Why do we call it politics?
Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites.
Phillip Morris said today that the tobacco settlement is costing so much money that they may have to lay off two Republican senators.
They finally drafted a Constitution for Iraq. We should've given them ours. We're not using it anymore.
Nancy Pelosi is the Speaker of the House. That's the farthest anyone who wears a dress has gotten since J. Edgar Hoover.
Nanci Pelosi was visiting Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for her to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message.
Thousands of people are expected for the 15th annual Burning Man festival this year in Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada. This is the big hippie festival, where people run around naked, drink and get stoned, or as George W. Bush might think of it, get ready to run for president.
Why do republicans wear earmuffs? To avoid the draft.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
The real reason you can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of politicians-- It creates a hostile work environment.
Why, when I was your age, we never thought of doing the things you girls do today. That's why you didn't do them.
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don't mind him reading lips, but he uses a yellow highlighter.
A blonde went in the store to buy pink curtains for her computer monitor. The salesman said, "But computers don't need curtains!" She said, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
There was a computer and printer repair shop that found that they made more money on repairs if they encouraged their customers to try reading the manual and fixing the problems themselves first.
There was once a young man who wanted to become a great writer and to write stuff that millions of people would read and react to on an emotional level, cry, howl in pain and anger, so now he works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
There on my computer are the two buttons representing the things I can never have: Control and Escape.
I'm having a problem with my computer. When I type in my password, all it shows are those little stars.
Right. Little asterisks. That's for your protection. So if someone were standing behind you, they couldn't see what your password is.
Okay, but they show up even when nobody is standing behind me.
The blond got a present from her boyfriend, a cellphone, and the next day, while she was shopping, the phone rang and it was him. He said, "How do you like your new cellphone?" She said, "I just love it, it fits in my purse, and your voice is so clear. But how did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
Two men took the test to qualify for a job and both men answered nine out of ten questions correctly, but they gave the job to the first man: he answered Question No. 10 "I don't know" and the other man answered it, "Neither do I."
I needed some time off from work so I decided to act crazy. I hung upside down from the ceiling and when the boss asked me what I was doing, I said, "I'm a light bulb." "You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off." I left and my officemate followed me. The boss asked where she was going. She said, "I can't work in the dark." -- Did I mention she was blonde?
James Brown went to the pearly gates and met St. Peter who took him to a room where Jerry Garcia was playing and Jimi Hendricks and Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin. James Brown, "I was worried maybe I was going to Hell, but I guess not." Jerry Garcia says " You think this is Heaven?" Just then Lawrence Welk walked in and says " All right, One more time. "The Anniversary Waltz. '' A 1 & a 2, & a 1,2...
Saddam Hussein tells his jailer that he wants to write his memoirs, and he needs a stenographer. The jailer returns with a laptop computer. Saddam says, "I cannot write my own memoirs! I AM A DICTATOR!!"
The great Bronco Nagurski retired from the NFL and went back to International Falls and opened up a gas station and everyone in the Falls went there for gas because when Bronco put on your gas cap, only Bronco could unscrew your gas cap.
Why can't Dick Cheney play hockey?
You know he'd blow the face off.
For years, Democrats have been shooting themselves in the foot. Dick Cheney taught them a lesson: aim higher.
I'm tired of hearing critics say that Democrats don't stand for anything. That's really unfair. They DO stand for anything.
Last fall, the Center for Disease Control issued a warning about a new form of Gonnorhea called Gonorrhea Lectim.
Some people say that Millard Fillmore was the worst president of all time?
TR (BUSH): Well, hang on. I'm not done yet.
Other people say President Garfield.
TR (BUSH): They elected Garfield president?
Not the cat. A man. Long time ago.
TR (BUSH): Oh. Okay. President Nixon and I had some stuff in common. He had a dog named Checkers, and I play checkers with my dog. And then there's President Lincoln--
You had something in common with Abraham Lincoln? TR (BUSH): My IQ is four score and seven
President Bush's State of the Union speech got higher ratings than American Idol. Millions of people tuned in thinking they could vote him off.
