It's a supermarket.

GK: Oh. A grocery.

MS: But they have performance spaces. Which one you doing?

HM: I got Produce .

MS: Produce! Wow. That's the best. ---- Produce. Lotta big time agents and producers buying their Swiss chard and their pomegranates ----- that's terrific, kid. I'm proud of you. ----- Okay. Okay. You ready to do one? Here. You want me to play the track for you?

HM: No. I remember it.

MS: Okay. Here you go. (ORGAN TRACK UNDER)

Twenty-four-hour Bail Bond Service.
You can be free.
Call Sidney.
He's always there for you.

MS: Beautiful. That's great. Let's do the other one. (ORGAN TRACK UNDER)


Fluff & Fold Laundromat,
We will fold your clothes flat,
Shirts and pants and underthings---
No need for any ironing.
And every sock will have its mate
Fluff & Fold. We're open late.

MS: Beautiful.

GK: So you do commercial jingles, huh?

MS: It's a sideline. The home aromatherapy kits are really taking off. You want one?

GK: No thanks.

MS: And at three o'clock I've got fourteen dogs to walk. That's my --quality time--.


MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevator's broken, I'm in 3J. (BUZZER)

MS: Anyway, this screenplay of mine ---- it's about a kid who wants to be an actor but he's really attached to his old horse so he can't come to L.A. because he's got this horse to take care of ----he lives up in the hills ---- and years go by and he can see the lights of L.A. down below but he's devoted to the horse and his parents died in a plane crash so there he is, and then he decides he'll take the horse with him, and they walk from way up in the mountains down to Paramount Pictures and somebody there says, --Hey, we need an old horse ---- we're shooting --Black Beauty-- ---- and the horse hears that, --We're shooting Black Beauty-- and he rears up and takes off running -----

TR: Mr. LaSagna ---- it's me, Tony.

MS: Tony---- I asked you to give me a couple weeks.

TR: We gave you a month, Mr. LaSagna.
MS: Would it kill you to give me two more weeks?

TR: It's overdue. It was due in January.

MS: I'm fully cognizant of that. Give me two hours.

TR: I got a busy day today.

MS: How about two minutes?

TR: Okay. Two minutes.

MS: Thank you. ---- Ashley, sweetheart ---- I gotta record this jingle ---- the guy is taking away the recorder and the microphones, okay? Can we do this?

HM: What about my song?

MS: Work with me, sweetheart. Okay? Let's just do this. Thank you. (ORGAN TRACK)


If you want your car looking new,
Wash & Wax, detailing too.
Old chrome look like brand-new ---
Here's what you have to do:
Come to Gene's Automotive Styling
And you'll be smiling.

MS: Beautiful.

HM: Can I do my song now?

MS: Listen, this is a temporary thing, okay? A misunderstanding with the finance company. Next week, I'm back in business.

MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevator's broken, I'm in 3J. (BUZZER)

TR: I really should start packing up that recording equipment.

MS: Five minutes, I'm in the middle of something now----

GK: So you were telling me the story of the screenplay.

MS: Yeah, it's about a kid who wants to get into the movies.

GK: You told me that ---- he's down at Paramount Pictures and somebody is going to shoot Black Beauty and he takes off running----

MS: Who takes off?

GK: The horse.

MS: Whose horse?

GK: The kid who wants to get into pictures.

MS: Right, that's what I said, it's about a kid who wants to get into movies and he lives up in the mountains.

GK: And he can't audition because he has this horse.

MS: No, no, no ----- that's an earlier version. I rewrote all of that.

GK: So he doesn't take his horse to Paramount?

MS: No, that's not in it anymore. He has a dog and they go to Ventura.


FN: Hi. I'm from 3K. You gotta stream of visitors coming to my apartment.

MS: Sorry. (DOOR SLAM)

TR: I've got to go, I've got another appointment, Mr. LaSagna.

MS: Go then. Do what you gotta do.

TR: I'm supposed to take the recorder with me.

MS: Come back for it. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

GK: I still don't get the story here---- could we start at the beginning----- it's a kid who wants to be in movies, right?


MS: Come in, take the stairs, the elevator's broken, I'm in 3J. (BUZZER)

MS: When you track down Suzy Weill, just tell her the story, don't give her the screenplay. It's still a little rough. Just tell her the story.

GK: The story of the boy who wants to get into movies but he can't because he has to take care of his horse.

