Tim Russell (ANNC): And now -- all-improved CLOSURE, the household adhesive that sticks and keeps sticking, presents -- TURNING TOWARD THE LIGHT.
(SOAP THEME UP AND UNDER)
Garrison Keillor: Brittany? (KNOCKS) Your reply envelope from Vanderbilt came today. I think you should open it.
Sue Scott (TEEN): Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God... oh my God--Do you think I got in? I mean, I probably got in, right? I have a 4.0.
GK: Here's the envelope. (SFX) Open it, Brittany. Your Mother and I are extremely excited.
SS (TEEN): This is kind of a big envelope. But I suppose they're telling me like, what dorm I'm in, and who my roommates are-and the big financial aid package they're probably going to offer me.
GK: Just open the envelope, Brittany.
SS (TEEN): Where is mom, anyway?
GK: She had to go for a drive. The suspense was making her sick.
SS (TEEN): Ok, I'm going to open it--I'm opening it now.
GK: I can't stand the tension-the feverish anticipation--
(SS MURMURS, READING)
SS (TEEN): Oh my gosh. Oh-oh my gosh.
GK: What does it say? Come on now, read it out loud-
SS: It says-I've been turned down! (SOBS)
GK: Really? Let me see that.
SS (TEEN): They don't want me at Vanderbilt. Oh my Gosh, what am I going to do? I didn't even apply anywhere else! And now it's too late--
GK: There has to be a mistake. Let me read this-
SS (TEEN): I was so sure-how could I have been so wrong?!? (SOBS)
GK: This is odd. "Dear Brittany Anderson: Nice try. We all got a good laugh out of your admission essay. I know a Vanderbilt admissions officer shouldn't use this word, but you suck. Your application was the suckfest that sucked all the air out of the room and created a vacuum.
GK: That's strange. I don't remember these letters being so harsh--
SS (TEEN): Just throw it away, Dad. Time for plan B.
GK: Plan B?
Fred Newman: Hi Mr. Anderson.
GK: Who is this man in your room? This man with the tattoos on his neck and shoulders?
SS (TEEN): This is Whitey, Dad.
GK: Who are you--What are you--
FN: I'm with the carnival. And I'm in love with your daughter.
GK: What? Brittany --
SS (TEEN): We're sort of in love.
GK: Sort of in love? What does that mean?
SS (TEEN): Whitey was going to wait for me while I went to college-but now I guess we can celebrate our love every day.
GK: Where did you even meet this clown --
FN: I'm not a clown, sir. I'm a fire-eater. Big difference.
GK: I won't have my only daughter run off with some freak from the circus.
FN: Not a freak either. Whole different skill set.
SS (TEEN): Look at my costume, dad.
GK: A purple leotard with rhinestones? You're going to wear that in public!?!
SS (TEEN): I'm a fire-eater now, dad.
SS (OFF): Look dad. It's easy. You just get a mouthful of gasoline, and (LIGHT, WHOOSH, SUDDEN STOP).
GK: Brittany, no! You do not put gasoline in your mouth-
SS (TEEN): What? I'm fine!
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
TR (DEEP): Hello, Brittany. I'm Bob Dingleberry. From the TV reality show, Snake Pit.
GK: How did you people get in here? Do we have tunnels under our house?
TR (DEEP): Brittany, I work on a reality show called Snake Pit.
SS (TEEN): Oh my gosh, Snake Pit! I love that show!
TR (DEEP): We're willing to pay you $100,000 to let cottonmouths and tarantulas and fire ants run roughshod over your semi-clothed body-
SS (TEEN): Wow. I can earn that kind of money?
GK: Now hold on just one second, Mr. Dingleberry--Brittany's going to college to study English--she's just suffering a temporary setback here--
TR (DEEP): Mr. Anderson, Brittany is at the peak of her earning potential in reality TV. After "Snake Pit" she can go on and star in "Food Fight" and "Total Jerkwad" and other shows on the Dingleberry Network.
SS (TEEN): Wow this is like, so awesome. Oh my gosh.
GK: You're letting a single disappointment ruin your life, Brittany. It doesn't have to! You can have more than this.
SS (TEEN): I've made my decision, dad. I'm going to follow my heart and take off most of my costume and be on TV. With snakes.
GK: It just seems so impulsive.
SS (TEEN): It's my life, dad. Let's face it, I'm not going to be an English major like you.
GK: Don't say that, Brittany. It breaks my heart.
SS (TEEN): I'm not like you and mom. I'm 18.
TR (DEEP): Sign this contract Brittany. We can start tomorrow.
GK: Don't sign it, Brittany. Please.
SS (TEEN): What's all this small print?
FN: Don't worry Mr. Anderson. We've already got a place to live. A two-person tent in the weeds at the edge of town.
SS: There! And now my fate is sealed!
GK: Oh, Brittany! What have you done!?
SS (TEEN): It's my life and if I want to eat fire and let snakes roam all over my body in front of a national audience, then there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing at all-
TR (ANNC): TURNING TOWARD THE LIGHT was brought to you by CLOSURE, the household adhesive that sticks and keeps sticking-and by the Professional Organization of English Majors, who urge you to get professional help with your college admissions essay. Help from a trained English professional. It's worth it. Believe us.