Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by Pile Driver Laundry Compactor.

Tim Russell: If you have a problem with dirty laundry strewn on floors and furniture in your home, let Pile Driver help. (HUM OF VACUUM) Simply run Pile Driver across the floor and see it's powerful vacuum (VACUUMING OF LARGE CHUNKS OF SOILED FABRIC) suck up even jeans and coveralls -- wet towels (SFX) -- soiled bedsheets (SFX), blankets and quilts (SFX) -- when the kids come home from basketball and the floor is littered with dirty sweat suits, no problem with Pile Driver (SFX) -- and then Pile Driver's compactor swings into action (MOTOR) and reduces the entire load of laundry to the size of a brick (KONK). Leaving laundry on the floor can be hazardous. A teenager might trip on dirty clothes and hit her head (BONK) and suffer momentary confusion (SS TEEN DISORIENTATION) that will result in her going online and charging thousands of dollars to a credit card for things she doesn't need (SS TEEN CONFUSION). Dirty laundry on floors may fester and lead to disease, such as beri-beri, malaria, and sleeping sickness. (SNORING).

GK: Get Pile Driver instead. It reduces huge piles of laundry to the size of a brick...

TR: Throw it into your washer (SPLASH, AGITATOR) and then in the dryer (DRYER) and it fluffs right up (POOF) to normal. The Pile Driver. Also handy when you're packing your suitcase. (MOTOR) No more checked luggage. Carry everything you need in an attache case. Pile Driver. We turn a mountain into a mole hill. (SOTTO VOCE) Some shrinkage may occur.

GK: Pile Driver Laundry Compactor. Wherever fine appliances are sold.