MS: Not a horse. A dog.


MS: Here they are. My pals. My little pals. Okay, fellas---- let's go for a walk, whaddaya say.

TR: I gotta take the recorder with me, sorry, I gotta do it.

GK: Johnny, what's the title of the screenplay----

MS: It's called --Shooting Black Beauty-------

GK: I thought that was out.

MS: It's all up for discussion, okay? It's a work in progress. Take care of it. I'll be back in half an hour. (DOGS GOING OUT THE DOOR, DOOR SLAM)

GK: The room gets very quiet without Johnny here.

TR: I've gotta take this recording stuff away.

HM: Could I just record one song? Are you a friend of Mr. LaSagna's?

GK: I guess I am. We were in a movie called --Rio Mississippi -- ----- it was about migrant workers. Writers.

HM: I never heard of it.

GK: Neither did anybody else. It died a merciful death.
GK: Come in, take the stairs, the elevator's broken, we're in 3J. (BUZZER)

TR: Okay, I'm leaving now. Sorry.

GK: It's okay. You're just doing your job.
GK: Take the stairs, elevator's broken, 3J. (BUZZER)


SS: Hello? I'm Suzy Weil.

GK: The producer?

SS: Of course. ---- Ashley! What are you doing here?

HM: Hi, Mom. I came to record a song.

SS: Oh. That's nice.

GK: What brings you here, Miss Weil?

SS: I ordered a home aromatherapy kit and it arrived and I've got three eucalyptus and no hyacinth and no chamomile.

GK: I'll have somebody at the warehouse look into it immediately. How's the movie business?

SS: Never better. The economy's down and that means people are looking for entertainment. Dance! That's the big thing in pictures today. People can't get enough of it.

GK: Take the stairs, the elevator's broken, it's 3J. (BUZZER)

SS: You want a ride home, Ashley?

HM: I want to stay and sing my song.

SS: I can wait in the car.

HM: Up to you.

SS: I'll wait. ---- Nice meeting you, Mr. ---

GK: Noir.

SS: Nice meeting you. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSE)

GK: I suppose with a mom like that, you could get all sorts of jobs.

HM: I know, but I want to make it on my own.

GK: Well, that's very brave.

MS: I forgot my keys. (FOOTSTEPS, RUMMAGING) I thought you were gonna go find that movie producer for me.

GK: I found her. She left thirty seconds ago. You must've passed her on the stairs.

MS: Handsome woman, black hair, black hornrims?

GK: That was Suzy Weil.

MS: What'd she think of the screenplay?

GK: She likes it, she thought it was brilliant, but you should change the boy to a girl and change the horse to a boyfriend. And she doesn't want to get into movies, she wants to get into ballet.

MS: But she liked it. Basically.

GK: She loved it. It just needs to be tweaked a little.

MS: Great. Thanks. Okay----- gotta go to the dogs.

GK: I thought you'd already gone.


GK: So what's the song about?

HM: It's about being true.

GK: Okay. Just sing it for me. I'd love to hear it.


HM: (SINGS) Oh baby, baby
Stay by my side
I want you, I need you
Despite my foolish pride.
Hold me close, darling
You're my dream come true
Our love is forever
I'm lost without you

GK: That's nice.

HM: There's more. (SINGS)
Oh baby baby
Stay by my side----
GK: You already sang that.

Oh baby baby
I can't let you go.
I gave you my heart
That night long ago.
I'll always love you
All my life through
I'll be yours forever
What else can I do?

GK: He's the cheerfullest man I know, Johnny LaSagna, always looking ahead, and when we said goodbye the next day, the screenplay was gone and forgotten.

MS: I've got a liquid spray that when you spray it on your hands, it can help you find things you've lost.

GK: Like what?

MS: Car keys. Glasses. Billfold.

GK: How does that work?

MS: Sympathetic vibrations. Overtones. I don't know. You spray it on your car keys and then on your hands and you can find things.

GK: How long does it last?

MS: Fifteen minutes.

GK: So if you'd just sprayed this on your car keys, then probably they wouldn't be lost.

MS: Well, that's my point. And then you spray it on your hands and you can find them.

GK: Find your hands?

MS: Car keys. It's gonna be big. Want to go in with me on a franchise?

GK: No, but if they ever do a remake of --Rio Mississippi-- I'm there.

MS: It's a deal.

TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--..Guy Noir, Private Eye.