In his State of the Union address President Bush said the economy is on the move . It's moving to India.
Thirty-three percent of the American people think he's doing a good job. The same 33% who think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church.
That's what happens when you mix the New Testament with the Old Milwaukee.
The states of Texas and Louisiana have decided to build an airport on the border they share. They wanted to honor Tom Delay of Texas and Huey Long of Louisiana, so they're calling it Long Delay International Airport.
What's the difference between "Congress" and the "Library of Congress"? n the Library of Congress you can't mess with the pages.
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic?
He always thought he was following someone.
I bought these new boots. They are made from possum and deer hide and they feel great when I wear them. There is just one problem. When I see headlights in the dark I get this uncontrollable urge to run into the middle of the road and just stand there
An angel is talking to God. The angel says, "Look, God. I know that you're all-seeing and all-knowing, but for the knock-knock joke to work, you HAVE to say 'Who's there?'"
The teacher asked the little Mexican kid to make up a sentence with the colors green, yellow, and pink in it. He said "The telephone went green, green. I pinked it up and said yellow."
The minister raises his hands and says: "we are but dust..." The little girl turns to her mother and says, "mother, what is butt dust?"
If you don't go to other people's funerals, then they won't come to yours.
Bill Gates died and went to heaven and was given a little cottage in the woods and next door was a mansion on a hill with a golf course and tennis courts, and there lived the captain of the Titanic. "Why does he deserve better?" Bill said to God. "Because the Titanic only crashed once."
What is the Iraqi national bird?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you hear them talk.
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but when they ask where the bathroom is, they don't point to their pants?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?"
My driver's license photo doesn't do me justice.
You don't need justice, you need mercy.
My only sin is vanity. I look in the mirror each morning and think how beautiful I am.
That's not a sin--that's a mistake.
I'm desperate. I haven't written anything in months. Months.
That's because your standards are improving.
Do you have any pornographic literature?
I don't even have a pornograph!
So the Zen master said to the hot dog vendor, "Make me one with everything." So, the hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen master. And the hot dog vendor says, "Change must come from within."
Before they invented golf balls, how did they measure hail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet.
How many METHODISTS does it take to change a light bulb?
Whether your light is bright or not, you are loved -- you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday.
How many JEWISH RENEWAL RABBIS does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light Bulb." And one to lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
SS. Darkness is an Intelligent Design.
How many Production Assistants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the light bulb, and two to wish they had been asked instead.
How many Apple Employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want it to change to.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really one.
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE?! Did you say "change"?
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
TR (GERMAN): That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. It just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know for sure, they're still counting.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, three; one, two, three."
How many supply side economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two- one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb?
I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
How many Iraqis does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They don't have electricity anyway.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
How many therapists do you think it takes to change a light bulb?
How many liberal arts professors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Interesting question. I just wonder if what we think of as a "darkness" is actually the absence of light, or a state of being, -- a -ness -- such that the lack of a lightbulb -- a thing -- creates its counterpart -- this thing we call "darkness."
How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows, because no one watches the director!
How many TV reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
More at 11...
How many HMO Administrators does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Before they commit to a new light bulb, they suggest you try doing more things during daytime hours.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't want to offend the lightbulb for not working.
How many zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the zen master is the light bulb.
How many mediators does it take to change a light bulb?
So what I hear you saying is that you want more light.
Third Grade Jokes
Why did ancient Romans close down the Coliseum?
The lions were eating up the prophets.
Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?
Depends on how fast you carry the flashlight.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other and one said, "I hope it doesn't rain today. I just hate it when the children play inside."
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Wow, that's a cool-looking cow!
"It's a Jersey."
Is it? I thought that was its skin.
Hey do you know the capital of Alaska?
