Garrison Keillor: Our sound resources man, or sound effects provider, Fred Newman, works our road shows only because there is an arrest warrant out for him in Minnesota (SIREN) due to an incident a year ago when Fred was on an airplane to Minnesota and he made sounds (MISC MECHANICAL MALFUNCTION SOUNDS) that made other passengers in tourist section extremely nervous -- there was some turbulence at the time and Fred made it sound as if the wheels were coming off the plane and the rudder was broken -- and then Fred pretended to be the pilot--
Fred Newman (P.A.): This is your pilot speaking from the cockpit. We seem to have run out of fuel--
GK: And when the plane landed, police were waiting to arrest him for being a public nuisance, and Fred went out the emergency door (ALARM) and hopped into a baggage cart and made his getaway (SMALL MOTOR WINDING UP) -- and so that's why he can't go back to Minnesota.
GK:Public nuisance is how most sound effects men start out as boys. They lie on the bunkbed above yours and (DRIPPING) work on their drip sound late at night, and you lie on your back, listening to that and slowly going crazy (BONKERS).
GK:And then they do crickets (SFX) and when you're almost asleep they toss in a snake (SFX) or they do heavy breathing (SFX). In school, the sound effects man sat behind you in physics and made sounds (FAINT DEATH CHOKING) during tests and when the teacher turned his back (ORANGUTAN) the sound effects man was there and when the teacher reached down for a pencil (RASPBERRY). Sound effects men have to go live by themselves (FN WEEPING --
FN: I promise I'll never do another pterodactyl again. Please. Don't throw me out-- DOOR SLAM. FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, FN SNIVELING. START OLD CAR, TRY AGAIN, TRY AGAIN, PULL AWAY) and so Fred had to move to an island in Chesapeake Bay because he got on people's nerves, so he lived out there with his dog (SFX) and his sheep (SHEEP) and a pig (PIG) and a hyena (HYENA) and a hippopotamus (HIPPO) and every day he went out on his crab boat (BOAT MOTOR) and he collected his crab traps (WINCH) and one day pulling up a crab trap he found a giant crab (GHOULISH CHUCKLING), six-feet long, (SFX), and before he knew what had happened, that crab had busted loose (SFX) and it grabbed a shotgun (SFX) and it forced Fred to drive the boat toward Baltimore (SFX) where it planned to take out the makers of some spicy hot sauces and Fred steered the boat close to the Coast Guard station and he tried to signal the Coast Guard that something was wrong -- he sneezed Morse Code (SNEEZE SNEEZE SNEEZE LONG SNEEZE) -- and finally he remembered -- crabs are deaf -- (FN: HELP!!!!)...
GK: ...and a Coast Guard chopper (CHOPPER) came and the crab fired (CRAB, SHOTGUN BLASTS) and of course its aim was poor and Fred grabbed a wooden mallet and he hit the crab (FN EFFORT, BWANG BWANG BWANG BWANG) but he couldn't break the shell and he dove over the side (DIVE , SPLASH) and the crab turned the boat around (UNDERWATER BREATHING) and Fred dove as the boat passed over him (MOTOR PASSING, UNDERWATER) and the crab shot him in the foot (SHOTGUN BLAST) and Fred was taken to the hospital and kept there for tests (CARDIOGRAM) and a brain scan (BLIPS ON SCREEN) and the brain scan revealed strange things (SPACE ALIEN BLIPS) so they kept him overnight for observation in a nice quiet room with an IV in his arm. (DRIPPING) He was there all night. All night lying on his back, listening to it drip and slowly going crazy (BONKERS).
Mr. Fred Newman, ladies and gentlemen.