Tim Russel: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions: Guy Noir, Private Eye.
Garrison Keillor: It was June, and business was way down. I got a call from a guy wanting to know the name of the woman who sat across from him at the fundraising dinner, and a call from a woman wanting me to find a lost cat --
Sue Scott: His name is Pookie.
SS: He's Siamese.
GK: I'll go look for him.
SS: He comes when you call but you have to call him like this: "pookiepookiepookiepookiepookie" --
SS: Let me hear you say it.
GK: Pookie pookie pookie.
SS: No, like this. "Pookiepookiepookiepookiepookiepookie"-- (BRIDGE)
GK: I was desperate for cash. I was three months behind on my rent. I was sneaking out of the Coolidge Arms by the back door and then my landlady caught me in the basement by the incinerator.
SS (DEEP): You ever been a homeless person, Guy?
SS (DEEP): Cause it's about to happen. Salvation Army is that way-- I'll give you a map -- you got until noon tomorrow.
GK: But Doris--
SS (DEEP): Noon tomorrow. You're out of here.
GK: How about I work off the rent by providing security--
SS (DEEP): You-- security-- (SHE BEGINS A THROATY LAUGH THAT TURNS INTO COUGHING) (BRIDGE)
GK: So I had to do something I hated to do and that was to advertise for roommate on the Internet and I said the rent was twice what it was, so -- I could buy time with Doris and have my sentence commuted. And that evening a guy named Johnny Patina came over with a whole carload of stuff.
Martin Sheen: (STROLLING AROUND, LOOKING) Hey, this is great. Like the layout here. Just need a place for a couple months until I get my business up and running. You mind if I use the phone for business?
GK: That's okay. What business you in, Johnny?
MS: I do different things. Right now I got a start-up called Celebrity Bus Tours.
GK: Oh. Well, sure. Go ahead, use the phone.
MS: I may be getting calls from customers, so if the phone rings, I'd appreciate it if you'd answer it "Celebrity Bus Tours"--
GK: "Celebrity Bus Tours"--
MS: Right. And if they ask for more information, you could say, "I'll see if Mr. Patina is in." Okay?
GK: "I'll see if Mr. Patina is in."
MS: But with more life, okay?
GK: "I'll see if Mr. Patina is in."
MS: Cause if this is a problem, I mean I can just take back my two grand and find someplace else--
GK: No, no-- I can do it-- don't worry -- let me show you your bedroom, it's this one right in here--
MS: You want me to take this bedroom? The little one near the toilet?
GK: That's the bedroom that's open--
MS: I kinda like this other bedroom better. It's bigger. And it's got a view of the street.
GK: Okay. You got it. I'll clean out the dresser.
MS: I'm gonna need something for a desk too. I got a lot of papers and stuff -- I'm right in the middle of planning my summer season --
GK: Well, there's the kitchen table--
MS: Too small. I was thinking more like a real desk. I was thinking I could take this bedroom door off the hinges and set it on those two end tables in the living room. Just the right height. Make a nice big desk. Put the phone on it. I'm in business. What you think?
GK: Take the door off the little bedroom --
MS: Your bedroom--
GK: And put it on the end tables in the living room.
GK: That sort of takes up the whole living room.
MS: Yeah? You got a problem with that?
GK: Kitchen wouldn't work for you?
MS: I'm going to be having some clients come in and meet with me and it just makes more sense if it's the living room. Gives the thing more credibility.
GK: Well, I mean, gosh-- if that's what you need-- you know-- hey--
MS: Thanks. I appreciate the consideration. One more thing while we're at it. I also sell antique glass goblets. Those green ones. You know, gas stations used to give em away as premiums. I sell em on eBay and I do all the mailing myself and I was thinking, if I could set up my mailroom on the kitchen counter-- you don't do much cooking, do you?
MS: I didn't think so. Chinese takeout, right?
MS: Great. I just have to bring in few boxes of it from the car. It's parked down on the street. You wouldn't mind running down and hauling it up, would you?
GK: From your car?
MS: Right. Parked a couple blocks down the street.
MS: Great. I'd do it but I got a twinge in my back. And I gotta stay close to the phone. You know-- (BRIDGE)
GK: So I hauled his green goblets up from the car. He had me over a barrel. It was either have a roommate or go live in a dorm where you have to listen to a sermon before supper. And when I got back from hauling his goblets, he'd moved the TV from my bedroom, my former bedroom, into the living room, along with the desk-- you don't have your own TV?
MS: I do but yours is bigger. Easier for two people to watch. What kind of movies you like?
GK: Anything but private eye movies.
MS: Oh. Okay. How about westerns?
MS: Have a seat. (PUTTING IN TAPE, CLUNKS, REWIND) This is called "The Man With The Enormous Hat" -- let me fast forward past the commercials (FAST FORWARD, THEN SLOW, THEN MUSIC COMES UP TO SPEED) UNDER...)
Fred Newman (COWBOY): I don't trust a guy with that big a hat, Sheriff. Look at him. Covers up pretnear his whole face so you can't see his eyes.
