GK: What a day.
SS: You too?
SS: Did Josh say he was going out?
GK: He's going to a movie. For his film class.
SS: (SIGH) Fifteen years old and he can's spell and they put him in a film class. The kid is going to wind up on the street, living in a Dumpster.
GK: Might be cleaner than his room.
SS: I'm not in the mood for jokes, okay?
GK: And I don't think homeless people are necessarily poor spellers. I saw one today holding up a sign, it said, 'Will Proofread For Food". Every word spelled correctly.
SS: What are we going to do with him?
GK: Teach him to sink or swim, I guess.
SS: What is that supposed to mean? We just let him do what he's going to do?
GK: He's fifteen.
SS: "Sink or swim"--------!!
GK: Well, it was how I was brought up.
SS: The kid already is sinking. He can't spell, his handwriting is the handwriting of a 7-year-old, his math skills are zero-----
GK: Well, you know what they say. Half of all Americans don't understand math, and the other two-thirds don't care.
SS: It's not funny.
GK: Speaking of math, I saw a terrific deal on round trip fares to L.A. A hundred fifty bucks. Less than it costs to fly to Grand Forks. And more fun.
SS: Forget it.
GK: Come on. We need a romantic interlude.
SS: I'm worried about him getting into college. What are you doing?
GK: What do you think I'm doing? I'm unbuttoning your pajamas.
SS: How can you think about that at a time like this?
GK: Well, maybe we should take another crack at parenthood------
SS: What, now?
GK: Well, we're both here.
SS: Oh, grow up.
GK: Maybe it'll be different this time. (COLLAR JINGLE, PANTING) What is the dog doing in here?
SS: He let himself in.
GK: Look at that disapproving look in his eye. I recognize that look. That's how my dad used to look at me. (BED CREAK, FOOTSTEPS) Where are you going?
SS: Putting on my black negligee.
SS: Isn't that what you want?
GK: Well. Sure.
SS: I mean, I thought that's what you were trying to say.
GK: Yes. (DOG BARKS) Shut up. Who asked you?
SS: I'll be right back, handsome. Don't go away.
GK: C'mere, Ruf. C'mere. (DOG WHINE) Out you go. (DOOR OPEN)
TR (TEEN): Hey, what's up, Dad.
GK: Josh. You scared me. What're you doing standing at the door?
TR (TEEN): I was just about to knock. I just wanted to say hi.
GK: Oh. How was the movie?
TR (TEEN): We didn't go. We went over to Melissa's.
GK: Oh. I thought you were supposed to ----
TR (TEEN): I didn't need to see it, I read about it.
GK: Oh. I thought the assignment was to go see it-----
TR (TEEN): Nah, I watched the trailers and read a review. It's cool. Where's Mom?
GK: In the bathroom.
TR (TEEN): Oh. Can I come in?
TR (TEEN): Why? What's wrong?
GK: Nothing. We're just sort of busy, that's all.
TR (TEEN): I thought you were in bed.
GK: We were. We are. We're just talking, hanging out.
TR (TEEN): Well, why can't I come in?
GK: Aren't you supposed to be doing homework?
TR (TEEN): I did it.
GK: It's all done?
TR (TEEN): That's what I said.
GK: Do you mind if I take a look at it?
TR (TEEN): What are you, the homework police?
GK: Why don't you go get it----
TR (TEEN): What is going on here?
GK: I'm trying to be helpful.
TR (TEEN): Well, don't be. Okay?
GK: I'd just feel better if I ever saw you reading a book around here----
TR (TEEN): Why?
GK: I'd feel better. I'd feel that maybe you were going to get into college.
TR (TEEN): I'm not going to college.
GK: Of course you are.
TR (TEEN): I'm going into radio.
GK: You're what? Radio? Honey----
TR (TEEN): You don't have to read books to be in radio.
GK: No, I guess not. You just have to be a robot.
TR (TEEN): What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
GK: Well, that's good, you know about the Spanish Inquisition---- Can you spell it?
SS (OFF): Ready or not, here I come!
GK: Don't come in yet!!!!
SS: Why not??? ---- Oh. Josh.
TR (TEEN): Mom!!!! My god...
GK: Josh, would you mind-----
TR (TEEN): I cannot believe this is happening. See y'all later.
GK: Good. Take the dog with you. (DOG YIPS) (DOOR SLAM)
SS: I thought you were alone.
GK: I'm a parent. Parents are never alone. Wow, you look terrific. Where'd the red boa come from?
SS: New Year's Eve.
GK: What are you putting a robe on for?
SS: I better go talk to him. He's all upset.
GK: Because he saw his mother looking sexy?
SS: I'll be right back. ----- (BAREFOOT STEPS) Want anything from the kitchen?
GK: How about a glass of hemlock?
SS: Be right back. (DOOR OPEN, CLOSE)
GK: I don't know what to do with him. What I did wrong. Something. I thought I was going to be this great dad and then (SIGH)-----
TR (REVERB): Sink or swim. He's got to learn it. Either you work and get ahead or you don't and you fall behind. That lawn isn't going to mow itself. You've got to get out there and do the job.
TR (REVERB): Sink or swim. Don't blame other people for your own mistakes. Learn to take responsibility. -----
GK: I don't remember being like that when I was 15. I mean, you weren't having to tell me what to do. I had a job bagging groceries, I bought a car, bought my own clothes. You were on the road a lot. You and I weren't particularly close. It wasn't like you were having to be there and remind me to do my homework or anything.
SS: Why are you talking to the dog?
GK: Huh? (DOG WOOFS)
SS: You're talking to the dog. Were you aware of that?
GK: I was talking to myself. How's Josh?
SS: I don't know. Some of his friends came over. They're making a pizza.
GK: He says he's going into radio.
SS: Well, I'm not going to worry about it tonight.
SS: So where were we?
GK: What do you mean?
SS: You know.
GK: What, now?
SS: Well, we're both here.
GK: With a bunch of teenagers in the kitchen directly below us?
SS: I love it when you get shy like that. Come on.
GK: What are you doing?
SS: I think you know.
GK: Why don't we get a lock for the door? (DOG PANTING, FOOT THUMPING, COLLAR JINGLING) Let me put the dog out----
GK: I'll be right back. ---- (BEDSPRINGS. BAREFOOT STEPS) C'mon, Ruf. C'mon. (WHINE) C'mon, out you go. (DOOR OPEN)
TR (REVERB): You go right to sleep now. I don't want to hear you fooling around in there.
GK: I won't.
SS (OFF): What'd you say?
GK: I said, I'll be right there. (WHOOPING SMOKE ALARM) Honey, it's the smoke alarm.
SS (OFF): Let them deal with it.
GK: I better take care of it. ----- (WHOOPING SMOKE ALARM, MUSIC BUTTON)
GK: What a day.