Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but on the twelfth floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UP)
Garrison Keillor: It was one of those early fall days when the effect of breathing the air is similar to that of a fine red wine and it makes a person imagine that beautiful women are staring at him-- are staring at him-- staring at him. (DREAM CHORDS)
Sue Scott: Mr. Noir, I'm Bella Bellagio, the fashion editor of Vogue magazine, and I want you for a six-page spread.
GK: But I've never modeled clothing before--
SS: Who said you'd be wearing clothing, Mr. Noir-- this is an ad for Marvin's Mystery -- it's a subsidiary of Victoria's Secret--
GK: Miss Bellagio, I'm sorry. No photographs. It's a rule. The fight for truth and justice is of necessity anonymous-- of necessity anonymous-- anonymous. (DREAM CHORDS) (PHONE RINGING)
GK: Huh. What-- where was I? Who--? (PICK UP PHONE) Yeah. Noir here.
TR (Rico): Noir. I'm calling to offer you a wonderful opportunity to earn yourself a whole potful of cash and all you gotta do is talk to your buddy Sgt. McGuire and tell him to look the other way when we double-park sixteen big trailer loads of cheese that're coming into town on Tuesday night.
GK: Sixteen trailer loads of cheese in town on Tuesday, huh?
TR (Rico): Yeah. It's Chinese cheese.
GK: Illegal Chinese cheese.
TR (Rico): It's good cheese. It's just taking a little short cut. (BRIDGE)
GK: He dropped off some cheese for me to taste. "White Crane Returns to Mountain" Monterey Jack. "Thousand Joys of Cheddar" --
TR (Rico): "The Pale Hand of My Mistress On Blue Velvet Velveeta"--
GK: You're undercutting the price of Minnesota cheese, mister. Putting a lot of good people out of business.
TR (Rico): So what? Tough.
GK: (PHONE RING) Excuse me. (PICK UP) Yeah, Guy Noir, here.
TR (INDIAN, ON PHONE): Mister Noir, this is your service technician for your new cellphone-- how is everything working?
GK: My cellphone? It's fine. Why?
TR (INDIAN, ON PHONE): We just want to make certain that everything is very very correct and no problems or anything that is unseemly or unpleasing to you.
GK: It's fine. Thank you.
TR (INDIAN, ON PHONE): Very good. That is very very good indeed. Excuse me-- I must go now, there is an elephant outside my window who is-- (OFF) go away! Go away! (ELEPHANT CRY) You do not belong here! (BRIDGE)
GK: The cheese was being loaded into a warehouse down by the river. I drove down there and parked a block away and (NIGHT SOUNDS, TRAFFIC PASSING IN DISTANCE, DISTANT TRAIN WHISTLE) I sat there and watched the entrance, waiting for somebody to come in. Nothing happened for awhile and then (HUMMING) I saw a bright light in the sky and a large disc-shaped thing came down (WHIRRING AND SPACE SFX) and landed and put out a sort of ladder with suction cups on it (SFX) and a tiny man with a transparent bulbous head came down it and walked over to my car. (TR HIGH PITCHED GIBBERISH)
GK: Speak English.
TR (SPACE ALIEN): I am from Pluto. Pluto is a planet. We Plutonians are really ticked off. We are a planet.
GK: I'm not responsible for that.
TR (SPACE ALIEN): We are changing the name of your planet to (FART)-- you are a big stinky planet, you are leaving a trail of junk in the solar system -- you are a mess -- take us to see your leader.
GK: He's got the weekend off. (FOOTSTEPS, FOLDING UP OF LANDING GEAR, SERIES OF SFX FOR ALIEN SPACESHIP PREPARATION) (BLAST OFF)
(DREAM CHORDS) (SLAPPING) Huh-- what???
Erica Rhodes: Mr. Noir? Mr. Noir-- (DREAM CHORDS)
GK: Huh? What? Who-- Oh-- what happened?
ER: You were drooling, Mr. Noir. Here's a Kleenex.
GK: Oh, thanks. How did I wind up here in my office? I was parked down by the river.
