Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist. (PLATES, SCRAPING OF SPOON. TR MUTTERING)
Sue Scott: Here. Have some more green bean casserole with melted mozzarella, Bob. There's plenty more. And cornbread. And then banana cream pie a la mode for dessert.
Garrison Keillor: I'm stuffed, Berniece. I couldn't possibly.
SS: You've got to eat when it's cold out, Bob.
GK: I'm trying to cut down on the cream-based foods for a while.
SS: But that's all we have, Bob. What will you eat?
TR (POPS): Hand me his green bean salad casserole. Rex and me'll finish it up, won't we, boy. (DOG COLLAR JINGLE, LEG THUMP, PANTING) Here you go, boy. (SNARFING)
GK: Oh for disgusting--
SS: I was going to save that for lunch tomorrow. I had the baggies all laid out.
TR (POPS): Too late, Berniece. (PANTING, SLURP) Rex sure loves his melted cheese.
GK: Would you mind--?
TR (POPS): There's an idea -- Puppy Chow with Cheese.
GK: Can you please try to control him, Berniece? I'm expecting Mr. Fellows to come over. The music director at Third Lutheran.
SS: Oh? Where is Third Lutheran? I never heard of it.
GK: Well, it used to be called First Lutheran, but -- you know -- they're Lutherans. They were more comfortable with being Third.
SS: Oh. That sort of big boxy church that looks like a storage facility.
GK: That's it. Anyway, they've asked me to compose an anthem for Lent.
TR (POPS): Who lent you their clothes?
SS: Lent, Pops. Lent.
TR (POPS): That's what I said-- whoever you lent you those pants did you no favors, that's for sure.
SS: Bob is composing an anthem for the Lutherans!
TR (POPS): What's wrong with the one we got? Huh?
SS: It's for Lent.
TR (POPS): (SINGING W. DOG HOWLING) "O say can you see--by the dogs curly tails--"
GK: Oh for pity sake-- stop that --
SS: When is this Mr. Fellows coming over, Bob?
GK: Any minute, so if you wouldn't mind, Berniece -- could you take the plastic cover off the sofa?
SS: Well, that's my best sofa, Bob--
GK: I know, it just looks so tacky--
SS: It looks beautiful. I've had that sofa for twenty years and it looks brand-new--!
GK: There he is--could you get Pops and Rex out of here? And the casserole. Please?
TR (POPS): Who are you to talk, Wide Ride? (DOG PANTING, COLLAR JINGLE, LEG THUMPING) Look-- you upset Rex and he took a little tinkle on the carpet--
GK: Oh boy.
TR (POPS): Good thing he didn't poop. -- Whoops. Spoke too soon. (DOORBELL)
SS: Now Pops, take Rex outside. Let me get some paper towels...(FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
TR (POPS): How long have you been wearing those expandable trousers, Bob?
GK: Would you take the dog and remove yourself?
TR (POPS): You couldn't write an anthem -- not one that anybody's care to sing. That's for sure.
SS: Pops, Bob is an artist. Let's have a little respect. (DOORBELL, MORE URGENT)
TR (POPS): Artist, my aunt Fanny.
GK: I have a guest at the door-- could you please all just go someplace else? Please?
SS: Hush, Pops. Let me finish picking up this dog doo.
GK: Berniece! Please--
TR (POPS): Think you're too good for us, do you? Well, I'll show you a thing or two.
GK: Get the dog out of here. (WOOFING). Beat it, Rex. (GROWLING, SNAPPING) (DOORBELL) Why can't I have guests over with a little privacy, for crying out loud?
SS: I'll go open the door-- (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: Berniece! No! (DOOR OPEN)
TR: Where you going?
SS: Hello-- you must be Mr. Jell-O.
Vern Sutton: Hello. Actually the name is Fellows.
SS: Oh. Well, silly me. Come in. This is Pops, and Rex (WOOF). So nice to meet you. You must be Lutheran.
SS: I could tell by your cardigan sweater. I'm Berniece. Would you care for some green bean casserole, Mr. Fellows? It's got melted mozzarella on it.
VS: No, thanks.
