Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP AND OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was Thanksgiving and I went over to my sister Georgina's for the big day and sat through a long football game....
TR: (TV AUDIO): Pepperdine down by 14 as we go into the third quarter. That's got to be a big disappointment for the fans, Chuck.
Fred Newman (TV): Well, it is, but you know -- you can't win if you don't put the numbers up on the board.
TR (TV AUDIO): So many teams forget that.
FN (TV): At the end of the day, it's the team with the most points that wins.
TR (TV AUDIO): That's the bottom line all right.
GK: We ate dinner and my sister burst into tears (SS DEEP SOBBING) and I sat there with my brother-in-law and his cousin --
TR: Quite the feed.
FN: Boy, am I stuffed. (FART) Well, that feels better.
TR: How'd you do that?
FN: Just lean to the side and bend forward.
TR: Oh. Mmmmmm. (FART) Wow. Sure helps, doesn't it.
FN: Sure do love that old cornbread stuffing.
GK: I can tell.
GK: I passed out from the gas and when I awoke-- the morning sermonette was on TV...
TR (SOUTHERN EVANGELIST): Thank you for listening to the Unitarian Universalist Evangelism Hour. And for those of you who send a faith offering today, I am going to send you absolutely free this booklet, "How You Can Know For A 100% Certainty That There Is Something Out There" -- (FADING) the address is Box 1962, Cambridge, Mass.
GK: It was four a.m. and Wally's Discount Warehouse store was opening in one hour for the busiest shopping day of the year, Black Friday, and I was supposed to work security. I was out of there like a shot (RUNNING FEET, CAR DOOR OPEN, CLOSE, REAR TIRES SQUEAL AND CAR ACCEL AWAY) (BRIDGE)
GK: Ordinarily I wouldn't take a job like discount store security but this one happened to pay money, and I happened to have the month free, so -- I got to Wally's five minutes before opening to find a mob (CROWD TURMOIL) outside the doors, pushing and shoving, and employees trying to keep them at bay (DOGS SNARLING, WHIPS) -- I went around to the back door and (FOOTSTEPS) headed for the ready room to get my marching orders. --Noir, reporting for duty, sir.--
FN: Just in time. You saw the mob out there, you can see what we're up against. --You've got a chunk of turkey stuck to your left cheek, by the way--
GK: Where? Up here?
FN: No. Down there. You must have sat on a plate or something.
GK: Oh. Sorry.
FN: Mr. Noir, we're looking for shoplifters today and so we're going to have you go undercover -- with another detective.
Sue Scott: He's talking about me.
GK: You're a detective?
SS: Surprised you, didn't I?
FN: I want you two to go undercover as a married couple.
SS: Here. Put this on your finger.
GK: What is this?
SS: Wedding ring.
GK: Oh boy.
SS: We're undercover, okay? -- we've been married for 16 years and we're looking for window treatments and kitchenware. Let's go. (BRIDGE)
GK: She led me by the hand and we went and got a shopping cart the size of a Ford pickup and I threw a couple sacks of water softener pellets on (TWO BIG WHUMPS) and we went shopping for spatulas. (ELECTRONIC "DRUMMER BOY") There were Christmas carols playing over and over, and people with empty eyes and acres of plasma screen TVs --
SS: C'mon, quit gawking and let's go shopping.
SS: Try to keep up.
GK: I'm doing my best.
SS: You like this spatula? Or should I get the plastic one?
GK: You decide.
SS: Which one-- the aluminum one or the plastic?
GK: I don't care. Plastic.
SS: You don't like the aluminum?
GK: Take whatever one you want.
SS: Aluminum looks nice...
GK: Then get that.
SS: But the blue plastic is more contemporary.
SS: Or do you prefer green?
GK: Sure, that's fine. Hey, there's a guy going out the emergency exit with a frozen turkey under his arm. Is he supposed to --
SS: Don't interrupt me. I think the red one is more stylish.
GK: Good point.
SS: What is wrong with you? You're all jumpy-- looking around like you lost something.
GK: Why do you need to make such a production out of this?
SS: It wouldn't take so much time if you just quit complaining.
GK: Look. There are people taking quilts and stuffing them under their coats. Turn around and look.