ER: I don't know. I'm Emily Kreplach. I'm here for my appointment.
ER: I'm opening a new bookstore. Here in the Acme Building. A bookstore called Bookity Books.
GK: Uh huh.
ER: And I've got a little problem.
GK: If you're opening a bookstore, Miss Kreplach, you've got a big problem. You see that store down the street? Barnes & Stables? Fifty-thousand square feet of books. Look across the street. Buddy's Bargain Book Basement. Fiction, 29 cents a pound. You want to compete with them? Are you nuts?
ER: But I love books. I love to read.
GK: That's a lousy reason to open a bookstore. It's like opening a hotel because you like to sleep.
(BIG FISTED KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS)
GK: Do you mind, Leon?
TR: Just take a minute. (VACUUM CLEANER)
GK: I'm with a client, Leon.
TR: Gotta clean the office.
GK: Excuse me, Miss Kreplach. -- Leon-- do it some other time.
TR: Lift up your feet, Mr. Noir.
GK: Leon, turn off the vacuum. (VACUUM OFF)
TR: Almost done, Mr. Noir. (WET MOP BEING SQUEEZED AND SWABBING THE FLOOR)
GK: Leon-- mop the floor after business hours, please. Please don't squeegee the windows now. Please. (SQUEAK OF SQUEEGEE) -- Leon, if I weren't six months behind in the rent, I would complain to management.
TR: Have a nice day. (DOOR CLOSE)
GK: So-- you were saying--
ER: I'm opening this bookstore--
GK: Bookity Book--
ER: And I found a distributor who is really really cheap. The Cicadas Gather in The Banyan Tree Book Distributors.
GK: I smell something cheesy. (BRIDGE) She gave me the name of her landlord. A man named Warren Buffett. I went to see him at the Excelsior Building.
TR: The name is Buffet, Mr. Noir. Warren Buffet. I own a chain of six thousand cafeterias around the country. The All-U-Can-Eat Buffet is our specialty. It's a long stainless steel trough, and you just kneel down and stuff in as much as you can -- prime rib, mashed potatoes, squash, rolls, pork, chicken, just eat, eat, eat, and we weigh you on the way out.
GK: And what about Chinese food, Mr. Buffet? You sell some of that--?
TR: How did you know? We've just signed a deal with the Blue Herons Sing To the Silver Moon Wholesale Chow Company-- we're switching over on Monday-- (DOOR OPEN) (FOOTSTEPS)
GK: Who's this? (CHINESE)
TR: It's my sales rep, Wong Li.
GK: What's he doing? (CHINESE MARTIAL CRY) That toilet plunger-- it's a sword. (JUJITSU CRIES) Okay, pal. You're forcing me to -- (JUJITSU) -- resort to an old trick -- look-- a great blue heron in the window!!! Behind you!!! (CHINESE EXPRESSION OF SURPRISE. SWOOSH, KONK, CHINESE CRY, AND UNCONSCIOUSNESS)
GK: Well, Miss Kreplach. I think I'm glad you changed your mind about the book business-- you would've gone broke in no time.
ER: How can I ever thank you, Mr. Noir?
GK: Don't thank me, just be a little more careful from now on, okay. Take up computer programming. Go into motel management. Health care.
ER: I'm going into theater, Mr. Noir.
ER: Indeed. I'm an actress.
GK: You are? I had no idea.
ER: You couldn't tell???
ER: I don't know what you're saying. Are you saying you didn't know I'm an actress? Is that what you're saying? Of course you knew. Didn't you? Oh my gosh. You didn't. I'm an actress and you couldn't even see it. The past three years of my life -- wasted. Thrown to the wind. I can't act. At least not so anybody can tell.
GK: I sort of knew.
ER: You did know. Of course you did. You couldn't process it for awhile, it was too threatening to you -- a strong woman--an actress -- you had to look away. I pity you. No. I don't. I despise you. (SLAP) I'm an actress, Mr. Noir. Get it? (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAM) (PAUSE. DOOR OPEN) Actress. Me. Deal with it. (DOOR SLAM, THEME)
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions. Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME OUT)