Tim Russell (ANNC): Once again, Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of Automotive Products presents...The Story of Bob, A Young Artist

Sue Scott: Have some cheese curds, Bob. They just came out of the Fry Daddy, so they're still nice and warm. Here's a paper towel.

Garrison Keillor: I can't eat that, Berniece. Fat gives me gas.

SS: Oh--fat isn't bad for you anymore. No. Definitely not. They discovered that with science last week. Big study. It was in the paper.

GK: I just would rather not.

SS: Well Pops is eating them, and he doesn't seem to have a problem.

TR (POPS, MOUTH FULL): That's ok, all the more for us, right Rex? (PANTING, WOOF). Here boy, finish up these cheese curds (GOBBLE, SNARFING, PANTING).

GK: You keep feeding him cheese curds, Pops, he's gonna barf on the rug again. TR (POPS): Oh you just never mind, Mr. Fancy Pants. Act like you're a big artist, too good for the rest of us.

SS: Now, Pops-- don't pick on Bob.

TR (POPS): Sits there with his nose in the air. Won't let us even use the telephone. Thinks somebody is gonna call up and want to buy his so-called sculpture. Ha! That'll be the day.

SS: Pops, that's enough.

GK: I am waiting for a call from Glenwood, for your information. They had a competition for a sculpture for the city park down by the lake. And I am one of the finalists.

TR (POPS): Ha! The day you win a sculpture competition is the day that pigs fly.

SS: Oh Pops. Don't be so negative. Bob is very sensitive to criticism, especially since he went to that arts luncheon and spilled ranch dressing all over Mrs. Montooth.

GK: Berniece! Do you have to keep bringing that up?

SS: Well, I know how embarrassed you were-- especially when you went to dab it off her and you almost ripped her blouse off.

GK: I did not spill on her. I was bumped. By a rival artist. And I have a pretty good idea who. (PHONE RINGS) Don't answer that. Don't touch that.

TR (POPS): Oh for pity's sake--

GK: Just let it ring. (RING) I don't want them to think I'm over-anxious--

TR (POPS): Pick it up, for crying out loud.

SS: Bob-- it might be Arvid--(RING)

GK: It's them. It's Glenwood calling. They have good news.

TR (POPS): Fat chance. (RING)

GK: I want everyone in this room to visualize success before I pick up the phone.
TR (POPS): Ha!

GK: Visualize success, Berniece. Please.

SS: Okay. (RING) I'm trying.

GK: Visualize a man at the other end saying, "Bob, this is Glenwood calling, and I have good news." Say it.

SS: Bob, this is Glenwood calling and I have good news.

GK: Pops.-- Please. (RING)

TR (POPS): Bob, this is Glenwood calling and you've got something stuck to your shoes.

GK: Oh never mind. (PICK UP) Hello. Boblett residence. This is Bob. How may I help you? (VOICE AT OTHER END) Oh. Hello, Arvid. Yeah, she's right here. It's for you--
SS: Oh hi, Arvid.-- Sure, we're home. We're always home. -- Oh, I see. -- Well, come right over. (HANGS UP) That was Arvid. He's coming over.

GK: We gathered that.

SS: So tell me more about your sculpture for the park, Bob.

GK: This is it, Berniece. Right up there on the buffet.

SS: It looks like a big balloon with a bunch of fingers sticking out of it.

GK: It's an abstract piece, Berniece.

SS: It looks like an upside down cow's udder.

TR (POPS): It's udderly ridiculous is what it is. Isn't that right, Rex? (LEG THUMPING, PANTING, COLLAR JINGLING) Piece of junk.


TK: Hi there. Hi Pops. Hi Berniece. Hi Bob. How's everybody doing?

SS: Just fine. Never better.

TK: That's good.
SS: Sit down and take a load off, Arvid. What you got in the paper bag?

TK: Well, I came by with some smoked pig's ears.

GK: Oh boy.

TK: I know how much Rex loves smoked pig's ears.

TR (POPS): Hey, Rex-- lookit what your good buddy Arvid brought over? Huh? (LEG THUMPING, COLLAR JINGLING, PANTING)

SS: This is Bob's new sculpture here, Arvid -- what's the name of it, Bob?

GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.

SS: I see. Well, that's different, isn't it.

GK: It's a conceptual piece, Berniece. It's meant to represent a paradigm of sound imaging.

SS: What does that mean?

GK: It's just an idea. I don't know. I did it a couple months ago.

SS: I know, but I doubt that people who are out for a nice walk beside the lake on a summer evening are going to want to look at an upside-down cow's udder?

GK: It's not an udder. That's your interpretation of it. It's about sound.

SS: Well, how about a statue of an old fisherman? A fisherman carrying a bucket of minnows?

GK: I don't do figurative realism, Berniece. I got beyond that a long time ago.

TR (OLD): Speaking of realism, Bob, you better get out there and sand the sidewalk before someone slips on the ice and we have a dead body out there. In addition to making your cow's udder or whatever, it'd be nice if you did your share of chores around here.

GK: I'll do it as soon as I hear from Glenwood.

