GK: (QUIET TRAGIC PIANO CHORDS) I always get the blues at Christmas. Have for years. I think most of us Minnesotans do. (LOW MEANINGFUL MOOING) -- all of those big brown eyes watching every move you make -- every day the milking machines (SFX) -- the cold barn, the methane emissions (COW FART). I went to a psychoanalyst for awhile but I just never understood what he was saying to me. (TR STUDIOUS GERMAN) And I went to a behavioral psychologist but that didn't work out.
SS: (FLEXNER): What you need to do is smile a great big smile and tie some bells around your ankles and jump up and down. If you act like you're happy, you will make yourself happy. Come on. Try it. Let's see a big smile. (BRIDGE)
GK: I tried meditation and yoga one year. (SITAR, TABLA)
TR (INDIAN): And now we will perform the position known as the Blissful Rutabaga. Place the top of your head flat against the floor between your feet and then raise your legs very very high and straight in the air and put your hands in your pockets. On the count of three. One...two...(BRIDGE)
GK: So I went to a psychiatrist.
WB: Here. Take two of those, and then one a day in the morning with food. Okay?
GK: What is it?
GK: Which one?
WB: What's the problem? What do you want? The chemical formula?
GK: Just curious what I'm taking.
WB: It's called Mists on the Mountain. Okay? One a day, in a week you'll feel terrific. Have a nice day.
GK: Mists on the Mountain? I never heard of it. What does it do?
WB: What do you mean, what does it do? It's an anti-depressant. It makes you happy. What do you want? A two-hour seminar on reuptake inhibitors and seratonin and induced amnesia? Huh? Look. I'm busy. Do you mind?
GK: What do you mean?
WB: You don't understand the word amnesia?
GK: I just don't see why--
WB: Look. You're full of guilt and regret. So we just snip the thread of memory and all that garbage goes drifting away and you're free and clear. Light-hearted.
GK: Will I still be able to read and write?
WB: There are trade-offs.
GK: Okay. I'm out of here. (FOOTSTEPS)
WB (OFF): I am still sending a bill! (DOOR SLAM) (BRIDGE)
GK: So as a last resort I came to New York for Christmas. I flew into LaGuardia, the world's most exciting airport, where powerful gusts of wind rock your plane (SFX SEQ) on the approach which takes you over the vast cemeteries of Brooklyn and you land on a runway the size of a long driveway (TIRES SCREECH, BRAKES) and the bright lights of Times Square (LASER LIGHT WARBLE) past the breakdancers (BASS BOOMBOX RIFF, SFX) and the guy playing Christmas carols on the steel drum (SFX) and the Chilean flute band (EL CONDOR PASA) and I came in the back door of the Town Hall. And here I am. Couldn't be better.