TR: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets. But on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions . Guy Noir, Private Eye. (MUSIC FADE)
GK: It was spring in Minnesota, not that you'd know it from the weather. It was cold and rainy. (THUNDERSTORM) It rained for about forty days in a row. People got out their boats just in case God changed his mind about the reainbow. So rainy that grass was growing in the streets and suddenly Prozac wasn't doing the job anymore (DEPRESSION), I was feeling low. I sat around watching "Celebrity Solitaire" on TV. The guest was Dr. Phil.
TR (DR. PHIL, ON TV): Let me tell you something- it may be solitaire but it affects other people. Did you ever think about that? I mean, I don't care how flat a pancake is, there's two sides to it. Are you listening to me at all....
GK: I felt like an empty shell. I needed a purpose in life. (BUGLE) Freedom. (WHINNY) Grandeur. (FANFARE) Romance (SAX). So I went to New Hampshire. A state like Minnesota except not so horizontal. With more high points. (TIME CHORDS)
TR (YANKEE): Welcome to Pneumonia Notch, New Hampshire, sir. I see from the color of your shorts that you're not from here --- What color are those? Maroon?
GK: Sangria. I'm from Minnesota.
TR (YANKEE): I've heard of it. Kind of flat, isn't it.
GK: Well, we have all those lakes, and water does tend to stay level. Now New Hampshire ---- that's next to Vermont, right?
TR (YANKEE): I believe so.
GK: You don't know?
TR (YANKEE): I've only been to Vermont twice in my life, Mr. Noir.
GK: How is that?
TR (YANKEE): By automobile. Both times.
GK: I mean, why only twice?
TR (YANKEE): I saw what I needed to see. Didn't have to look at it again.
GK: So Vermont is not like New Hampshire?
TR (YANKEE): Vermont is full of people from New York, Mr. Noir. Unfortunate but true. People from New York looking for a safe place to eat granola. A lot of designer blue jeans and heated towel racks and Jacuzzis and all that. Here, if we got wax in our ears, we don't mind just sticking a pencil in there and getting it out ---- in Vermont, they have to close the door and they use a Q-tip. New Hampshire is just more down to earth. Coffee here doesn't cost four bucks and we don't put syrup and foam in it. You care for coffee, Mr. Noir?
GK: Sure. (BRIDGE) He directed me to a nearby motel called The Hampshire Arms. The clerk was a stunning beauty in a ski sweater that I couldn't take my eyes off ----- I'd never been that interested in knitting before, but she was something else ----- she was a tall woman, so it took longer to look at her and it was worth the effort.
SS: You have a reservation?
GK: I have no reservations whatsoever. Do you?
SS: . May I ask you a personal question, sir?
GK: ---(HEART POUNDING) My blood pressure rose like a great blue heron taking off from the swamp. --- What would you like to ask?
SS: What color are those shorts, Mr. Noir?
GK: They're Sangria.
SS: The last time I saw a man in shorts like those, he was holding a Styrofoam cup with a few quarters in it.
GK: I'm going to buy a pair of corduroy jeans ----
SS: Unfortunately, we have no rooms available.
GK: I'm sad to hear that.
SS: Try the Moose Lodge Motel. Just down the street.
GK: I'll do that. Maybe I'll see you later. (BRIDGE) Her face didn't light up when I said that, but maybe she was playing hard to get. The Moose Lodge Motel looked like it was all set up for the shooting of a Stephen King movie, the sort where innocent tourists stop for the night and wind up being eaten by a paper towel dispenser. So I headed for the next motel, The Miles To Go Before I Sleep Motel. The sign on the counter said, "Went To Write In My Journal ---- Be Back In A Few Hours".
TR (OFF): The clerk is a kid from Bennington.
GK: Oh.
TR (OFF): She'll be back soon.
GK: Right. From the dark glasses and the black suit and the black T-shirt, I gather you're a movie person.
TR: I'm Bob Major. From Major Productions.
GK: Oh sure. You did the adaptation of Jane Austen for TV, that six-hour version of "Pride and Prejudice."
TR: An hour and a half, actually.
GK: Oh really. Interesting. So what brings you to New Hampshire?
TR: We're doing a musical adaptation of "Our Town."
GK: The play-----
TR: Right. We're adding songs to it. (SINGS) (TAP)
Oh won't you----- join the mourners
In Grover's Corners----
All us New England fellas
Gonna grab our umbrellas
Gotta dance! Take it away!
Grovers Corners USA.