Ya, but I asked you.
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
What's green, leafy and sings the blues?
Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn? A few months later she gave birth to a litter of mittens.
Why don't they allow elephants on the beach? Because their trunks keep falling down.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why did the mouse run under the beer truck? Because he wanted to get smashed.
Why did the man with one arm cross the road? To get to the Second-Hand store!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
What did one fly say to the other fly?
Hey, fly, your dude is open.
Why did the dolphin kill himself?
His life had no porpoise.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a rabbit?
I was asking what the difference was between mime and pantomime and no one would say.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
What do you call a woodpecker without a bill?
Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkled?
Because if he was small, white and round, he'd be an aspirin.
So these four rabbis were arguing theology together, and it was three against one, so the odd rabbi out cried to heaven:
"O, God! I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Send a sign to prove it to them!"
Suddenly there was a big black storm cloud in the sky above the four rabbis. The dissenting rabbi said, "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three said that one storm cloud meant nothing.
So the rabbi prayed for a bigger sign. This time four storm clouds and a bolt of lightning.
"SEE?" cried the rabbi, but the other rabbis said, "So? Eh? Lightning schmightning." Just then the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep voice said, "HEEEE'S RIIIIGHT!!"
The rabbi said, "Well?"
"So?" said the other rabbis, "Now it's three to two."
A Unitarian meeting may seem strange to outsiders. Everybody sings "Praise Be to Whom It May Concern" and then somebody speaks and nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees. And if you disagree, then you'll fit right in.
A young Unitarian was visiting a Christian church when the pastor asked if she was saved. She said, "In my church, we try not to get lost."
A Unitarian is just a Quaker with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Why is a Unitarian Universalist congregation like granola? When you take away all the fruits and all the nuts, all you have left are flakes!
A group of school children were trying to decide whether the pet rabbit was a boy or a girl. The Unitarian child said, "Let's take a vote on it."
A Catholic church, a synagogue and a Unitarian society all caught fire. Before the fire trucks got there, the priest dashed in and saved the consecrated Host, the rabbi dashed in to save the Torah scrolls, and the Rev. Nancy Smith dashed in to save the coffeemaker and the photocopier.
Q: Why did the Unitarian cross the road?
A: To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
The children in the Unitarian church school were drawing pictures. One girl said, "I'm going to draw a picture of God." The teacher said, "But nobody knows what God looks like. "They will when I get done with my picture."
A woman went into a fabric store and asked the clerk for nine yards of material to make a nightgown. The clerk said, "Nine yards is way too much material for a nightgown." The woman said, "I know, but my husband is Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."
The young minister was asked by a funeral director to conduct a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, at a cemetery way back in the country. The minister got lost and finally saw the backhoe in the field and the grave diggers but no hearse in sight, and he dashed over to the grave where he saw the vault lid was already in place and he opened up his Bible and he preached about God's mercy and the parable of the Prodigal Son and the hope of the Resurrection, and then he bowed his head in prayer. And one of the workers said, "I ain't never seen anything like this before . . . and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"
Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean -- the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
So the three skunks went to church. The priest made them sit in their own pew.
An old man was dying. He sent for his accountant and his lawyer to come and sit by his bed as he died. Jesus had died between two thieves, and that's how he wanted to go, too.
There was a pastor who used to be a dairy farmer? Before he heard the call, he used to call the herd.
Why was there only bread and wine at The Last Supper???
It was a potluck and only men were invited.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be uneasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is used for washing our hair." The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying, "Here, don't forget the curlers."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi challenged each other to a preaching contest. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and try to convert it. Two days later, they got together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery said, "Well, I read to him from the Catechism and then I sprinkled him with holy water and Holy Mary Mother of God he was gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob said, " Well I read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! And I took HOLD of him and wrestled him down to the creek. And I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED him and he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was in a body cast. The rabbi said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Abe and his friend Sol are out for a walk. They pass a Catholic church with a sign out front that reads "$1,000 to Anyone Who Converts." Sol decides to go inside and see what it's all about. Abe waits outside. Hours go by. Finally, Sol emerges. "So?" says Abe. "What happened?" "I converted," says Sol. "No kidding!" says Abe. "Did you get the thousand bucks?" Sol says, "Is that all you people think about?"
