(GUY NOIR THEME)
Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions-- Guy Noir, Private Eye.
(THEME UP AND OUT)
Garrison Keillor: It was November in Minnesota, a cold day, and I was keeping myself warm by playing part of the President's post-election press conference over and over--
TR (BUSH): I thought we were gonna win. Show's what I know...I thought we were gonna win. Show's what I know...I thought we were gonna win. Show's what I know...I thought we were gonna win. Show's what I know...
GK: I just kept pressing the back button on the VCR.
TR (BUSH): We took a thumpin...we took a thumpin...we took a thumpin...
GK: Finally my landlady came up to complain...
Sue Scott (DEEP): I'm getting kind of tired of hearing that over and over--
GK: Sorry. Just gives me a thrill somehow.
SS (DEEP): Why don't you try reading a book or something--
GK: My hands get tired holding it up--
SS (DEEP): Buy an audio book.
GK: An odd what?
SS (DEEP): Never mind.
GK: So when I got a call to go to Hawaii I said yes immediately.
SS (ON PHONE): Mr. Noir, my name is Diane Larson.
GK: Yes, ma'am. How can I help?
SS: You promise you won't laugh?
GK: Ma'am, I never laugh in November.
SS: It's about my husband, Mr. Noir. We were married October 31st and we went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and he never came back.
GK: You left him there?
SS: I got on the plane to come back to Minnesota and we were in the air before I realized he wasn't with me.
GK: I take it your husband is a quiet person.
SS: He is.
GK: Did you have an argument on your honeymoon?
SS: No. I don't think so. He seemed very happy.
GK: Did he say he was happy?
SS: He never said anything.
GK: He didn't say anything? The whole time?
SS: We were only there a week. Please-- can you hop on a plane to Hawaii and find him?
GK: Can I hop on a plane to Hawaii? -- Can I dance with a beautiful woman? Can I go to the opera? Can I eat a peach? Can I wear my trousers rolled? You bet I can. (BRIDGE)
She was pretty upset, as you can imagine. It's hard to find another husband with deer hunting season just opening. So I agreed to go to Hawaii to look for David Larson. No need for a description. I knew he'd be sunburned, quiet, and eating at Red Lobster (JET LANDING) I landed in Honolulu and made my way toward baggage--
SS: Excuse me-- you fill out the form on the plane?
GK: What form? I was asleep--
SS: The form from the Hawaii Dept of Agriculture--
GK: I'm not in agriculture.
SS: Have you been on a farm lately?
GK: Lady, I stay away from farms. Farms are hard work.
SS: Are you carrying any produce or plants?
GK: No, but I was expecting somebody to hang a plant around my neck. Where's the lei? Where's the souvenir macadamia nuts?
SS: Well --we ordered a shipload of macadamia nuts and we got a shipload of water chestnuts. And a big planeload of leis came in and it turned out to be roses instead of puakinikini.
GK: So-- roses are nice--
SS: With the thorns.
SS: They hung em around their necks and they were hard to get off.
GK: I thought you grew flowers and macadamia nuts on Hawaii-- how come you're importing them?
SS: Development. The fields have been taken over by thousands of condos. Ten-story condos with swimming pools and underground garages. So, we're bringing in the nuts from California.
GK: Well, they've got plenty of them, that's for sure.. (BRIDGE) I headed for the Best Budget Econoahu Inn, where the Larsons had stayed their last night in Hawaii so far as anyone knew. They had a fountain in front (BUBBLING) where a couple was snorkeling and looking at goldfish. In the lobby the TV was playing a hula instruction tape.
SS (TV AUDIO): Extend your right arm with your palm down as you rotate your hips to the left. And bring your hand to the center of your body.
GK: I walked past the restaurant-- (FOOTSTEPS)
TR (WAITER, IN PASSING): ...our soup today is cream of mango and the catch of the day is mahalo in a tuna glaze...
GK: And I was almost to the main desk when I was stopped by a guy in shorts and sandals and a shirt that looked like an exploding watermelon.
Fred Newman (MURRAY): Hey-- Luau Larry, here--anything you want, I got it and I'm gonna cut my price right now -- for you, 30% off...how about it? Hawaiian handbags, authentic jewelry, these nice watches -- lookit this one-- it's got a hula-hula girl on it, she waves when you move your wrist.
GK: Sorry. I gotta run.
FN (MURRAY): If I don't have what you want, just ask: how about some healing magnets? Made from titanium. Put em on your back, your ankles, wherever you got aches and pains.
GK: The only pain I have is you, mister.
FN (MURRAY): Anything you want, at a price that's right-- I'm going to knock another 20% off -- how about plastic bath towels. Or these massage slippers. Try em, you'll like em. Got some authentic rice crackers with cheese and fermented bean topping. Ever had that? No? Now's your chance. Let me toss in some of this cantaloupe ice cream. And some cherry blossoms. (FADING) You need some inflatable signs? I got them too.
GK: I walked down a long hallway (HULA GUITAR) and guitar music was coming out of the ceiling -- it just got to me -- I snapped - (STRUGGLE, METAL STRESS AND CRUNCH, HULA GUITAR SLOWS AND STOPS)-sometimes you wish the Portuguese had brought other instruments when they came here - like cellos or bassoons.
TR (HIP): Hey, where you rolling, brah.
GK: Looking for somebody -- from Minnesota--you ever hear of that?
TR: Is that on the big island?
GK: It's on the big continent.
TR: Oh. You get the big tides there?
GK: No tides. What's your name?
TR: Breeze. My boarding name.
GK: Surfer, huh?
TR: That's me. What do you do?
GK: I track down lost people who don't want to be found. Right now I'm looking for a guy - a newlywed, Midwesterner, flowered shirt, arms and neck peeling, came here on his honeymoon.
TR: (ACCENT CREEPING IN) Wouldn't know nuthin'about that..
GK: Wife is worried sick about him.
TR: Don't know what yer talkin'about there. (WHISTLES)
GK: How long you been here?
TR: Oh me? Cripes I been here a while you know.
GK: Because I am starting to detect an accent. Where you from?
TR: Oh me? Uh, north of here. Up north dat way a little bit.
GK: That's not a surfboard, you know. That's the side panel of a 1957 Chevy.
GK: You're from Minnesota.
TR: Oh no. Not me.
GK: Shame about those Vikings, isn't it.
TR: Boy you can say that again. Ain't got no offense. We got defense now, but no offense. The last six years we've got offense and no defense. Now, defense and no offense. I don't get it. What's the deal there anyway? Kowabunga! (BRIDGE)
GK: And that's when I knew I had my man -- Listen, Dave. Ultraviolet rays have made your brain overload on seratonin.
TR: Oh. Okay.
GK: We've got to get you back. You've got a mortgage, car payments, you've got a Sunday school class to teach. You're the only one at Main Motors who understands the new computer program. And your wife misses you. So we're going to put you in a dark room for awhile and feed you cheese.
GK: Melted cheese. On noodles. Eventually you'll be yourself again.
TR: Yeah, but...
GK: No yeah buts, okay?
TR: Yeah but...
GK: Leave the yeah buts to me.
GK: You like macaroni and cheese? Good, isn't it. You care for more? Good. (BIG GLOPS) Care for ground pepper on that? No, of course not. How about some parsley? Naw. Good enough as it is, isn't it. Could be worse. That's for darned sure. Could be worse.
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.