Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist
Sue Scott: Have some cheese curds, Bob. They just came out of the Fry Daddy, so they're still nice and warm. Here's a paper towel.
Garrison Keillor: I can't eat that, Berniece. Fat gives me gas.
SS: Oh--fat isn't bad for you anymore. No. Definitely not. They discovered that with science last week. Big study. It was in the paper.
GK: I just would rather not.
SS: Well Pops is eating them, and he doesn't seem to have a problem.
TR (POPS, MOUTH FULL): That's ok, all the more for us, right Rex? (PANTING, WOOF). Here boy, finish up these cheese curds (GOBBLE, SNARFING, PANTING).
GK: You keep feeding him cheese curds, Pops, he's gonna barf on the rug again. TR (POPS): Oh you just never mind, Mr. Fancy Pants. Act like you're a big artist, too good for the rest of us.
SS: Now, Pops-- don't pick on Bob.
TR (POPS): Sits there with his nose in the air. Won't let us even use the telephone. Thinks somebody is gonna call up and want to buy his so-called sculpture. Ha! That'll be the day.
SS: Pops, that's enough.
GK: I am waiting for a call from Glenwood, for your information. They had a competition for a sculpture for the city park down by the lake. And I am one of the finalists.
TR (POPS): Ha! The day you win a sculpture competition is the day that pigs fly.
SS: Oh Pops. Don't be so negative. Bob is very sensitive to criticism, especially since he went to that arts luncheon and spilled ranch dressing all over Mrs. Montooth.
GK: Berniece! Do you have to keep bringing that up?
SS: Well, I know how embarrassed you were-- especially when you went to dab it off her and you almost ripped her blouse off.
GK: I did not spill on her. I was bumped. By a rival artist. And I have a pretty good idea who. (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. Don't touch that.
TR (POPS): Oh for pity's sake--
GK: Just let it ring. (RING) I don't want them to think I'm over-anxious--
TR (POPS): Pick it up, for crying out loud.
SS: Bob-- it might be Arvid--(RING)
GK: It's them. It's Glenwood calling. They have good news.
TR (POPS): Fat chance. (RING)
GK: I want everyone in this room to visualize success before I pick up the phone.
TR (POPS): Ha!
GK: Visualize success, Berniece. Please.
SS: Okay. (RING) I'm trying.
GK: Visualize a man at the other end saying, "Bob, this is Glenwood calling, and I have good news." Say it.
SS: Bob, this is Glenwood calling and I have good news.
GK: Pops.-- Please. (RING)
TR (POPS): Bob, this is Glenwood calling and you've got something stuck to your shoes.
GK: Oh never mind. (PICK UP) Hello. Boblett residence. This is Bob. How may I help you? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Oh. Hello, Arvid. Yeah, she's right here. It's for you--
SS: Oh hi, Arvid.-- Sure, we're home. We're always home. -- Oh, I see. -- Well, come right over. (HANGS UP) That was Arvid. He's coming over.
GK: We gathered that.
SS: So tell me more about your sculpture for the park, Bob.
GK: This is it, Berniece. Right up there on the buffet.
SS: It looks like a big balloon with a bunch of fingers sticking out of it.
GK: It's an abstract piece, Berniece.
SS: It looks like an upside down cow's udder.
TR (POPS): It's udderly ridiculous is what it is. Isn't that right, Rex? (LEG THUMPING, PANTING, COLLAR JINGLING) Piece of junk.
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
TK: Hi there. Hi Pops. Hi Berniece. Hi Bob. How's everybody doing?
SS: Just fine. Never better.
TK: That's good.
SS: Sit down and take a load off, Arvid. What you got in the paper bag?
TK: Well, I came by with some smoked pig's ears.
GK: Oh boy.
TK: I know how much Rex loves smoked pig's ears.
TR (POPS): Hey, Rex-- lookit what your good buddy Arvid brought over? Huh? (LEG THUMPING, COLLAR JINGLING, PANTING)
SS: This is Bob's new sculpture here, Arvid -- what's the name of it, Bob?
GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.
SS: I see. Well, that's different, isn't it.
GK: It's a conceptual piece, Berniece. It's meant to represent a paradigm of sound imaging.
SS: What does that mean?
GK: It's just an idea. I don't know. I did it a couple months ago.
SS: I know, but I doubt that people who are out for a nice walk beside the lake on a summer evening are going to want to look at an upside-down cow's udder?
GK: It's not an udder. That's your interpretation of it. It's about sound.
SS: Well, how about a statue of an old fisherman? A fisherman carrying a bucket of minnows?
GK: I don't do figurative realism, Berniece. I got beyond that a long time ago.
TR (OLD): Speaking of realism, Bob, you better get out there and sand the sidewalk before someone slips on the ice and we have a dead body out there. In addition to making your cow's udder or whatever, it'd be nice if you did your share of chores around here.