TR: So what do you want me to do about it?
FN: You're the sheriff, Sheriff.
TR: Big hat isn't against the law.
FN: That hat oughta be. (SAUNTER ON GRAVEL AND STOP)
MS (EASTWOOD): You two talking about my hat?
TR: He was.
MS (EASTWOOD): I wear this hat cause I like it.
FN: How come it's so big?
MS (EASTWOOD): I like it that way. Keeps the sun off.
FN: And that serape. You Mexican?
MS (EASTWOOD): Nope.
TR: Why are you here, stranger? Why have you come among us?
MS (EASTWOOD): I just came riding along the trail and here you were so I came by.
TR: I'd feel a lot better if I could see your eyes.
MS (EASTWOOD): Maybe I don't want you to see my eyes. (GUN COCKS)
SS: Don't go up against him, Jim. He's dangerous. I just know it.
Erica Rhodes: Please, daddy. Come home with us. Supper's ready.
TR: I gotta do what I gotta do, woman.
SS: You don't know what you're getting into! Please.
ER: And we can't even see his face. Come home, Daddy.
TR (COWBOY): Quiet, Lula Bell. I have to do this. Can't you see? Otherwise I'll have to turn in my badge if I don't and leave town and never come back. (GUN COCKS)
FN: Look out, sheriff.
TR: Look out for what?
MS (EASTWOOD): Great big black bird circling slowly up in the sky.
TR: Big bird? Where? I don't see it.
(GUNSHOT, ER SCREAM)
ER: Who are you, Man with no face? Why did you come here? (SOBS) Why?!?!?!?!
MS: I've been trying to figure that out for years, kid. Maybe I'll never know. And that's okay.
(HORSE WHINNY, RIDES AWAY, MUSIC UP)
(PROJECTOR STOPS, MUSIC COMES TO SOUR STOP)
MS: Sorry. Phone ringing. (PICK UP) Celebrity Bus Tours. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yeah, Lake Tahoe. (VOICE) That's the ten-day -- the fourteen-day leaves in August. (VOICE) The celebrity on that one is Ronnie from the Mousketeers. (VOICE) Right. Ronnie, the little one. He played the drums. (VOICE) He was on in the mid-fifties. (VOICE) Right, he'd be about seventy now. (VOICE) Okay, thanks for the call. (HANG UP) (FOOTSTEPS) Customer.
GK: I figured.
MS: Ever see a movie called "Second Cousin Once Removed"?
GK: That's a movie?
MS: It was a big hit. The guy who played the Mafia kingpin is gonna lead a bus tour to Houston in August.
GK: Houston, Texas.
MS: Right. Good movie. Here. (PUTS DISC IN THE PLAYER. FAST FORWARD, THEN SLOW. MUSIC UNDER COMES UP TO PITCH)
TR (MAFIOSO): What you want, Benny?
MS: I think you know what I want. I want the farm that Papa wanted me to have.
TR (MAFIOSO): You came here to see me about the farm, huh?
MS: Yeah. The farm.
TR (MAFIOSO): I thought it was.
MS: It is. It's about the farm.
TR: Papa gave that farm to me, Benny. It's mine.
MS: He meant to give it to me. He told me that.
SS (MAFIA WOMAN): It's only a farm, Benny. Tomato plants. What you want with that? You don't even care for tomatoes. You always have the white sauce. It's not worth it.
MS: It's mine, Vinnie. And I'm claiming it.
TR: Oh yeah? Who says?
MS: Yeah. Says this gun--
(CLICK OF HAMMER)
SS: Don't-- don't do it--
ER: Don't go up against him, Vinnie. He's your second cousin once removed. You don't know what you're getting into! Don't do it! Don't!
(MUSIC TURNS SOUR AS PROJECTOR SHUTS DOWN)
MS: Phone. Sorry. (PICK UP) Celebrity Bus Tours. (VOICE AT OTHER END) Right. (VOICE) Right. (VOICE) That's right. It's a ten-day tour of Amish Country and it's led by Ozzy Osbourne's nephew Craig. (VOICE) Okay, well, let us know if you want a brochure. (HANG UP)
GK: Sounds like business is good.
MS: Yeah, we're doing okay. The tour to Houston is going slow, but-- we'll make it. How's business with you?
MS: I sensed that. You know, you don't look much like a private eye.
GK: That's my strong suit. You look at me, you don't think private eye, you think accountant. Or manager.
MS: I was thinking desk clerk. Or valet parking.
GK: Even better.
MS: Speaking of looks, what kind of shampoo you got here?
GK: Just a regular shampoo.
MS: Oh. You don't have any with aloe?
GK: I don't.
MS: Think you could get some?
GK: I probably could.
GK: Of course.
MS: The big bottle. I use a lot.
GK: I'll try to remember that.
MS: You like horror movies? Just got this the other day, "Midnight In Ohio" (PUTS DISC IN PLAYER)
GK: You seem to watch a lot of movies.
MS: I do.
