Tim Russell: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but on the 12th floor of the Acme Building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions.....Guy Noir, Private Eye. (THEME)
Garrison Keillor: It was February, and here on the frozen tundra, winter was doing its little dance, coming and going, and people were starting to revert to their old ways, giving up on the high-fiber diets and soy substitutes and going back to seal blubber and half-cooked haunch of caribou. I was thinking about heading down to Danny's Deli for a hot sausage sandwich and hash browns, when the phone rang. (PHONE RING, PICKUP) Yeah, Noir here.

TR (ON PHONE): Noir, it's Danny. Danny at the Deli.

GK: Danny. I was just thinking about heading down there--

TR: Well, Listen, I'm not at the deli, I'm over at the Shubert Theater--

GK: The Shubert Theater, home of the Fresh Faces All-Teen Talent Revue?

TR: You got it. Sponsored by Thompson's Tooth Tinsel, that puts a sparkle in your teeth. Right? Got some snazzy prizes and -- I wonder if you could come down here -- Now I got a sneaking suspicion that one of the entrants is actually a midget. (STING)

GK: You sure?

Tom Keith: The kid is awfully mature looking and he drives a Buick and smokes cigarillos and he knows who the Beatles were. I'm kinda thinking maybe we oughta check this out. You know what I mean? You can't be too careful.

GK: Right, right, right.... So I went over to the Schubert Theater and.I hung around backstage and took a look at some of the contestants. There was a boy who played "Michael Row The Boat Ashore" on the guitar (GUITAR) and he looked young enough and there was a girl who played Chopin on the piano (PIANO) and then there was a singer-songwriter with black fingernails and black hair--

Sue Scott (SINGS): I'm going to drive around in my car and smoke cigarettes I'm going to drive around in my car and smoke cigarettes I don't care how cold it gets I'm going to drive around in my car and smoke cigarettes

GK: And there were two brothers, the Huffer Twins from Oshkosh, Wisconsin, dressed up in coveralls and red bandannas and singing a song I guess they'd written themselves -- hard to imagine that anybody else would want to. (GUITAR)

GK & Pat Donohue: Go tell Mr. Johnson
Go tell Mr. Johnson
Go tell Mr. Johnson
Your homework disappeared
TR: Thanks, fellows.

GK & PD: The dog he must've ate it The dog he must've ate it The dog he must've ate it And that's why he got sick

TR: Okay, real good. Thanks.

GK & PD: He threw up in the driveway He threw up in the driveway He threw up in the driveway It looks like algebra. I'm sorry that it happened I'm sorry that it happened I'm sorry that it happened I'll bring it in next week.

TR: Stop. Please. Thank you. (BRIDGE)

GK: Where's the last contestant, Danny?

TR: Right here.

TK: Hi.

GK: What's your name, kid?

TK: Eddy. Eddy Edwards. From southern Minnesota.

GK: Come from a big family, I hear.

TK: I'm the youngest of thirteen children, Emmett, Edith, Edna, Evelyn, Esther, Erwin, Edgar, Effie, Elmer, Ernestine, Eldon, Eloise, and me, Eddie.

GK: Your family in dairy farming?

TK: Right.

GK: Holsteins?

TK: Persians.

GK: Dairy cats?

TK: Right.

GK: Interesting. Let me ask you something, Eddie. How come you have a mustache?

TK: I have an overactive pituitary gland.

GK: What's your talent, Eddie?

TK: I do loon calls. I won the Elks Club Loon-Calling contest.

GK: Let me hear some of that.


GK: Not bad, but I don't think it's gonna win any prizes.

TK: I also play the chainsaw. I can play "Danny Boy" on the chainsaw.

GK: How does that go?


GK: Listen, we've got doubts about your age, kid. I don't think you're sixteen. I think you're closer to thirty-six. Where do you go to school?

TK: I go to high school in New Prahg.

GK: New Prahg?

TK: Right. New Prahg.

GK: It's pronounced New Prague.

TK: Prahg is pronounced Prague?

GK: Prague.

TK: How can Prahg be pronounced Prague?

GK: In Minnesota it is.

TK: Are you sure?

GK: Yes.

TK: It doesn't make sense.

GK: Out here it does.

TK: New Prague.

GK: Right.

TK: Okay, you got me. I'm not from here. I'm from Philadelphia. And my name is Rick Petronella. I'm forty-five.

GK: Shame on you. Trying to take a prize away from kids.

TK: I got books about Minnesota. I studied up on it. I memorized the Lutheran catechism and the 4H Pledge--

GK: All useful information.

TK: And then I forgot to look up the pronunciation of the town.

GK: New Prague. That's right.

TK: Boy, that burns me up. I could've won that contest too.

GK: I doubt that very much.

TK: I know I would've.

GK: You wouldn't have won, Rick. There's a thirteen-year-old girl who plays "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on airhorns She's from Piscacadawadaquoddymoggin, Oregon.


TR: Thanks for your help, Guy. You helped keep the Fresh Faces Teen Talent contest from a terrible scandal -- how about I buy you lunch?

GK: I am kind of hungry.

TR: We've got a whole big platter of toasted tofu sandwiches downstairs-- we've got bran loaf -- how about some roasted lentils ?

GK: I'll take a rain check. Thanks.


SS: A dark night in the city that knows how to keep its secrets, but a light shines on the 12th floor of the Acme Building -- Guy Noir, Private Eye?. (THEME UP AND OUT)