Garrison Keillor: ...brought to you by the St. Paul College of Accents. Why spend years learning a foreign language just well enough to sound stupid to a whole new bunch of people when, in two weeks, you can pick up a foreign accent that will give you an aura of mystery and romance right here in America where it matters? If you've been cursed with a midwestern accent--

Tim Russell (MINN): Boy, I don't know about this weather we've been having -- kind of makes you wonder, don't it -- I suppose it could be worse, but boy, I can't wait until it's warm enough to get outdoors--

GK: You know that a midwestern accent is like wearing a sign on your back that says, "Slow Person Ahead" -- but now you can be somebody else as easily as you'd change your shirt --

TR: (FRENCH) Bon soir, mon cher. I am Robert, I have been looking forward to this evening for months and months -- can I get you a glass of wine?

GK: Suddenly people turn -- women smile -- their eyes light up. A European in the room.

TR: (ITALIAN) Buono notte, mama mia -- I am Roberto -- that navy blue sweater -- it looks fantastic on you -- bella, bella-- let me get you a glass of wine, what do you say? Let's go where we can talk and be alone.....

GK: You become a figure of romance. Or a tower of intelligence.

TR: (GERMAN) There are different ways of looking at the situation -- there is the (GERMAN) and then there is the (GERMAN)-- it's like Wittgenstein once said, (GERMAN)

GK: Why learn a little bit of one language when you can learn four, six, even twelve different accents -- to suit any mood you're in:

TR: (IRISH) Top o'the mornin' to ye, and what a glorious mornin' it is too, Mary, me proud beauty!

GK: A midwestern accent means that every time you open your mouth, people think, "Good person if you need help loading a truck but otherwise not too swift" -- maybe you need a new accent.

TR (MINN): Well, you know, that's a darn good point. I never thought of that before.

GK: Register at the St. Paul College of Accents today and get the second accent absolutely free.

Tom Keith (BRIT): The second accent is free?

TR (BRIT): Extraordinary.

TK (BRIT): Absolutely extraordinary.

TR (BRIT): I say.

GK: The St. Paul College of Accents. Offering everything except Swedish.

TR (SWED): You don't have anything in the Swedish then?

GK: No Swedish, thank you.