Garrison Keillor: Once again, the Christmas season is upon us with its message of hope and joy, but in the midst of the Christmas lights and music lies a stark danger to you and your family: exposure to the Little Drummer Boy. (DARK CHORD) The danger is well-known but local law enforcement simply doesn't have the manpower to eliminate the problem and ever so often-- (OPENING CHORDS, ON CELESTE) one slips through.

Tim Russell (KIRK): The Little Drummer Boy drove me to kill.

Sue Scott (FLEXNER): Says Richard S. of Skokie.

TR: "Do you hear what I hear?" I was a security man in a mall, I had to stand right under a loudspeaker -- one day, I couldn't take it anymore -- I went out and started shooting sheep. I don't even know how many. I lost count. Help me before I do it again.

GK: You can help. Don't buy CDs that contain The Little Drummer Boy. When you hear it playing in an elevator, get out immediately and walk the rest of the way. And don't give your children drums for Christmas. And if you feel dark urges -- (SLOW MOTION Little Drummer Boy CHORDS UNDER...)

SS: I just can't take it anymore!!! What's wrong??? What's going on in my head??? I'm going mad, I tell you -- mad! Do you hear what I hear???? (CHILL CHORDS)

GK: When dark urges strike, follow these simple rules:

TR (COP): Go outdoors. Move away from the music source. Lie down on your back in the snow and move your arms up and down to make the shape of wings. Get up carefully and brush the snow off. Take a deep breath.

SS: What if I live where there is no snow? (CHILL CHORD)

TR (COP): You should have thought of that back when you decided to go south, shouldn't you--

GK: The Little Drummer Boy can be stopped. Together we can do it. Recognize the onset of trouble. (OPENING CHORDS OF Little Drummer Boy) And move to a safe place.