Jesus was walking through the streets when he noticed a crowd of people throwing stones at an adulteress. Jesus said, "Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a rock flew through the air. Jesus turned and said, "Mom?"
A MAN WALKED INTO A BAR
A drunk walked into a bar and saw a woman sitting there and he walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him. He said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." She said, "You worthless idiot, you no good drunk!" He said, "And you sound like her, too."
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Make you a bet. If I win, I get a free drink. Can you spell a word with ten letters that starts with GAS?" The bartender thinks about it, and says no. The guy says, "AUTOMOBILE!"
A guy and his pet newt walk into a bar. He tells the bartender, "This is my pet. His name is Tiny." The bartender says, "Why'd you name him Tiny?" "Because he's my newt!"
George Bush walked into a bar. He had heard there was enriched uranium there and coathangers designed to set off nuclear bombs.
A guys walks into a bar, and there's a seal sitting at the far end of the room. The seal says to the man, "I like the way you smell. You've got a great haircut. Your jacket looks great on you. Nice tan." The man says to the bartender, "Who is he?" The bartender says, "That's the Seal of Approval."
A young man from Texas walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies "Ya got any ID"? The Texan says, "An idee about what"?
A Frenchman walks into a bar. There's a parrot wearing a tuxedo perched on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Wow, that's cute. Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "In France. They've got millions of guys like this over there."
A man with a compulsive winking problem applies for a job as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his application and says, "You're the best qualified candidate but I'm afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers." The man says, "But wait! If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" He reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we don't want our employees womanizing all over --what about those condoms?" "Oh, that. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
There once was a butterfly who fell in love with a bumble bee. Said the bumble bee to the butterfly, "Will thou marry me?" "Nay, nay" said the butterfly. "for I am the daughter of a monarch, and you are just a son of a bee."
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One was the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
A man has a son that was just born without a body, nothing but his head. When the head turned 21 his father decided they would go and have some beers. So they go to the local pub and the boy gets his first beer, after drinking just a sip he instantly grows a body, then with another drink he grows a set of arms, growing in excitement he drinks the rest and grows legs and feet. He jumps up and down with elation, he runs out of the bar and directly into the street, he is hit and killed by a semi. The moral of this story is that sometimes you should quit while you're a head.
Have you heard of the new chainsaw, it runs only on a single double A battery, and two cups of salt to run all of its electrical systems. It is charged with a salt and battery.
Q: What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French kitchen?
A: Linoleum Blown-Apart!
A recent newsworthy item stated that there was a murder at the local fish market. A woman killed a gentleman just for the halibut. He was hard of herring, it was later found.
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu: Broiled Missionary $10 - Fried Explorer $15 - Baked Politician $100. The Cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?"
A wild rabbit was caught and taken to a National Institutes of Health laboratory. When he arrived, he was befriended by a rabbit that had been born and raised in the lab. One evening the wild rabbit noticed that his cage hadn't been properly closed and decided to make a break for freedom. He invited the lab rabbit to join him. The lab rabbit was unsure, as he had never been outside the lab, but the wild rabbit finally convinced him to give it a try. Once they were free, the wild rabbit said, "I'll show you the number-three best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of lettuce. After they had eaten their fill, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-two best field," and took the lab rabbit to a field full of carrots. After they had had their fill of carrots, the wild rabbit said, "Now I'll show you the number-one best field," and took the lab rabbit to a warren of female bunnies. It was Heaven-nonstop lovemaking all night long. As dawn was beginning to break, the lab rabbit announced that he would have to be getting back to the lab. "Why?" said the wild rabbit. "I've shown you the number-three best field with the lettuce, the number-two best field with the carrots, and the number-one best field with the ladies. Why do you want to go back to the lab?" The lab rabbit replied, "I can't help it. I'm dying for a cigarette!"
Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.
The statistician lay with his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on the average he felt fine.
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" From across the room came a voice, "He's the Pizza delivery guy."
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
What do you call a doctor who graduated at the bottom of his class? A doctor.
"Doctor," said the patient. "I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me," the doctor replies. "Is that common?" "It's not unusual."
Why did the automechanic go to art school? So he could learn to make a van go.
Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid? He said it was no problem -- he could stop any time.
Why did the urologist lose his license? He got in trouble with his peers.
A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's richest man, a leading CEO. The contributions manager cornered him after a Sunday service. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $50,000,000, you give not a penny to charity Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The CEO mulled this over for a moment & replied, "First, did your research also show that my mom is dying after a long illness, and had medical bills that are several times her annual income? Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbled "Um...no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair? Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her peniless with 3 kids? The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the CEO cut him off, "...So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!!"
An accountant was passing a beggar in the street, and the man said "I have not eaten for three days" The accountant replied "How does that compare with the same period last year"?
A man calls a law office and hears "Weinstein, Weinstein, Weinstein, Weinstein attorneys. May I help you? He says, "Yes, may I speak to Mr. Weinstein." He is told, "I'm sorry Mr. Weinstein passed away two years ago." He says, "Well, then can I speak to Mr. Weinstein." The voice on the phone replies, "I am so sorry, Mr Weinstein retired last year." Frustrated he asks, "Then, can I speak to M.r Weinstein?!" He hears the reply, "I am sorry, Mr. Weinstein is in court today". Finally, in total frustration he asks, "May I speak to Mr. Weinstein". The voice on the other end of the phone replies, "Speaking"
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door! and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said. "Your house."
Salesman: Ma'am, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half. Customer: Terrific! Give me two of them."
Ole and Lena Jokes
Ole and Svend rented a boat to go fishing and all they got was one little sunfish. Svend said, "Ole, I reckon this fish cost us a hundred dollars." Ole said,"Well it's a good thing we didn't catch any more."
Why did Ole sell his water skis?
He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Nurse: Do you want the urinal, Ole?
Ole: No--I yust finished reading da Tribune.
Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Phoenix. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!" They go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?" "Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime-wine, liquor, beer, all the same." "Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're seniors from Minnesota. They're waiting for happy hour."
The Lewis family owned a small farm in Canada, a stone's throw from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. One day, Mrs. Lewis's son came into the kitchen, holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?" "Hmmmm," his mother said. "Tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!"
There is one big advantage in turning 70. You don't get a lot of calls from life insurance salesmen.
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car Has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to The dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake Pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, Ma'am, an officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got into the back-seat by mistake."
How is a singles bar different from the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Finnegan's wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning him about the incident. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said Finnegan.
A man's wife was in labor with their first child and suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't wouldn't, didn't, can't!!" She was having contractions.
A married couple in their late 90's went to a divorce lawyer after seventy years of marriage. They had never got along but they wanted to wait until the children were dead.
A man was swatting flies and he killed five of them, two males and three females. Two were on a beer can and three were on the phone.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates." About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, Ben received a response from his mother that read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
Old Guy Jokes
My wife says I spend too much money on beer and liquor, and I tell her that the more I spend on beer and liquor, the better she looks to me, and more she can save on makeup and hairstyle.
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough. "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was placed under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year. He could, however, save up credits, so if he did not speak at all in one year, he could speak two words the following year. One day he met a beautiful princess and fell madly in love. He decided to refrain from speaking for two year so that he could look at her and say, "My darling." At the end of the two years, however, he wanted to also tell her he loved her, so he decided to wait three more years, for a total of five years of silence. At the end of the five years, though, he knew he had to ask her to marry him, so he needed to wait still another four years. Finally, as his ninth year of silence ended, he was understandably overjoyed. He led the princess to the most romantic part of the royal garden, knelt before her, and said, "My darling, I love you. Will you marry me?" The princess replied, "Pardon?"
