TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye (THEME)
GK: It was May, and I was in Washington, I was working for the Department of Transportation on a video telling people how to ride the bus -- what with gas four bucks a gallon and heading for nine, many people are considering mass transit who never had before -- and the video is meant to familiarize them-- (DOCUMENTARY THEME)
TR (PRETENTIOUS): RIDING THE BUS -- (MUSIC UP----) Perhaps you've noticed them on the street, long tubular-type vehicles with many windows on either side -- let's get aboard one! (SFX BUS STOPPING, AIR BRAKES) Remember that bus doors open outward so don't stand too close-- (FN SNARLY) Remember, bus drivers are grumpy-- so don't ask him how to work the farebox -- do your homework and look it up online the night before --- and the people in line behind you are surly too (YIPPING AND YAPPING) so step on the bus and move to the rear -- but not all the way to the rear because that's where weird people sit (
FN: Hi, sit down next to me. I have candy.)
GK: It was like a lot of things that happen in Washington -- a lot of money was spent to explain things that most people knew by the time they were eleven, but I collected my consulting fee, and headed home, and I was at the airport (VOICES) standing in line at security--
TR (ARABIC): Excuse me, sir-- are you on the plane to Minnesota?
GK: Yes, sir.
TR (ARABIC): Very good. Very good. I have this package that must go to Minnesota -- very urgent -- and I'm wondering if you would mind carrying it aboard the plane...
GK: Well, I don't know. Who are you?
TR (ARABIC): I know. I am dark mysterious stranger. And here I am asking you to carry a package for me. And I can't tell you what's in it. It is a secret.
GK: Well. Okay. Just this once..
TR (ARABIC): Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Here you go. Remember this side up.
GK: Hey. No problem. This side up. Nice burnoose, by the way.
TR (ARABIC): Thank you, goodbye. (QUICK FOOTSTEPS OFF)
GK: And the moment he walked away, a phone rang inside the package (CELLPHONE RINGS) and I opened it up (OPENING PACKAGE) - there seemed to be a lot of kumquats in a box (SQUISHING)-- and a phone in the middle--
GK:(PICKUP) Yeah, Guy Noir here.
FN (ON PHONE): Who?
GK: Guy Noir.
FN (ON PHONE): Where's Ahmed?
GK: I don't know. Somebody gave me this package. I'm at the airport.
FN (ON PHONE): Oh my gosh. Get over here right away. What was he thinking? I'm at the Capitol. Come to the back door and ask for Earl. (STING, BRIDGE)
GK: So I took the box of kumquats up to the Capitol and I went through security (VOICES MURMUR, BEEPING) and was wanded all over (WAND) and then sniffed by a dog (DOG SNIFFING PROCEDURE) and then I was put inside a large canister and I was jiggled (SFX) and then a woman in a white uniform slapped me around a couple times (
SS: What was Rutherford B. Hayes's middle name? Come on. Out with it. Talk.) and finally I was buzzed in (BUZZ) and there was a man in coveralls with a ring of keys the size of Delaware.
TR: Hey. I'm Earl.
GK: It was the Congressional janitor. And he took me (FOOTSTEPS) down the long marble hallway to the Senate side of the building and the office of the Assistant to the Majority Whip, Edwin Houyhnhnm.
FN: Actually it's pronounced Houyhnhnm.
GK: Okay-how is that spelled?
FN: Just the way it sounds. H-o-u-y-h-n-h-n-m.
GK: Of course.
GK: Interesting. Sounds like a horse whinny.
FN. Oh? -- Huh. I never noticed that. -- Anyway, I'd like you to meet the assistant to the Minority Whip, Miss Houyhnhnm.
SS: Pleased to meet you. I'm Cynthia Houyhnhnm.
GK: You're Edwin's wife?
SS: No. No relation.
GK: No relation.
FN: No relation. She works for the Republican side, I'm with the Democratic side. The majority.
GK: Kind of unbelievable that two unrelated people with the last name Houyhnhnm would be working in the same office.
SS: Actually it's pronounced Houyhnhnm.
GK: I see.
SS: He pronounces it Houyhnhnm and I pronounce it Houyhnhnm.
FN: It comes from the Shetland Islands and actually the correct pronunciation is Houyhnhnm.
SS: My family pronounced it Houyhnhnm.
FN: Well, your family was trying to hide its origins. They were ashamed of being Shetlanders. They wanted people to think they were French or something. Because in Shetland it's pronounced Houyhnhnm.
SS: Well, we're not in Shetland, are we. No, we're not. We're in Washington, and here it's pronounced Houyhnhnm.
GK: Uh-- if you could tell me what you want-- okay? I have a plane to catch.
