GK: Shadows lengthen on the high bluff of the upper Mississippi, in a city known to few Americans--join us now as we explore...St. Paul, City of Ambiguity. (MISTERIOSO THEME)


SS: Do you know how to get there?

TR: Yes, I know how to get there. I've studied the map and I know exactly where I'm going. (CAR ACCEL, INTERIOR CAR AMBIENCE)

SS: I hope it's not like the last time we went over to St. Paul.

TR: Okay, okay--

SS: St. Paul is not like Minneapolis, honey.

TR: Look. Don't worry.

SS: Streets in St. Paul--there's no system. None.

TR: Elaine, please.

SS: That's why I gave you that onboard computer for your birthday.


SS: With the global positioning system. So we could go to St. Paul. Why don't you use it?

TR: For a trip over to St. Paul? I don't need a computer!

SS: Please--

TR: I don't need it. I've lived in the Twin Cities all my life. I know St. Paul. (BEEPS) Oh for heaven's sake.

TK (ROBOT): Go north two blocks.

TR: I don't need it. We're only going to St. Paul.

TK (ROBOT): Go north two blocks.

TR: Turn it off.

TK (ROBOT): Do not turn off computer.

SS: Please. Remember the last time--


TK (ROBOT): Turn right in one tenth of one mile on Eleanor Avenue.

SS: St. Paul is so strange. You go by Ford Parkway, then Pinehurst, then Highland, then Eleanor--In Minneapolis, you'd have Eleanor, Ford, Glenhurst, Highland, Iglehart, and so forth--

TK (ROBOT): Ford is not after Eleanor. Scheffer is after Eleanor and then Bayard and Hartford.

SS: I was only trying to make a point.

TK (ROBOT): Don't confuse the computer.

TR: Why is that red light blinking?

TK (ROBOT): You went past your turn. You must turn around and go back.

TR: I don't have to turn around-- I'll just turn right here and go around the block.

TK (ROBOT): Make a U-turn and go back one block to Eleanor.

TK: I'll just turn here--

TK (ROBOT): Do not turn here.

SS: Why not do what the computer says?

TR: I know what I'm doing. (BRAKES, CAR HONKING BEHIND)

TK (ROBOT): I told you not to turn here.

TR: We'll just go to the end of the block and turn right--

SS: Why is it that you can't bear to take directions? Why?

TK (ROBOT) : She's right you know.

TR: I don't know what you're talking about--

TK (ROBOT): You hear but you don't listen.

SS: See what I mean? Even the computer knows.

TR: It doesn't know anything. It's a computer!

TK (ROBOT): An inboard computer.
TR: You know, if everyone would just shut up and let me drive, we'd be there in two minutes.

TK (ROBOT): Forty-two minutes.

SS: You are going the wrong way--you insist on pushing ahead--and you get angry at people who disagree with you. Maybe you ought to be President.

TK (ROBOT): Good point.

TR: Just stay out of this, would you? I know where I'm going.

TK (ROBOT): Okay, genius. I'm shutting myself down.
(BEEP. SEVERAL BEEPS) (VOICE SLOWING, FALLING) Good luck ...on finding...your way. Bye.

TR: See-- I'm turning right and Eleanor is going to be right up here and--

SS: This isn't Eleanor. It's Arundel.

TR: Arundel! I thought Arundel was up around Avon and Grotto. What's going on?

SS: Why is this block so dark? There aren't any streetlights--(OMINOUS TWILIGHT-ZONE MUSIC) I knew we should have stayed in Minneapolis.

TR: Just calm down.

SS: In Minneapolis, you've got Aldrich, Bryant, Colfax, Dupont, Emerson, Fremont, Girard, Humboldt, Irving-- you don't suddenly throw an Osceola in there just for the heck of it.

TR: We seem to be in a forest.

SS: It's so dark. (JUNGLE SOUNDS OUT THERE, BIRDS, APES, ETC) There are things moving out there.

TR: It's okay.

SS: It's not okay. Turn the computer on. Please.

SS: What's wrong?

TR: I don't know. (BEEPS) How do you turn this thing on

TK (ROBOT): I can't help you. I'm asleep.

TR: Please-- help us-- we're lost--

TK (ROBOT): Okay (BEEPS) As long as you put it that way.

SS: Where are we?

TK (ROBOT): You are in a time warp.

TR: What?

TK (ROBOT): It's 1987.

SS: What? What did the computer say?

TR (TEEN): It's the Eighties, Elaine.

SS (TEEN): The Eighties???? We have to go through the Eighties again?

TR (TEEN): If it's the Eighties, we're not married.

SS (TEEN): I knew this was a mistake.

TR (TEEN): You knew what was a mistake?

SS (TEEN): Coming to St. Paul. Now it's twenty years ago and we're going to have to go through all of that all over again.

TR (TEEN): Maybe we don't have to.

SS (TEEN): What do you mean?

TR (TEEN): I don't know.

SS (TEEN): You don't want to marry me?

TR (TEEN): Do I have to?

SS (TEEN): What does that mean?

TR (TEEN): I'm not sure.

SS (TEEN): Maybe we better stay in the car.

TR (TEEN): Why?
SS (TEEN): What if we go in the house and there's a lot of people and something happens and one of us meets someone else and --

TR (TEEN): You want to stay in the car?

SS (TEEN): I don't know. I don't know what I want or who I am. Why did we come?


GK: St. Paul, City of Ambiguity. Shadows fall and the lights dim as we walk the streets of St. Paul. Jefferson, Juliet, Palace, James, Juno, Kenneth, Cleveland, Finn, Vandalia. Cretin.

SS: Cretin?

GK: Cretin. St. Paul, City of Ambiguity.