Garrison Keillor: Labor Day weekend is back-to-school time, and what with cutbacks in school funding, many kids are catching the school bus at 6 a.m. and starting class at 7 ---- kids who've been up late text-messaging dragging themselves bleary-eyed into class to face math at 7 a.m. knowing that once you fall behind in math, that's it, no high-tech job for you, you are a child left behind, condemned to being an English major and then a job in the hospitality industry. Or worse, be like me, forced to endure the degradation of a life in entertainment.
The answer, of course, is coffee for the kiddoes. (THEME) Sure, coffee is bad for children, but so are a lot of other things, and if they're going to have a vice, it might as well be a vice that helps them get into medical school.
Smells so lovely when you pour it you would love to drink a qua'rt of coffee
It revs up your body
So you graduate cum laude
Black coffee
Fill it up to your eye balls
You'll be bouncing off the walls
As you study math, my dearies,
With its diagrams and theories.
If you really want to pass
And join the middle class, you need coffee.