A car was driving down the street when suddenly it started swerving. The car was going back and forth until someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, and then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, and then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escaped from prison. The cops were chasing them when they stopped at a dock. On the dock were 3 gunnysacks. The redhead said they should get in them to hide, and they did. A cop kicked the one with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff, ruff, ruff!" The cop says, "It's only a dog." Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she said, "Meow, meow, meow!" The cop said, "It's only a cat." Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes!"
One day, a blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. Five minutes later, she checked it again. This happened all through the day until the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was: "My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
Once there was a blonde cowboy walking naked down the Main Street of Dodge. The sheriff said, "What happened, Blonde Cowboy?" The blonde cowboy said, "Well, I was with this cheap floozy and she took off her clothes and I took off my clothes and she said, "Now go to town cowboy... " So here I am.
How do you make Paris Hilton laugh on Saturday?--Tell her a joke on Wednesday
What did Paris Hilton say when someone blew in her bra?
Thanks for the refill
What were the worst ten years of Paris Hilton's life?
How did Paris Hilton try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff
Paris Hilton took her Jaguar to the garage because it was running rough. The mechanic looked under the hood and then he said, "Just crap in the carburetor." Paris said, "How often do I have to do that?"
What do you see when you look into Paris Hilton's eyes?
The inside of the back of her head.
Why did Paris Hilton cross the road?
I don't know.
Neither does she.
Why did Paris Hilton climb over the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
Paris Hilton is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. Somebody asked, "Where did you get that?" The pig says "I won her in a raffle!"
Paris Hilton orders a pizza and the clerk asks if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. Paris said, "Six. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Did you hear that a piece of gum once chewed by Jessica Simpson is up for bid on eBay? Now that she doesn't have anything to chew, she will be able to walk again.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her nineties and had never been married, a sweet old lady, so the pastor was surprised to see, sitting on the keyboard, a condom. He said, "Miss Beatrice, tell me about this." She said, "I found it on the ground when I was walking through the park and it says it prevents the spread of disease, and do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
A carpenter fell off the scaffolding at the building site and he was killed. One of the guys on the crew volunteered to go tell the carpenter's wife. He came back two hours later with a six-pack of beer. "Got it from his wife," he said. "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?' She said, 'no, no, I'm not a widow!' I said: 'I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey". Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
What did the Earth say after the Earth quake? --Sorry, my fault.
How can a woman rid her apartment of cockroaches? --Ask them for a commitment.
A thief got away with four van Gogh paintings in the Paris van Gogh museum. Gendarmes caught him in two blocks, astonished that his van had merely run out of gas.
"The thief explained: "I didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh."
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
What do you do when you see a space man?
You park in it, man.
My best friend became addicted to line dancing. It got so bad he had to enter a two step program.
Why didn't the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish!
There are three guys in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse comes out to the first and says, "Congratulations, you are the father of twins." He says, "What a coincidence. I work for Twin City Federal." A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second father: "You are the proud father of triplets." "What a coincidence!" says the father. "I work for AAA." Hearing that, the third expectant father runs out of the waiting room. "Sir, where are you going?" calls out the nurse. He yells over his shoulder, "I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!"
Have you heard about the new existentialist breakfast cereal?
It's called Raisins D'etre.
A B-flat, a D-flat, and an F walk into a bar. The bartender says to them, "I'm sorry we don't serve minors here"... So the D-flat leaves and the B-flat and the F have an open fifth between them.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Jewish mother sent a telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow--
An elderly Jewish man was brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Are you comfortable?" He replies, "I make a nice living..."