GK: And not from beginning to end--
MS: No, I like to watch for about ten minutes max. Then switch to something else. I'm restless. (PROJECTOR STARTS UP, MUSIC COMES UP TO PITCH)
ER: Don't go up those stairs and into that little room, Father Flanagan. You have no idea what you're getting into. It's horrible. My sister has been possessed by demons.
MS (IRISH): I know what I'm getting into, daughter. It's Satan. And he's come to Dayton, Ohio. And I'm going to go up there with faith in my heart and a crucifix in my hand.
ER: Please, Father. It's not Hillary anymore. It's a monster who spouts vile obscenities and spews green fluid all over.
MS (IRISH, OFF): I must do what I must do, my daughter. And God will go with me. You wouldn't happen to have a little whiskey around, though, would you?
(DOOR OPENS, SS FREAKY POSSESSED DEMON, FLAMEUP)
(MUSIC SOURS AND SLOWS AS FILM STOPS)
MS: Just a sec. (PICKUP) Celebrity Bus Tours. (VOICE) No, we don't offer a tour to New York. (VOICE) No, sir. (VOICE) Well, maybe someday, but not now. (VOICE) You're welcome. (HANG UP) Sorry.
GK: Could I make one little comment. Not to be critical, but you have a habit of tapping your fingers and humming.
MS: Oh, I didn't notice that.
GK: Yeah, I think if you're going to be meeting with the general public, you might want to do something about that.
MS: Oh, nobody ever mentioned that before -- Here's one-- this is new --it's called "Killer Chakras" -- (PUTS DISC IN PLAYER. STARTS.
MS: There's only room on this yoga mat for one of us, big boy.
FN: What? What's wrong?
ER: Don't listen to him, Mitch. He's trouble. He's not even wearing real yoga clothes.
MS: Go do your downward dog somewhere else, mister. You're in my space.
FN: Well, gee. I'm sorry--
MS: I'm going to teach you a new position, called Kissing The Dirt. Here-- (BONE CRACKING, FN AGONY)
ER: Oh my gosh! You're doing violent things! Right here in the yoga studio!!!
MS: And here's one called Putting Your Head Where The Moon Does Not Shine. (BONE CRACKING, FN PAIN)
ER: Who are you, man in blue jeans? Why did you come among us?
MS: Telephone again. Sorry. (PICKUP) Celebrity Bus Tours. (VOICE) Who? (VOICE) Sure. Just a sec-- (TO GUY) For you. Don't take too long, okay?
GK: Yeah, Noir here. (VOICE) I what? What contest? (VOICE) How much? (VOICE) Five thousand dollars? (VOICE) That's the greatest news I've had in months. Years. Thank you, thank you. When does the check come? (VOICE) Beautiful. See you then. (HANG UP)
MS: Sounds like good news.
GK: Yeah. One of those little slips I filled out at the gas station -- won a prize. Name The Premium Gas Contest.
MS: Oh. What name did you submit?
MS: Oh. Well, congratulations.
GK: Yeah. I just decided we're going to put the door back on the bedroom.
MS: This one?
GK: Yeah. You're gonna want a door on your bedroom.
MS: But that's your bedroom.
GK: It's not. I'm staying in the big bedroom. And you can do your wrapping in your bedroom. Not the kitchen. So get these green goblets off the counter-- (GLASS JIGGLING)
MS: What are you doing?
GK: Here-- take them--
MS: Wait-- careful-- don't-- (BIG GLASS BREAKAGE) --
GK: Sorry. I thought you had hold of them.
MS: Those were valuable glasses.
GK: I doubt that very much.
MS: I've been getting ten and fifteen bucks apiece on eBay.
GK: Well, you've got plenty more. And you can forget about aloe shampoo.
GK: Forget about it.
MS: I thought we had a deal.
GK: Beat it.
MS: Why? What's wrong? What did I do?
GK: Take your stuff. Go. Beat it.
MS: What's wrong? Did I say something? Was I too assertive? If there's a problem, just say so. Tell me. We're grownups. We can negotiate differences. We can set boundaries. Be reasonable.
GK: I can't take the finger tapping. The humming.
MS: Hey, I'm human.
GK: Go be human someplace else.
MS: I just got moved in.
GK: You can get moved out.
MS: What's the problem?
GK: You're pushy.
MS: That's the problem? Pushy??
GK: You come in and take over.
MS: So push back. Stand up for yourself. Where's the assertiveness? Huh? I can't stand up for you, you gotta do it for yourself.
GK: And you have bad taste in movies.
MS: You're running me out because you don't like my movies????
GK: Right. (PHONE RING)
MS: I'll get that.
GK: No, you won't. (THEY STRUGGLE)
MS: Celebrity Bus Tours!!!!
GK: It's out of business! (THEY STRUGGLE)
MS: You know something??? You're a terrible roommate!
GK: Get out of here!
MS: Let go of me and I will!
GK: You want to see assertiveness-- here-- (BAM)
MS: Why you-- (KRRRACK, POW)
GK: I'll show you pushy-- (BIG CRASH OF GLASS)
MS: Atta boy, You're getting the hang of it-- (POW)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye.