Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME UNDER)
Garrison Keillor: I was in Norfolk, Virginia, working on a top-secret case for the United States Navy, which I am not at liberty to discuss. My lips are zipped shut and locked and I threw away the key. Wild horses could not drag the secret out of me. A grilled cheese sandwich from Doumar's, on the other hand -- maybe. Abe Doumar was the guy who invented the ice-cream cone back in 1904 and his family has been operating a drive-in in Norfolk ever since. Hot dogs, cheeseburgers, pork barbecue, and a very nice grilled cheese, plain or with bacon or ham.
Sue Scott: We invented the ice cream cone, you know.
GK: I've heard that.
SS: Nineteen-oh-four. St. Louis Exposition.
GK: Great. So what you invented lately?
SS: We invented the Doumar's Nutritional Pyramid.
GK: I think I'm going to like this.
SS: On top is lettuce and tomato. Next is french-fries. Then cheese. Then barbecue.
GK: That's the news we've been waiting for.
SS: So where you from?
SS: You're from Minnesota? You don't look like it.
SS: You're not wearing a coat.
GK: I lost it in the blizzard. Wolves tore it off me. (BRIDGE) Anyway I was there in Norfolk on this secret mission for the U.S. Navy and I was heading for the base and looking for a destroyer (TRAFFIC PASSING), the U.S.S. McFaull when a cab pulled up alongside me. (CAR STOPS)
TR (BUSH): Hey-- excuse me-- I'm looking for something--
GK: Sure. How can I help?
TR (BUSH): I'm looking for some sort of a college or university called the World Domination Nucular University.
GK: Mr. President?
TR (BUSH): How'd you know it was me?
GK: Just the air of leadership about you, I guess. What you looking for?
TR (BUSH): I got it written down right here -- World Domination -- Oh--
GK: It's Old Dominion University.
TR (BUSH): Oh. I thought it was a monarchy of some kind.
GK: That's the basketball team. The Monarchs. And the Lady Monarchs.
TR (BUSH): Very good. Just checking to make sure. What's that I smell on you? You been eating barbecue?
GK: I've been around people who were eating it.
TR (BUSH): Where?
GK: Doumar's --
TR (BUSH): Thanks--Bye. (CAR PULLS AWAY).
GK: Between 19th & 20th! (BRIDGE) I went to the base and I found the USS McFaull (BOAT HORN, FN ON P.A.: Attention -- there is bingo in the officer's mess at 1500 -- ) and I went to see the gunnery officer in his cabin (KNOCKS ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS)
SS: Her cabin.
GK: Sorry. I'm Guy Noir, Lieutenant--
SS: Dressed. Natalie.
GK: She was a tall woman in dress whites with a .45 revolver in her hand.
SS: Come in, Mr. Noir.
GK: No need for a pistol, Lieutenant.
SS: This is a top-secret project, Mr. Noir, and I heard you say two minutes ago that maybe for a grilled cheese sandwich, you'd spill the beans.
GK: I was just talking to myself, Lieutenant.
SS: Well, I heard you--
GK: Listen, I don't have time to fool around here. I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. I left my horse in the woods beside a frozen lake. Where it's snowing. Snowing downy flakes.
SS: It's snowing?
GK: I'm from Minnesota.
SS: Oh. Then I'll put the gun away. You don't look like anybody who moves all that fast. -- But if I think you might talk -- I have a drug, Mr. Noir. It causes memory loss. I just gave some to him. (GERMAN MUMBLING, OFF) That Kraut over there.
GK: The old guy in the robe? With the white beanie?
SS: You know him?
GK: It's the pope. (GERMAN MUMBLING) Where'd you find him?
SS: Walking around in the woods.
GK: He has suffered memory loss. -- Say, your Holiness? (TR ITALIAN) What are you doing here?
TR: (ITALIAN, INCL "DOMINICAN")
GK: You're looking for some old Dominicans? (TR EXCITED ITALIAN) Holy Father-- that's a university. Old Dominion. And it's not Catholic. This is Virginia. My guess is that its probably at least half Baptist. (TR ITALIAN DISAPPOINTMENT) -- Does he know about the secret project?
SS: I'm afraid so.
GK: He can keep a secret. He's the Pope. (TR ITALIAN) Right. You understand English, right?
TR (POPE): Ja ja.
GK: Good. It's like this, Your Holiness. The Navy has discovered from its studies of bars in seaports around the world that terrorism and karaoke stem from similar causes. And that if you can get terrorists to stand up at a microphone and sing-- play him that tape of Colonel Khaddafi-- (GUITAR, TR SINGING "PEOPLE" IN ARABIC, ON TAPE) That was when Khaddafi came in from the cold. Renounced terror.