GK: I'll do it as soon as I hear from Glenwood.
TK: Who's Glen Wood?
SS: It's in Pope County.
TK: How do you know him?
GK: Because that's where it is.
TK: He's there, too?
GK: It's not a he. It's a town.
TK: That's who I was asking about.
GK: Glenwood is a town.
TK: He's Italian?
GK: It's a town. A town called Glenwood.
TK: Okay, okay. I was only asking a question. Don't get huffy about it.
(DOG HACKS, GAGS)
TR (POPS): Uh oh. Looks like Rex is choking on a pig's ear.
GK: Get him outside.
TR (POPS): Poor old fellow. (DOG GAGGING)
GK: Get outside, Rex. (DOOR OPEN) Go. Git. (DOG GAGGING) Beat it. (DOG YELP, DOOR SLAM)
TR (POPS): Don't need to kick him just cause he's sick, Bob. (PHONE RING)
GK: Okay. This is it. I can sense it.
TR (POPS): How'd you like it if I kicked you?
SS: Let's just settle down.
GK: Let's have some positive thought everybody. (RING)
SS: Don't be too upset if they say no.
GK: Positive thoughts, Berniece.
TR (POPS): How about a positive kick in the shins? Huh? (KONK) (GK REACT) Serves you right for kicking my dog.
GK: I can't believe you did that.
SS: Pops, shame on you. (PHONE RINGS)
GK: At a time like this-- to kick somebody.
TR (POPS): You kicked my dog--
TK: Who's calling?
TK: Where's he calling from?
TK: Where is Hoo?
TK: That's what I was asking.
GK: Would everybody please stop talking? (PHONE RINGS) Just shut up. Think positive thoughts.
TR (POPS): Better pick up the phone, dingbat.
GK: Hello, Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I have good news.
TR (POPS): Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I gave you a bruise.
TK: I thought Glen Wood was the one on the phone.
SS: He is. Just say it, Arvid.
TK: Hello, Bob, it's Glen Wood calling and I'm on the phone.
GK: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news.
SS: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news. (PAUSE)
GK: It stopped. It stopped.
SS: Maybe they'll call back.
TR (POPS): Not likely. They've moved on by now.
GK: Why oh why don't we have an answering machine?
SS: Answering machine's just one more thing to worry about, Bob. Got enough clutter without adding more.
GK: That was them. They wanted me and I couldn't be there because I live with crazy people who refuse to get an answering machine.
TR (POPS): I'm going out to see to Rex. Make sure his butt isn't broken.
GK: A simple thing like a phone call. I can't even get a phone call in this house.
TR (POPS): People kicking my dog--
TK: Did I come at a bad time?
SS: No, no---
TK: I could come back later.
GK: My first sculpture commission in years--
SS: Maybe it's for the best. I just don't think that "Unmentionables" is a good title for a work of art.
GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.
SS: Why not a nice boat or something?
TK: You could put a TV in it.
GK: I could.
TK: A big TV.
GK: I could do a multimedia installation, with lasers.
SS: I don't think so.
GK: I could call it, Dimensions of A Boat. Anyone who wanted could add to it through an interactive blog.
SS: Not for the park I don't think so. (PHONE RING)
GK: You answer it, Berniece, it's not for me.
SS: (PICK UP) Hello-- (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, he's here. (VOICE) Just a moment. -- It's for you, Bob. It's Glenwood.
GK: Hello? (VOICE) Yes, this is he. (VOICE) You do? (VOICE) Well, that's wonderful. (VOICE) Oh. I see. (VOICE) Yes. (VOICE) Okay. (VOICE) All right, thank you. (HANG UP)
GK: The good news is that I won.
GK: The bad news is that they got "Dimensions of Resonance" mixed up with a statue of an old fisherman. It's called "Old Ned".
GK: So they think I'm the sculptor of "Old Ned". They're offering me $2000.
SS: And you didn't tell them?
GK: I can do Old Ned. (DOOR OPEN) (POPS ENTERS, WITH REX) I'll do a plaster cast of somebody.
SS: But how?
GK: All I need is an old man who's a little stooped.
TR (POPS): Who you calling stupid?
GK: Nobody, Pops. Arvid, go down to the hardware and get me a hundred pound sack of plaster. Berniece, lay an old sheet in the bathtub.
TR (POPS): What you up to? Huh? What are you grabbing my hand for?
GK: You forgot to take your tranquilizer, Pops.
TR (POPS): Don't need no tranquilizer.
GK: Here it is, Pops. Open wide.
TR (POPS): What are you doin-- (HE CHOKES, STRUGGLING WITH BOB)
SS: Don't hurt him.
GK: Hurt him-- Ha! I'm going to immortalize him.(THEME)
TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST...was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)