Garrison Keillor: Spring is here, and the plants blooming-cherry blossoms (POP), lilacs (POP POP), magnolia (POP POP POP) dogwood (BARKS)-tulips (POP), daffodils (POP)--all of them letting off this intoxicating fragrance (PFFFFT FN WOOZY)-which is dangerous for drivers (SCREECH, CRASH), or even people out for a walk with their dogwood (DOG) and the smell of lilacs works its magical spell (SAX) and the two of them end up in show business (TAP DANCE DOG BARKS) working VFW's and cocktail lounges in and around Tuscaloosa.
But let's just enjoy the spring (FLAMINGOS). Open a cold white wine (CORK POPS), get out your banjo (BANJO) and just enjoy yourself.
(BIG BUILD UP TO SNEEZE) Allergies. Take a pill (POP, GULP). But wait. What does it say on the bottle (Fred Newman: WOOZY: Do not take if you have consumed a cold white wine -- may cause -- diarrhea -- confusion -- and extreme gassiness. Call your doctor immediately).
(DIALING SLOWER, CONFUSION) (SLOW BUILD UP TO SNEEZE, BUT BIG GAS EXPLOSION INSTEAD)
FN: I better get myself to a biffy, but where is it?
(SLOW BUILD UP TO BIG GAS EXPLOSION).
FN: Maybe it's this way. (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Look out for that skate (CRY OF ALARM, SKATING). You step on a skate and it's stuck to your shoe and suddenly you're going down a hill too fast to stop. And there's a woman pushing the baby stroller (CRAZY SKATING... FN: Look Out!! WHOMP) and now you have a baby in your arms (BABY CRYING). Congratulations!! Look out!! (TRUCK HORN PASSING). And you're going faster (SKATING) down the hill toward the (TRAIN WHISTLE) Oh NO!! (SKATING. BABY CRYING) You're heading straight for the crossing (TRAIN OFF) and the semaphore is going down (SEMAPHORE BELLS) and you skate under them and across the tracks and a second later (TRAIN PASSES) -- you're safe (BABY GURGLES). Except remember on the bottle it said diarrhea? (SNIFFS). That's you. (UH OH) This baby has never smelled anything that bad (BABY DISGUST) and here comes the baby's mother (FOOTSTEPS FN LADY: You degenerate! SNIFFS You disgusting degenerate!! Come, Frederic. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
So you creep home, taking the back way past the chicken coop (CHICKENS) and a dog comes out to greet you (BARKS) and a man sits on his porch and listens to the baseball game on the radio (RADIO BASEBALL). A block away, someone is mowing the lawn for the first time this season (DISTANT MOWING). You arrive at your home, smelling like a cesspool, and you creep toward the back door and (SCREEN DOOR OPEN. FN LADY: Honey? We've got company. Your boss just dropped in. What's wrong? How come your pants are drooping down like that?) (THEME)
Wouldn't this be a good time for a piece of rhubarb pie?