(SPEAKS) So what do you think?
GK: I think it needs more work.
TR: Needs more work???!!!!
GK: I think it needs more work.
TR: Who are you to talk? Look at those shorts you got on!
GK: What's wrong with them?
TR: Sangria shorts??? Come on!!!
GK: They're Pinot Noir. (BRIDGE)
GK: We went next door to a bar called The Cellar Hole. It was one of those bars where they turn the air-conditioning up high to keep the patrons dormant. But just as my heart rate was slowing down, a woman walked in in lumberjack boots and a T-shirt that said, "Fat Chance" and a pair of jeans so tight I could read the brand name on the monkey wrench in her backpocket. ----- Ma'am?
SS: You talking to me?
GK: I think so, yes ---- And just then somebody turned on the TV and it was stock-car racing (SFX, STOCK CAR RACE, TR VOICE) and I sat there fascinated by it for three hours and when it was over, she was gone, and a man was shaking my shoulder---- yeah? Yes sir? .
TR (FRENCH CANADIAN): Hey, mister. Antoine's my name. From Quebec. I seen you sitting dere so ah'm gonna do you a big favor, mah fran, and sell you mah fav'rit racin' chicken. Rat cheer. See im. (CHICKEN)
GK: You want to sell me this chicken?
TR (FRENCH CANADIAN): This mah racin' chicken. Name o' Boudin. (CHICKEN) This chicken, he runs! Fast!
GK: How fast does he run?
TR (FRENCH CANADIAN): Hey, he runs fast as he need to run.
GK: And he wins?
TR (FRENCH CANADIAN): He want disappointcha.
GK: How much?
GK: Okay.
TR (FRENCH CANADIAN): Tres bien. You gottim. (CHICKEN) Dere. Look. He lak you. Lissen, I tro this in for free, it's a bottle Tabasco. You give this to the chicken, he run real good. I gotta leaf now, Bon jour, mah fran. (FOOTSTEPS AWAY)
GK: So now I had a chicken. (CHICKEN) And now I had to look for a motel that would accept pets. (BRIDGE) I walked to the edge of town to a resort called The Last Chance. (KNOCKS ON DOOR. DOOR OPENS)
SS (DEEP): Yeah?
GK: I'm lost.
SS (DEEP): Consider yourself found. Come in. (BRIDGE)
GK: She was a mature woman in a sweatshirt who seemed to have taken up cigarette smoking as a hobby.
SS (DEEP): Care for a smoke? I got a whole carton of 'em here.
GK: No thanks. (SHE LIGHTS UP, TAKES A DRAG) I guess they don't have no-smoking laws in New Hampshire, huh?
SS (DEEP): I don't care if they do or don't. I'm a smoker. I smoke. Okay? Shoot me.
GK: You're not from here, are you?
SS (DEEP): I'm from New York. I'm an actress. Broadway. You probably saw me in "Broadway Babies" - I played Estelle - I was Lola in "Whoopsy Daisy" - Sort of in between things right now so I came up here ------ I'm up for a big part in "Raisin The Sun"----
GK: "Raisin In The Sun"?
SS (DEEP): "Raisin The Sun" was what the agent said. ---- From the look of those shorts, I'd say you're from New Jersey. What color are those?
GK: Cabernet Sauvignon.
SS (DEEP): Let me come right to the point. I'm forty-two. I don't beat around the bush. You're attracted to me, aren't you.
GK: I don't think so.
SS (DEEP): You're in love and y
ou even don't dare admit it to yourself. I can see it the way your nostrils are flaring.
GK: I've got large nostrils. What are you doing?
SS (DEEP): Reaching out-----
GK: This is awfully sudden-----
It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
The somebody who
Could make me sniff glue
Read Winnie the Pooh
And even be glad
To wear orange plaid
Or green or ecru------
GK: She was just about to wrap her arms around me when my chicken took off (CHICKEN FLURRY) and that was my cue to make an exit---- I gotta catch my chicken-----
SS (DEEP, OFF): Wait. Come back-----
GK: I chased that chicken all the way to the airport and when I got there, I figured, as long as I was there, I might as well go back to Minnesota. (CHICKEN) Hey. Now before we get on the plane I'm going to put your under my shirt, okay? (CHICKEN) So you be very quiet. Okay? No trouble. You know what I mean by trouble, right? (CHICKEN)
SS: A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but high on the 12th floor of the Acme building, one man is still trying to find the answers to life's persistent questions--Guy Noir, Private Eye.