(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES, OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS)
TR (VAMPIRE): Good evening, son. Your mother said I should come up and talk to you.
TK (TEEN): I was just about to go out, Dad.
TR (VAMPIRE): That's what I want to talk to you about, Troy. Where are you going?
TK (TEEN): Going to a dance.
TR (VAMPIRE): Oh? Who with?
TK (TEEN): A girl named Mary.
TR (VAMPIRE): Mary? That beautiful young girl in the filmy white dress who I see standing on the balcony sometimes in the moonlight?
TK (TEEN): How did you know? What's wrong, dad? Why are you so pale?
TR (VAMPIRE): Son---- you know how we eat mostly very very rare meat, late at night, with the shades drawn?
TK (TEEN): Yeah, so?
TR (VAMPIRE): Have you ever noticed that we never season that meat with garlic?
TK (TEEN): Oh yeah. Why?
TR (VAMPIRE): How do you feel about this--- Mary?
TK (TEEN): I really like her a lot. She's beautiful. She smells good. I want to hold her in my arms and----
TR (VAMPIRE): These are normal feelings, son. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's as natural as eating. In fact it is eating.
TK (TEEN): What?
SS (VAMPIRE): How's everything going, Vlad? Are you and Troy having a nice talk?
TR (VAMPIRE): We're doing just fine, my dear.
SS (VAMPIRE): But did you tell him yet?
TK (TEEN): Tell me what?
SS (VAMPIRE): You're a vampire, Troy.
TK (TEEN): A vampire!!!!
SS (VAMPIRE): We meant to tell you a long time ago.
TK (TEEN): I can't believe this! I want to kill myself!
SS (VAMPIRE): Well you can't, because you're already undead. So deal with it.
TK (TEEN): So that's why mom keeps keeps making me these stupid capes.
SS (VAMPIRE): I worked hard on those capes!!!
TK (TEEN): Well what about uncle Bob? Is he-a vampire too?
GK: Did somebody say my name? Hi. How's everybody doing?
SS (VAMPIRE): Bob! What a surprise.
GK: I just dropped by with the steaks ----
TR (VAMPIRE): STAKES!!! NO! NO! AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SS (VAMPIRE): Not those stakes, dear. The kind you eat. Very rare.
TR (VAMPIRE): Oh. Of course. Sorry.
GK: I just stopped in at the Catholic gift shop and got myself this really nice crucifix. What do you think?
TR & SS (VAMPIRES HOWLING)
GK: You like it, huh? How about I get you one of your own?
TR & SS (VAMPIRES HOWLING LOUDER)
GK: You know, you guys are so pale---- you ought to take a look at yourselves in a mirror.
TR & SS (VAMIRES): Oh, no no no, that's ok, really. We're okay. We're fine.
GK: Well. Suit yourselves! See you later. (FOOTSTEPS RETREAT DOWN STAIRS)
SS (VAMPIRE): I don't want you to go out with Mary tonight.
TK (TEEN): Why not?
TR (VAMPIRE): You're apt to lose control of yourself, son, and do something you might regret.
TK (TEEN): I don't know why I had to grow up in such a weird family. We lie in coffins all day, and now I can't even take a girl out on a date. Golleee.
TR (VAMPIRE): On the other hand you get to live forever. (LAUGHTER)
TK (TEEN): I hate you! I hate you! (POOF OF CAPE AND BAT WINGS FLYING AROUND)
SS (VAMPIRE): Every time he doesn't want to talk to us, he turns into a bat.
TR (VAMPIRE): He'll be all right.
SS (VAMPIRE): I hope so. ----You hungry?
TR (VAMPIRE): I am. Yes.
SS (VAMPIRE): Me too.
TR (VAMPIRE): Let's go for a walk. We'll get a bite along the way.
(WOLF HOWL, SPOOKY THEME OUT)