Chinese civilization goes back 4000 years and Jewish civilization goes back 5000 years. So what did those people eat for a thousand years?
Why do Irishmen like deep sea diving? Because deep down, they are quite intelligent
John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man unrinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said, "Gross!" The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He immediately fixes the toilets in hell so they flush properly. Then he gives hell computers and TV's. God is horrified by the growing comfort level in hell and says to Satan "if you don't reduce the comfort levels and get rid of that engineer I'll sue!" to which Satan says "uh huh and just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
A man dies and goes to hell. He wakes up in a cheap little motel room. After looking around for a little bit, he discovers that it's not so bad. It has clean sheets, a decent shower, and basic cable. When he goes outside, he sees that Satan is outside in a golf cart. He says "Oh, you're the new guy. I'm here to give you the tour." So Satan drives him around hell showing him all the sights, a pool, a family style Italian restaurant. The guy says "Hey, this isn't so bad." And Satan says "Yeah, we like it here. Heaven is better though, they've got premium cable, fancy restaurants, and a private lagoon, but we like it here." Then the golf cart turns the corner and the guy sees a flaming pit of naked souls in agony under an apocalyptic sky. "What is that!?" he asks. "Oh, that's for the Catholics," says Satan, "they insisted on it."
A man dies and finds himself in a small room furnished with a couch and a TV; there's another guy sitting on the couch watching the TV. "So...is this heaven or hell?"the newly deceased asks the man on the couch. "Well...there are no windows or doors and no apparent way out", the man answers. "So this is hell?" the newcomer responds. "I don't know", says the other guy without looking up, "They did give us this big screen TV!" "So maybe this is heaven?" the guy replies. "Maybe, but the TV only gets one channel" "Okay, so...maybe this IS hell?" "I'm not sure...the only station the TV gets is PBS" "So maybe this is heaven after all!" the newcomer exclaims." Yeah...except for one thing", the other guy retorts, "It's always pledge week."
The old man died while he was making love with his old wife. They made love every Sunday morning to the rhythm of the church bells, nice and slow, and then that ice cream truck came along.
Painter: How am I selling?
Gallery owner: Well, there's good news and bad news. A man came in and asked me if you were a painter whose work would become more valuable after your death. When I told him I thought you were, he bought everything you had in the gallery.
Painter: Wow! That's terrific! What's the bad news?
Gallery owner: He was your doctor.
Once there was a rich man who wanted badly to take some of his fortune with him when he died. He prayed and finally God said, "Okay, you can bring some." So he found a large suitcase and packed it with gold bars, and soon afterward he died and showed up at the pearly gates. St. Peter said, "Hey, you can't bring that in here!" The man explained that God had allowed him one carry-on and St. Peter opened the suitcase and said, "You brought pavement?"
A cop sees two kids parked in a car late Saturday night on the edge of town and he walks over with his flashlight and shines it in the window. The boy is listening to the radio and the girl is knitting a scarf. The cop says, "What are you doing here?" "Just listening to music and she's knitting." "How old are you?" The boy says, "I'm 22." The cop says, "And is she 18?" The boy says, "She will be in about fifteen minutes."
A wagon train got lost crossing the Plains and they're low on food and they see an old Norwegian sitting under a tree. They stop and ask him, "Is there food around here?" He says, "Well, I don't know, but I tell you, I wouldn't go that way -- there's a big bacon tree over that hill." "A bacon tree?" "Yeah, so I wouldn't go that way."
The wagon train talked about it and a bacon tree sounded good to them so they went over the hill and over the next hill and a thousand Indians were waiting for them and attacked them from all sides and took them prisoner except for the leader who went crawling back to the old Norwegian and said, "There was no bacon tree there, just a mob of Indians who took everybody captive."
The Norwegian said, Vait a minute. He picked up his Norwegian-English dictionary and looked through it, and then said, "Oh, it wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ham bush."