SS: How about a banana cream pie a la mode?
SS: Here. Let me cut you a piece. (BIG SPLORTS)
VS: Is Bob home by any chance? I dropped by to talk to him about--
GK: I'm here, crouched under the dining room table, Mr. Fellows.
VS: Oh. -- Hi.
GK: I like to sit down here and think once in awhile.
VS: Oh. Okay.
GK: My studio is this way--
SS: Two scoops of ice cream or three, Mr. Bellow?
VS: What kind is that?
SS: It's Rocky Road.
VS: Maybe one small scoop.
SS: Okay-- (SPLORT) There you go. Bone appetite!
GK: This way-- (FOOTSTEPS) Don't disturb us, Berniece. Thank you. (DOOR CLOSE) There. Sorry about the chaos out there. A couple of relatives. They dropped in unexpectedly and I don't know when they're planning to leave. Here-- have a seat.
VS: Thanks-- Bob, I was trying to call you--
GK: This is where I do all of my composing. Other people do it on computers. I don't. I just feel that you lose that tactile connection with the music that you get with a pencil on paper, you know?
VS: Right -- Bob, it's about the--
GK: I finished the first draft this morning--and I know you need it for choir practice Wednesday night-- but I work very fast when I get close to deadline. I'm like a whirling dervish.
VS: Bob-- I wanted to explain that--
GK: Just sit down at the piano and have a look and tell me what you think.
VS: Okay. -- (HE SINGS, READING THE SCORE FOR THE FIRST TIME)
It is Lent
According to the New Testament,
An event that is meant
As a time to repent.
And as a time to sacrifice,
Like instead of sirloin steak you could eat brown rice.
To embrace poverty in a land of plenty--
Like instead of a venti
You could have a grande latte, and instead of whole
milk, you could ask for two percent.
GK: There's more on page two.
VS: I see that.
GK: Is it okay?
VS: It's fine, Bob. It's just that-- we won't be singing it this week.
VS: No, I've quit as music director of Third Lutheran, Bob, and I've gone over to United Unitarian.
VS: I lost my faith. Last week. I read that book -- "The Luther File"?
GK: The new Dan Brown book?
GK: But it's a novel.
VS: I don't know. He did a lot of research for it. And it shows that the chorales of Johann Sebastian Bach are actually a code version of an old Masonic document that tells the location of the Holy Casserole Dish from the Last Supper -- and it has a piece of masking tape with Mary Magdalene's initials on it -- M.M.C. --
VS: She took his last name when she married him. Mary M. Christ.
GK: So you left the Lutherans on account of that?
VS: And the Unitarians offered me more money. Because I can play show tunes as well as hymns.
GK: Who's taking over at Third Lutheran?
VS: Janis Rice.
VS: Pretty traditional. She's from St. Olaf, you know.
GK: So she won't be using my anthem--
VS: I told her you were writing one and she took two fingers and stuck them down her throat.
GK: I see.
VS: I don't think she meant it in a cruel way --
GK: No, I'm sure not. Do the Unitarians need a Lenten anthem?
VS: Unitarians don't do Lent, Bob.
VS: They figured since they don't do Easter, they shouldn't do Lent. They do spring equinox instead.
GK: Oh. I could write an anthem for that--
VS: Already got one. (HE SINGS) "Spring and the world is new/It's springtime for U and U./ Tree and flower, fruit and lentil/ Springtime breezes, soft and gentle/Let us all be transcendental/And give praise to you know who."
GK: So I won't get paid for this probably--
VS: I don't think so.
GK: That's too bad. Not that I need the money. I was looking forward to hearing it, that's all. Oh well.
GK: What? No, I don't want your money.
VS: It's just twenty bucks.
GK: No, you shouldn't do that. Put that away.
VS: Please. Take it. I feel bad.
GK: No, I can't take that--
VS: Okay. How about ten dollars?
GK: Well, if you insist.
GK: Okay. Thanks. You want a copy of the --
VS: No, you keep it. Well-- see you around.
GK: Yeah. See you. (THEME)
TR (ANNC): The story of Bob, a young... was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)