Garrison Keillor: I love to come down to Texas because I was a cowboy as a kid (HORSES, WHOOPING, COWS), especially in June when school was out, we'd go off down the road on our bikes except our bikes were horses (WHINNY). But if it was a hot day, we'd go in the woods and fight the Civil War (CANNONS, HORSES) and then after dark we might switch over to the FBI and the Capone gang (TIRES SCREECHING, MACHINE GUN) or we might go sit in my Dad's car and we'd be piloting a B-27 over Germany (PLANE DRONE) and the anti-aircraft shells bursting around us (ANTI-AIRCRAFT) and we'd dive and head straight in toward the gun batteries and drop our bombs (BOMB RELEASES) and pull out of the dive (PLANE CLIMBING) and our tail gunner would fight off the Messerschmidts (MACHINE GUN) and we'd be in the thick of the battle and ----
(CAR DOOR OPEN)
Fred Newman: What are you kids doing in here?
GK: Just sitting here. Talking.
FN: Well, make sure you don't spill anything on the seats, okay?
GK: Okay. (DOOR CLOSE) We were spilling blood on the seats ---- (PLANE CLIMBING, MACHINE GUN) ---- but we got the job done and came back safely, and now--..
I work in an office, like a lot of people. There's a copier there. (COPIER) And the computer (SFX), and a coffee Maker (SFX) ---- nothing exciting ---- but sometimes if nobody is around---- I turn out the lights and I go to a website called battle.dot.sub and (SONAR) suddenly I'm at a sonar screen and I'm steering my nuclear sub through shark-infested waters ---- whales out there (WHALES) and dolphins---- (SFX) ----- periscope up (SFX) ---- and I can see the Bismarck sailing straight toward me ----- (THRUM OF ENGINES) ----- prepare forward torpedo ---- (REPEAT ORDER, ON INTERCOM) ---- battle stations (KLAXON) ----- aim bow torpedo---- (REPEAT ORDER) ----- prepare to fire (REPEAT ORDER) ---- she's closing to 1500 yards----
FN: What are you doing?
GK: Me, sir?
FN: Are you working?
GK: I am, yes. Just testing this computer, sir.
FN: Testing it with what?
GK: Testing it with a special program, sir.
FN: Okay. Come in my office when you're done.
GK: Yes, sir.
(SONAR) And the Bismarck is closing to 1000 yards---- fire first torpedo (REPEAT ORDER, FIRE. PAUSE DISTANT EXPLOSION) Fire second torpedo (REPEAT ORDER. FIRE. PAUSE. DISTANT EXPLOSION). Success. Sank the Bismarck. The war for democracy has been won. Almost. (FOOTSTEPS) (KNOCKS) (FN INSIDE: Come in.) (DOOR OPEN, FOOTSTEPS, STOP)
FN: Why are you carrying that stapler, Carson?
GK: This isn't a stapler. It's a ray gun, sir. And when I fire it, you will turn into a small cloud of gaseous molecules. Pretty much what you are anyway.
FN: Well, go ahead. Fire it.
GK: Okay. I will. (SERIES OF CLICKS) It didn't work. I don't know why.
FN: That's because you're not a trained sound-effects person, Carson. In your hands, a stapler is just a stapler. And in my hands. (LASER BEAMS, BIG EXPLOSION) A message from SEX. Sound Effects Xplorations. (ROCKETS, EXPLOSIONS)