TR (POPE): (GERMAN)
SS: What did he say?
GK: I don't know but whatever it was, it was infallible.
SS: Holy Father, we've found that the most effective way to fight terrorism is to get those people to become songwriters. They hear someone else sing, they think, "Hey, I could do better than that," and they get up and sing and people clap, and they think, "Hey, this isn't that hard," and pretty soon instead of burning buildings, they burn CDs and send out press kits.
TR (POPE): (GERMAN) Did you hear the one about the guy who goes to his doctor because he has a little bump on his forehead?
GK: I already heard that joke, Holy Father. I'd rather not hear it again. (BRIDGE) The lieutenant told me that the drug that causes memory loss was in the form of a pill that looks and tastes like a breath mint, and the Pope's breath did smell minty. Especially when he sang.
TR: (SINGING "PEOPLE" IN ITALIAN) (BRIDGE) I was curious about Old Dominion University and I headed over there just in time to see the President pull up in his taxi and get out. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
TR (BUSH): Hey. It's you again.
GK: Good to see you, Mr. President.
TR (BUSH): Right. -- You're not one of my judicial appointees, are you?
GK: No, sir.
TR (BUSH): Care for a breath mint?
GK: No, thanks.
TR (BUSH): You wouldn't like to have a judgeship, would you? I've got some openings.
GK: I might. Sounds rather appealing, actually.
TR (BUSH): How about the Appeals Court?
TR (BUSH): You ain't been canoodling around with anybody, have you?
GK: I was hoping to, but no--
TR (BUSH): Cause I got enough troubles. Boy this Social Security business --My ratings are sinking like a rock in a toilet. I told what's his name it was a lousy idea. You know who I'm talking about-- the little guy with the bad hair--
GK: Karl Rove.
TR (BUSH): Right.
GK: Let's talk about it later, Mr. President-- here's some people looking for you. (FOOTSTEPS, SECRET SERVICE VOICES "STEP ASIDE" "KEEP BACK" ETC.) (BRIDGE) The Secret Service gathered around and there was a big crowd of course and a 21-gun salute (CANNONS) and a bagpiper (BAGPIPES, HAIL TO THE CHIEF) and a bevy of queens...(FN & SS SERIES OF FEMALE GREETINGS)...and the Governor of Virginia (TR JOWLY MAN, HARRUMPHING) who had the State Seal (SEAL) -- the audience had been carefully screened, limited to people who supported the President and also shared his exact shoe size -- and they clapped (AUDIENCE ROAR) as he walked (FOOTSTEPS) to the podium--
TR (BUSH): (SLIGHT REVERB) Chancellor Musselman, Parents, Faculty, Members of the Class of 2005. My Friends. Today is a big day. A big day for you and for your parents and for many people whom you may know or you might be related to or with whom you share deep common interests. Today, you have reached a plateau. Today, you walk across this stage and down those stairs and into the deep, cold valley of reality. There, you will cross a bridge into the future and under the bridge lives an ugly troll who will demand to see your resume. When you pass the troll, you will find yourself on a path paved with bricks of sorrow and it will lead you to a cliff and you will fall over the cliff and when you wake up, you will be old and tired and misunderstood -- AND your monthly Social Security check will be about enough to pay for busfare. And you will wonder, why didn't someone tell me? Well, dumbo, somebody did. That person was me. Your President. You're gonna come to my presidential library when you're old and you're gonna ask, "Why didn't we listen to that fella?" You're gonna be needing other people then. But you know something? (HE SINGS) People who need people...are the luckiest people in the world. (BRIDGE)
GK: I felt in my pocket and there was a breath mint and without thinking, I ate it, and (DREAM CHORDS) suddenly it wasn't Norfolk anymore -- it was St. Paul, Minnesota. (BLIZZARD) There was a sleetstorm and people in parkas were walking past me and a dog was barking. (DOG BARKS) Actually it was a wolf. (HOWL) It was May and we had snow on the ground and -- yes?
SS: What can I bring you?
GK: Coffee. Black.
SS: Anything to eat?
GK: You got barbecue pork?
SS: Barbecue what?
SS: No. We've got macaroni and cheese.
GK: That's it?
SS: That's it. What you expect?
GK: You couldn't make some barbecue pork?
SS: Nobody eats it.
GK: They do down in Norfolk?
SS: Where's that?
GK: Hampton Roads? The Tidewater?
SS: Never heard of it.
TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions...Guy Noir, Private Eye.