GK: Yesterday was Friday the 13th and we all made it through, knock on wood (KNOCKS), and it snowed on Wednesday which brought joy to the hearts of millions of people in Arizona and Florida and southern California. Old Minnesotans. It gave them the chance to say their line----
TK: Yeah, I just couldn't take the winters.
GK: Why would people leave Minnesota? Many of them left because they had stolen money from the church and somebody found out. Others because they'd been fired for oversleeping. Many people move south to get away from people who've known them all their lives and who know their little secrets like how much they like cough syrup. So they moved south and that was the reason they gave.
TK: Just couldn't take the winters. The winters are brutal.
GK: Winter is beautiful (VIOLIN UNDERSCORE). You go for a walk on a bright winter day (FOOTSTEPS IN SNOW). It's magical. The crystallized world. Brilliant white. Beautiful browns and grays.
GK: Winters are brutal, especially if you have a bad conscience. (BLIZZARD) You get four feet of snow one day and you're stranded and you run out of dog food and (SNARLS) your dog turns on you and you dash to the car (RUNNING IN SNOW, PANTING, TERRIFIED) and you jump in (DOOR CLOSE) and try to start the car (START ATTEMPT, FROZEN) and it won't go (TK: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon) and you try again (START ATTEMPT) and it won't go and the car is surrounded by dogs (HOWLING, BAYING, SNARLING), neighborhood dogs whose primal instincts were awakened by the cold, and you try once more (START, SUCCESSFUL) and it starts (TK: Oh boy oh boy oh boy) and you back out of the driveway (WHEELS SPINNING) and it won't go (TK: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon) (SPINNING) and your rear wheels dig a hole in the ice and the car settles in (WHEELS SPINNING) and outside dogs are baying for your flesh (DOGS) and you cry out to the Lord---- (TK: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?)
TR (GOD, REVERB): I think you know why.
GK: That's what makes winter hard, is remembering what you did that made it necessary, and that's why people go south. It's guilt that drives them. So when people say:
TK: I just couldn't deal with the winters.
GK: What they mean is----
TK: I was lazy and I didn't bother to shovel my walk and an old lady came walking along and slipped on the ice and fell and the revolver that was in her pocket went off accidentally and she shot the neighbor's dog through the heart, old Shep, the dog who belonged to the old blind man, and he was so despondent he put razor blades in apples and the police went tearing around to find all the kids he'd given apples to and it was icy and a police car skidded and it collided with a school bus and the kids were all eating popsicles and the crash made the popsicles go up their nostrils and they froze a little part of the brain that is right between your eyes, and as a result those children cannot spell. They will go through life unable to spell words like "their" and "your" and they'll be forced to take jobs as underwear models or TV anchors, all because I didn't shovel my walk. And that's why I moved to Tampa.