FN: It's like this. All three of the presidential candidates are members of the United States Senate, Mr. Noir, and it's terribly hard on everybody --- exhausting work ---terribly awkward -- and we're told that these kumquats have special properties -- they bring out the truthfulness in people -- so, if you wouldn't mind---
GK: You want me to serve kumquats?
SS: If we did it, they'd be suspicious. We're employees of the Senate and we're above politics. (BRIDGE)
TR: This way.
GK: So I headed around a corner to an unmarked door (STEAM) with steam coming out from under it. And I walked in. (DOOR OPENS, STEAM) There were people sitting on benches with towels wrapped around them. I couldn't make out their faces but I recognized the voices.
TR (MCCAIN): Come on in, close the door, my friend. Get yourself a towel. Welcome to the club. Taking a break from the campaign.
SS (HILLARY): Bill, would you stop crowding me, please?
TR (CLINTON): C'mon, sweeten up to me, honey.
SS (HILLARY): Now Bill, don't pinch me.
TR (CLINTON): I didn't.
SS (HILLARY): Yes you did. Ouch! Stop it!
TR (CLINTON): Who's doing that? Where's it coming from?
SS (HILLARY): Boy, I could not believe the dumb dumb dumb thing I said in South Dakota the other day. Or North Dakota, I forget where I was. I was going to say something about defending our borders and instead I said, "I am so bored with you people, I wish you would just disappear and leave me alone."
TR (OBAMA): Well, if you were vice-president, nobody would care what you said, Hillary, so there wouldn't be a problem.
SS (HILLARY): I'm not going to be your running mate, Barack. It's not gonna happen.
TR (MCCAIN): Well, my friends, I have said some lulus on the Straight Talk Express. Said I could accept staying in Iraq for a hundred years. Said I don't know anything about economics. And here I am. It worked out fine.
SS (HILLARY): You look pale, McCain. You look like you maybe ought to take a nap--
TR (MCCAIN): My friend, if you're implying that I'm too old, you just wait-- I'm like a fine wine among fruit juices. Now excuse me my friend, but who are you?
GK: I'm Guy Noir, I'm a private investigator.
TR (CLINTON): Investigation! Ha. You're 10 years too late. Nothing left to investigate.
SS (HILLARY): Now Bill, let's not go there.
TR (CLINTON): Hey, who brought the kumquats? (SQUORT) Hey, these are tasty. (BRIDGE)
GK: They ate the kumquats and suddenly -- the mood changed. They sat in the steam and suddenly there was brotherhood. And sisterhood.
TR (MCCAIN): Let me tell you something, my friends. I wouldn't say this anywhere else, but-- I didn't vote for him in 2000 -- or in 2004. I just smile and wave and let people think what they think.
SS (HILLARY): You know what McCain, I like your attidude.
TR (MCCAIN): Yes, I know, I like it, too.
TR (CLINTON): I wonder if anyone's ever deep-fried a kumquat.
SS (HILLARY): You are impossible. That's it. I'm leaving you and I'm going with Barack.
TR (BARACK): Sorry, Hillary. I've decided on Senator McCain for a running mate.
SS (HILLARY): WHAT????
TR (MCCAIN): It's the truth, my friends. I'm too old and sleepy to be President. We've had one napper and we don't need another. I think we're gonna be one heck of a team, skinny guy. (BRIDGE)
GK: Back at the Senate, Miss Houhyhnhnm was very pleased.
SS: Now I feel I can go back to the Midwest with a sense of accomplishment.
GK: You're leaving Washington?
SS: I am.
GK: Why is that?
SS: I want to start a family, Mr. Noir, and Washington men don't know how to do that. They get their excitement from feeling their cellphones vibrate.
FN: Not true, Miss Houhyhnhnm.
SS: Mr. Houhyhnhnm, I didn't see you--
FN: I don't think you've seen me for a long time.
SS: Why do you say that, Mr. Houhyhnhnm?
FN: Call me John. I just ate a kumquat and I love you, Miss Houhyhnhnm.
SS: John, please-- not now--- not here---
GK: Hey. The man is in love with you. And you've got the same last name, you wouldn't even have to change it.
SS: He pronounces it wrong.
FN: Do not.
SS: It drives me crazy.
FN: I pronounce it Houhyhnhnm.
SS: It's pronounced Houhyhnhnm.
SS: I'm sorry. Houhyhnhnm.
GK: Listen, I've got to run. Here-- a wedding gift for you.
SS: What's this?
GK: It's a video about how to catch a bus.
FN: Oh. Thanks.
GK: You're welcome. Don't sit in back. Weird people sit back there. And if you stand, hold onto something because buses can lurch and throw you into someone's lap, which actually might not be a bad idea. (THEME)
TR (ANNC): A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.