SS: Don't change the subject.
GK: And there's a guy sticking a flyrod down his pantsleg.
GK: The store is being robbed blind.
SS: Oh, blame me, why don't you. Sure. Put it all on me.
GK: We're supposed to be watching for shoplifters.
SS: Well, if you weren't such a pill, maybe I could. (WALKIE-TALKIE SQUAWK) Yeah, Jim. (SQUAWK) Okay. We're on our way. -- Got a shoplifter over in draperies.
GK: People stealing drapes?
SS: Let's go-- (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: How about this time we pretend to be in love and we're shopping for our first home?
SS: I don't think it'd be believable. I mean, look at you.
GK: Yeah, you're right. You're not my type at all.
SS: Women your type --you don't see 'em around much during daylight hours.
GK: Boy, whatever they're paying me on this job, it isn't enough. (FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN)
SS: Here we are in draperies. Keep your eyes open.
GK: I'm doing my best. Okay?
SS: It's always about you, isn't it. Just get over it. Wouldja?
GK: Don't poke me with your finger--
SS: I'll poke you all I like--
GK: You do and I'm out of here--
SS: Ah, get a grip. So-- you prefer solid or stripes, Harold?
SS: It's your undercover name. -- Solid or stripes?
GK: Why do you even ask me?
SS: I'm asking you. Solids or stripes?
GK: Whatever I say it's gonna be wrong.
SS: I'm asking your opinion, okay? What do you like? Solid? Or stripes?
SS: That's exactly what I thought you'd say.
GK: You see?
SS: You think we're operating a popcorn stand? Huh? Are we running a carnival?
GK: Solid, then.
SS: Which? Beige or green?
SS: Forest green or pale green?
GK: Forest green.
SS: You don't think that's depressing?
TR (CROOK): Excuse me-- I'm trying to get through here with this air compressor.
TR (CROOK): Which way is the emergency exit?
SS: That way.
TR (CROOK): Thanks.
GK: Why are you this way? Do you even know how dislikable you are.
SS: What would you know?
GK: I'm trying to help you. I'm reaching out.
SS: Who are you, Dr. Phil?
GK: I'm not even going to listen to you.
GK: Abuse me to your heart's content. I don't care. I'm not listening.
FN (CROOK): Excuse me. Could you hold this big pillowcase full of iPods?
GK: No problem.
FN (CROOK): I'm looking for the laptops.
SS: Computers are that way--
FN (CROOK): Be right back.
GK: So where were we?
SS: Who cares? I don't see any guys shopping for drapes, though. (WALKIE TALKIE SQUAWK) Yeah--? (SQUAWK) He took a what? (SQUAWK) I don't read you, Al.
GK: What happened to that guy with the air compressor?
SS: Good question. He went-- wait a minute--shouldn't he have gone through the check-out line?
GK: Yes, of course.
SS: I would've noticed that if you hadn't been in my face with all of your personal comments!
SS: You must be in cahoots with the crooks.
GK: You know, you have a way of blaming everybody else.....
SS: So how big a percentage did they offer you to get in my way?
GK: Look at that. One hour we've worked. It feels like eight.
SS: Wait a minute.
GK: I don't think I can take a whole day of this.
SS: The guy with the pillow case full of iPods. What was he doing with iPods in a pillow case?
GK: It's a little late to be asking that now. Why didn't you ask him at the time?
SS: Why didn't I ask him?
SS: Don't you have a mouth? Huh? What's this?
GK: Don't touch me.
SS: I'll touch you anytime I want. We're married, remember?
GK: Cut it out.
SS: Nice work, Dick Tracy.
GK: You know, I never had a problem working with other people before, and now--
SS: Blame it on me.
GK: I am blaming it on you. Because it's your fault.
SS: Grow up.
GK: You're one of those people who just brings out the worst in others. (ALARM) And there's the burglar alarm. How are we going to explain this?
SS: They'll take one look at you and they'll understand. (FADING)
GK: That's it. I quit.
SS: It's about time.
GK: I'm not even listening to you, so don't bother. (CONTINUE UNDER THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions... Guy Noir, Private Eye. (OUT)