Garrison Keillor: We're at the Lakeside Ballroom in Glenwood, looking out at the ice of Lake Minnewaska, (ARCTIC WIND), where it's very cold today (LOONS) as you can tell by the cry of those loons -- our state bird -- this pair of loons came back a little early (LOONS) -- they're looking for open water and not finding any -- the lake is completely frozen over -- and there the mailman is going by on his snowmobile (SNOWMOBILE) --and now here's a large flatbed truck coming out on the ice (TRUCK) which as you can see is hauling steel beams out to that big pink fish house (TRUCK SLOWING) -- that is the Fenwick fish house, a three bedroom -- you may recall reading about the Fenwicks (TRUCK BACKING) -- they are the ones who won the Powerball lottery last year -- you see the big crane and piledriver beside the Fenwick house, that's to pound those steel beams into the lake bottom (CRANE) as pilings so they can have a year-round fish house-- and there they're lifting the beams into place now -- (DISTANT BARKS) there is Mr. Fenwick walking his Irish wolfhounds --notice the dogs' cashmere sweaters... they say those dogs are worth twenty-thousand apiece -- anyway, (PILE DRIVER) there goes the piledriver pounding the beams into the lake bottom for pilings and when they get four beams driven down, they'll set the fish house on them so it'll be permanent out there -- (BARKS) now Mr. Fenwick is putting the dogs into his BMW and (CAR STARTING) I guess he's going to go into town to get something -- and now somebody's coming out of the pink house -- (SOPRANO SINGING) that's his wife Amber -- walking across the ice -- to the sauna -- they say it cost forty thousand dollars, the inside is Italian marble -- the sauna is gas-powered -- you see the big propane tank beside it -- and it gets very hot very fast -- and when she comes out of the sauna in a few minutes and rolls naked in the snow, I don't want any of you people to look. I want you to look the other way. I'm sure that if you were rolling naked in the snow out there, she would show the same consideration to you. -- (LOONS) The loons are walking up toward the sauna, I see. Odd they're not disturbed by the piledriver. -- Wait. (LOON) One of the loons has walked up to the sauna and locked the door with Mrs. Fenwick inside (LOON) --These are water fowl and they get a little screwy if they don't have open water. Oh oh. (CRACKING) There seems to be something going on with the ice. (CRACKING) Maybe it's from the sauna heating up. Or from the pile driver ---(WOOD CRUNCHING) Well, there goes the fish house. It's bobbing in the water. And now I can smell gas coming from out there. Evidently a gas line broke and gas is leaking and this could be (POUNDING, MUFFLED FEMALE SHOUTING) -- Mrs. Fenwick is calling for help from within the sauna and now (BWANG) Mrs. Fenwick has jumped out the emergency escape hatch in the roof (FEMALE CRIES) and she jumps down onto the ice and (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS) she is running this way -- I'm asking you not to look -- I will look and describe it to you, there is no need for all of you to look -- (BOOM, EXPLOSION) and the propane tank goes up and the sauna falls into the water (SIZZLING) and it's heating the water and now there's a lot of open water (LOONS) and the loons are happy -- and here comes Mrs. Fenwick now, running up to the door of the Ballroom-- (DOOR OPEN, BARE FOOTSTEPS) -- come in-- are you all right?
Sue Scott: HEAVY BREATHING
GK: You just catch your breath, ma'am. That was a close escape. And let me find something for you to wear-- what color would you like today?
SS: Anything-- just get me a jacket or something--
GK: We have some sportcoat jackets -- some wool-- there's a herringbone there, and a corduroy -- which would you like?
SS: A blanket. Anything.
GK: Would you like a wool blanket or flannel? And would you prefer a plaid or a solid?
SS: Here-- (RIP)
GK: Okay. You can have my jacket, that's fine.
SS: I'm getting out of this town as fast as I can get. We're moving to Tallahassee.
GK: Tallahassee is infested with alligators.
SS: I doubt it.
GK: Alligators can travel up to 60 miles per hour in short bursts.
SS: What time does the train come?
GK: There isn't passenger train service to Glenwood anymore. I'm sorry.
SS: What time does the bus come, then? (TRAIN WHISTLE, OFF)
GK: Well, I take that back. There's the North Coast Limited right there. (TRAIN ARRIVING, STEAM, SLOWING, BIG LAST BURST OF STEAM) Haven't seen that train in years. Beautiful. Nice green cars. There's the Pullman down at the end, ma'am.
SS: Thank you. And if you see my husband, tell him I left.
GK: It'll be spring soon, ma'am. Memorial Day, all that ice should be gone.
SS: Send me a postcard. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
Tom Keith (DISTANT): Boooooooooooooooooooooard!!!! (STEAM LOCOMOTIVE, FIRING UP, STARTS TO PULL AWAY)
GK: There you have it-- life in Glenwood-- it takes more than money to make a person happy-- (TR OFF: Amber! Amber!) (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOGS BARKING, RUNNING, TR SHOUTING: Amber!) here comes Mr. Fenwick trying to catch that train (WHISTLE) -- and there he goes...he's almost to the parlor car-- the rear platform is right there--he's reaching for the handle-- he's got it-- and he's up! He's on the train! (WHISTLE, STEAM ENGINE FADES) -- A lot going on in Glenwood. You just need to stand by a window and wait. (MUSIC BUTTON)