TK: Who's Glen Wood?

SS: It's in Pope County.

TK: How do you know him?

GK: Because that's where it is.

TK: Where?

GK: Glenwood.

TK: He's there, too?

GK: It's not a he. It's a town.

TK: Where?

GK: Glenwood.

TK: That's who I was asking about.

GK: Glenwood is a town.

TK: He's Italian?

GK: It's a town. A town called Glenwood.

TK: Okay, okay. I was only asking a question. Don't get huffy about it.


TR (POPS): Uh oh. Looks like Rex is choking on a pig's ear.

GK: Get him outside.

TR (POPS): Poor old fellow. (DOG GAGGING)

GK: Get outside, Rex. (DOOR OPEN) Go. Git. (DOG GAGGING) Beat it. (DOG YELP, DOOR SLAM)

TR (POPS): Don't need to kick him just cause he's sick, Bob. (PHONE RING)

GK: Okay. This is it. I can sense it.

TR (POPS): How'd you like it if I kicked you?

SS: Let's just settle down.

GK: Let's have some positive thought everybody. (RING)

SS: Don't be too upset if they say no.

GK: Positive thoughts, Berniece.

TR (POPS): How about a positive kick in the shins? Huh? (KONK) (GK REACT) Serves you right for kicking my dog.

GK: I can't believe you did that.

SS: Pops, shame on you. (PHONE RINGS)

GK: At a time like this-- to kick somebody.

TR (POPS): You kicked my dog--

TK: Who's calling?

SS: Glenwood.

TK: Where's he calling from?

SS: Who?

TK: Where is Hoo?

SS: Glenwood.

TK: That's what I was asking.

GK: Would everybody please stop talking? (PHONE RINGS) Just shut up. Think positive thoughts.

TR (POPS): Better pick up the phone, dingbat.

GK: Hello, Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I have good news.

TR (POPS): Bob, it's Glenwood calling and I gave you a bruise.

TK: I thought Glen Wood was the one on the phone.

SS: He is. Just say it, Arvid.

TK: Hello, Bob, it's Glen Wood calling and I'm on the phone.

GK: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news.

SS: It's Glenwood calling and I have good news. (PAUSE)

GK: It stopped. It stopped.

SS: Maybe they'll call back.

TR (POPS): Not likely. They've moved on by now.

GK: Why oh why don't we have an answering machine?

SS: Answering machine's just one more thing to worry about, Bob. Got enough clutter without adding more.

GK: That was them. They wanted me and I couldn't be there because I live with crazy people who refuse to get an answering machine.

TR (POPS): I'm going out to see to Rex. Make sure his butt isn't broken.

GK: A simple thing like a phone call. I can't even get a phone call in this house.

TR (POPS): People kicking my dog--

TK: Did I come at a bad time?

SS: No, no---

TK: I could come back later.

GK: My first sculpture commission in years--

SS: Maybe it's for the best. I just don't think that "Unmentionables" is a good title for a work of art.

GK: It's called Dimensions of Resonance.

SS: Why not a nice boat or something?

TK: You could put a TV in it.

GK: I could.

TK: A big TV.

GK: I could do a multimedia installation, with lasers.

SS: I don't think so.

GK: I could call it, Dimensions of A Boat. Anyone who wanted could add to it through an interactive blog.

TK: Cool.

SS: Not for the park I don't think so. (PHONE RING)

GK: You answer it, Berniece, it's not for me.

SS: (PICK UP) Hello-- (VOICE AT OTHER END) Yes, he's here. (VOICE) Just a moment. -- It's for you, Bob. It's Glenwood.

GK: Hello? (VOICE) Yes, this is he. (VOICE) You do? (VOICE) Well, that's wonderful. (VOICE) Oh. I see. (VOICE) Yes. (VOICE) Okay. (VOICE) All right, thank you. (HANG UP)

SS: Well?

GK: The good news is that I won.

SS: Wonderful.

TK: Congratulations.

GK: The bad news is that they got "Dimensions of Resonance" mixed up with a statue of an old fisherman. It's called "Old Ned".

SS: Oh?

GK: So they think I'm the sculptor of "Old Ned". They're offering me $2000.

SS: And you didn't tell them?
GK: I can do Old Ned. (DOOR OPEN) (POPS ENTERS, WITH REX) I'll do a plaster cast of somebody.

SS: But how?

GK: All I need is an old man who's a little stooped.

TR (POPS): Who you calling stupid?

GK: Nobody, Pops. Arvid, go down to the hardware and get me a hundred pound sack of plaster. Berniece, lay an old sheet in the bathtub.

TR (POPS): What you up to? Huh? What are you grabbing my hand for?

GK: You forgot to take your tranquilizer, Pops.

TR (POPS): Don't need no tranquilizer.

GK: Here it is, Pops. Open wide.


SS: Don't hurt him.

GK: Hurt him-- Ha! I'm going to immortalize him.(THEME)

TR (ANNC): THE STORY OF BOB, A YOUNG ARTIST...was brought to you by Rainbow Motor Oil and the Rainbow Family of automotive products.(MUSIC UP AND OUT)